True Confessions Tuesday

Please do not read if you are offended by the liberal use of the f word (and all its cognates) or if you don't want to read about my screw ups and probably my terrible spelling b/c I am typing in a rage.

1.  I think I totally fucked up my dissertation.  I've never written one before and I was given no real guidelinews- I was told just to do it.  Well that is what I did.  And I have been writing it like an essay- actually more like how the book I hope to write using this as background would go.  Which apparently thanks to Steph and her finding a book on writing a dissertation, (PHEW) IS WRONG.

I'm supposed to have a research question and a method.  Well you see, after I came back from ther states there wasn't time to get my research approved, so I have just been doing it as an essay, not with the planned way I had with the research and the bunnies and everything.  (Ok no bunnies, but whatever). 

So now I need to figure out if I can salvage the 10K words I have written without having to start over when I have about a week, 2 at the most to finish. 

Of course my advisor is away until Friday.  FML.

2.  The above is all my fault.  I just have had such a hard time getting back in to it..since I came back from the states...and I just want to cry and yell and scream because I am very fucking angry.  I fucking miss her and I hate this and everything.  It is not fucking fair.  And before you ask, I have talked to someone, 2 someones in fact and it didn't help.  I am sorry but there is no in your time of need angel sitting on my fucking shoulder right now.  I think that is a load of bollocks- no disrespect to those of you who believe that, but I don't see it. 

3.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I have no idea what is going to happeb after this dissertation- if I can pull it off and get the degree and get into the PhD program.  Good.  Brilliant. Fantastic.  But if not....well I am not sure I even *passed* one of the classes b/c of the way the things are graded here, I just don't get.....

4.  I suck at asking for help.  I'm almost 36.  I should GET it by now.  I should be independent and have it down.  But I still manage to fuck it up- mainly b/c I don't know how to ask for help. 

5.  I'm terrified of what will happen if I have to go home.  I know I have talked about this before but where am I going to go?  What am I going to do?  Will I be able to find a job?

6.  I have sucked at eating well, drinking water, and haven't gone to the gym in ages.

7.  I haven't even had time to write about how I met David Tennant and how he is soft and smells like heaven, which sums it up really.

8.  Lastly, it would really be great if fucking grandpa would shut the fuck up about certain people.  No one wants to hear you shoot your gob off.  And now you are ruining one of my favourite shows.  NO LOVE.- me.

New diet plan

While I was waiting to see the doctor the other day, I was thumbing through some magazine and there was a feature on the Dukan diet.  When I got home with my weeks worth of antibiotics I did some research on it, did up my profile, and decided that I would try this out.

What it entails:
A 4 phase plan where you start off with protein foods, then merge into the  next stage where you alternate protein days with protein and veggie days, and then into the last 2 phases where you begin to slowly add in "regular" foods and learn to eat in moderation.  (The website and book make this more clear than I am right now I am sure.)

The website gave me an idea of how long I would be on each phase and a target weight as well. (the target weight is higher than my ideal goal- but given my difficulty in even losing a pound, having something that may seem more attainable is good for me right now.)  I'm eating eggs, chicken, fish, yoghurt, low fat dairy, and oat bran.  I haven't felt really deprived, but I have been hungry.

Now, for some of you this may seem like a fad diet or not healthy or dangerous, or not Earth friendly with the addition of protein sources.  I know that this may not be a perfect solution.  I know that I may not even agree 100% philosophically with the increased protein and no veggies/carbs in the attack phase.  However, having PCOS, and knowing I need to be on a lower carb diet b/c of this (as I have been told)  it is a realistic plan that has set things that I can and cannot eat, and that is what I need right now.   I also know it is not forever.  If I get to the end of my attack phase (7 days) and I have not seen results, I will stop. Steph has even agreed to do this with me (and has already lost over 6 lbs!).  Unfortunately, I have not seen the results she has.

Day 1: -3 lbs (YAY)
Day 2 +2 (BOO)
Day 3: +0.4 (BOO)


I could make excuses for this, but I don't really have any.  I've been following the plan. Granted I am still sick and on antibiotics, not to mention that the painters are in right now (just what I needed!), and who knows what either/both of those things have done to my body right now.  I will just have to wait and see.  The site said I should lose 6 lbs in the induction phase.  I hope I do.  I need a boost to my waistline and my self-esteem so that I can keep going and fighting.

What I ask for right now is support, not flaming or criticism for making this choice.  Thank you.

PS:  I also put in for a dietician referral.  Given how long it took for the neuro/pt one, I expect to get it by my birthday.

Fitblog from June 7th

I'm still blog catchup from last week when I was sick.

Q1. What current thought keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

I feel currently like I am a failure.  I'm at my highest weight.  I can't seem to get on a routine.  Even when I am working out and eating well, I am not losing weight.  I have been to doctors and all they tell me is to keep trying, that there is nothing wrong with me.  Maybe there isn't but it doesn't make me any less frustrated when just going up stairs makes me want to collapse.

Q2. What current action/habit keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

"Not having time."  I am post grad student trying to finish my dissertation so I spend a lot of time doing research and writing.  I also can't seem to get out of bed most days before noon.  Both these things are keeping me from being on a "normal" schedule.

Q3. What do you need to change that action? How can we help?

I need to find a way to reset my sleep schedule, get myself up earlier, always  have healthy options in place (or to be on some sort of plan be it Tony Ferguson, SlimFast or low carb as I seem to work better when I am on a restrictive plan- even if it is isn't 100% reasonable long term.  That was how I lost 85 lbs before, and it looks like I am the kind of person who needs to be all or nothing.  I guess I need assistance in figuring what plan would be best for me, and having someone to help me implement and stay on track.  Having comments and people rooting for me also would help.

Q4. What one feat/challenge (big or small) will you try/do/work towards this month?

I will try to drink 100oz of water per day.  That is a goal I can easily achieve.

A weekend of highs and lows (sorry it's long!)

This weekend was really awesome in some ways, and absolutely horrendous in others. I hope I can do justice in documenting it.


Thursday night: 
Steph and I took the overnight bus from Glasgow to London.  Let me warn you, folks.  Not a good idea.  While very cheap, it SUCKS.  We had hoped to spread out (like everyone else) but ended up having to sit together, which while fine, it just meant neither of us had much room.   It also meant I didn't sleep.  At all.  The bus itself was noisy, it was too light (for me), and the seats were uncomfortable.  The only good thing was the wi-fi.  Finally at 4ish I gave up trying to rest and listened to the Red Sox rout the Yankees, which gave me enough adrenaline to function once we arrived in London.


Friday: 
Once we arrived we set up camp in a Starbucks for a while (waiting for the commuter rush to be over) and had coffee and breakfast.  The pancakes were pretty good, IMO.  We hung out there for a while and then got on the Tube and headed to Leicester Square.  We walked around a bit, and then got more coffee at Costa and figured out the rest of the day.

We then got the tube and a train to Crystal Palace, where our hotel was.  Now, google maps really fucked up on this one and had us walk this RIDICULOUS way to the hotel up 2 massive hills where I was actually convinced I was going to have a heart attack and die.  My ankle was killing, I was starving, and I was walking up this hill that was insane.  And did I mention it was raining and I am carrying a heavy backpack?

We finally got to the hotel (early) and sat waiting for the room to be ready.  Finally, it was- all I wanted to do was sleep.  I didn't care that the restaurant that was advertised to be a part of the hotel didn't exist.  I just wanted to sleep.  I did just that. 

2 hours and change later, Steph woke me up.  Now, at this point, I really wish I had just told her to go on without me.  I was that tired.  (and in hindsight I wish I had).  I finally dragged myself into the shower and got ready.  We found an easier way to walk back to the train station and on the way stopped at a restaurant called the Grape and the Grain.  I had a falafel sandwich, and it was really, really good.  I was starving at that point and was planning on stopping at the first place we saw, I just needed to eat as it was a long time since those pancakes. 

We ate and then headed to the train station and took the train back into the city to go back into Leicester square.  It was our plan to wait for David Tennant and Catherine Tate after the evening performance of Much Ado.... (this was the backup plan in case when we see them later in the month that we had a chance for autographs).  When we got there the barriers were up, but no one was out waiting yet, so we figured we had some time to kill.  We wandered around and went to Amorino for gelato (the best gelato in the world IMO)


It was raining, so after the gelato, we found refuge in little shops, trying to stay dry.  It was at this point I began to get very panicked and nervous.  I have issues with social anxiety, which I think was the main contribution to being so panicked, and being exhausted- also a trigger.  When we arrived back at the barrier, Steph was so excited, I knew I couldn't ruin this for her, so I said I would just wait for her away from the theatre....

I paced around for a bit, and then decided so I went to get a coffee across from the theatre.  I ordered from the take away menu, but they had me sit down and they'd bring me my coffee.  They did and asked me to pay.  Now the menu said £1.80 and they now told me it was £2.70.  I explained I had asked for take away as I didn't have the £2.70 ( I had £2.66) and they didn't take cards either.  So the waitress went away to ask about it and came back and told me that they would have to take the coffee away and told me I needed to leave immediately.  (So they would rather lose 4 pence than put the coffee in a take away cup and give it to me?)  Humiliated, I walked away.  What I didn't know, was that this wouldn't be the most humiliating part of my evening yet.

I walked around back to the front of the theatre, but across the street to wait.  A group of quite possibly very drunk people came up to me and shoved me into the grate behind me, and walked away laughing.  Not much later, some random guy walked past me, said "fat bitch," and spit on me.  (Luckily I had a napkin in my pocket.)  I was humiliated and embarrassed, and I felt terrible- like I was back in high school being bulled and barked at on a daily basis.  And then of course (since I am doing my dissertation on bullying) began thinking of others who have had it so much worse and I realized I was getting a bit desensitized to this kind of behaviour, b/c when I tweeted about it so many people were in an outrage - (while I was blaming myself for how I looked, how I am, how I can't seem to get myself under control and lose weight and how painful doing some things is there by perpetuating the entire thing in a vicious cycle.)

Steph came back from getting Catherine Tate and David Tennant's autographs a little after, and I was very happy she was happy and glad she was done, b/c I just wanted to go back to the hotel- which we did after a bit of difficulty in trying to get a cab back to the hotel ( I was too tired and sore to walk the mile in the rain and dark.)

Saturday:
Saturday we had a big day planned.  We needed to check out of the hotel, go to Barking (on the other side of London) to Big Finish day to meet Colin Baker and Sophie Aldred, and then go back to the other side of London to Clapham Common to see INXS.  (When I made the original plans I was just going to the concert alone, and then when I won 2 tickets Steph decided to come with me and then we found out about Big Finish day, hence the back and forth.)

We headed out, got money and breakfast and took the overground, to the DLR, to the train to Barking.  We weren't 100% sure about the directions google maps gave us, so we took a cab to the location (good thing as the maps had it wrong).  We wandered around looking at merchandise and pictures and whatnot waiting for the celebs to come back from lunch. 

Finally we got a chance to talk to Colin Baker.  He was funny and gracious.  I told him we found his tweets funny, and he asked what my username was- I told him what it was and that I was the one who kept asking for the Bayban avatar.  He laughed and said he was trying to find a picture and would change it soon for me.  :)  He signed for us and then we went on our way to meet Sophie Aldred who took a picture with the Plushies for us!

She also signed for us and then we decided we had enough of the con and headed off to make our way to Clapham Commons.  We had time to kill, so we stopped at Starbucks to have a coffee before heading over.

We finally went over to the commons, and found a place to sit and relax.  It was nice out at that point, and there were plenty of people to watch and it was nice to just relax. 

Finally, INXS came on and I was so excited.  I jumped around and danced and sang along.  ( I am going to make a separate blog entry just for the show)

As soon as the show was over, we had to book it to the tube to get to Victoria station in time for the bus.  We made it just in time (had the tube not kept STOPPING for no reason, we would have had plenty of time.)  The bus driver was very rude to me and told me that usually they leave 5 minutes early (if you leave at 10 you should leave at 10) and that we should have gotten there earlier.  I explained that we got lost trying to find the bus area as it isn't attached to Victoria.  He didn't care and told us we couldn't bring dinner on as it was hot food.  (what is the friggin' difference between a hot and cold sandwich).  I didn't care, I shoved it in my bag and ate it anyway.  I was starving!

We couldn't even sit together on the bus b/c people were all spread out and wouldn't share or move so we could sit together.  It was extremely rude and I was really pissed off.  And the guy I ended up sitting next to kept spreading over into my seat- at one point I was sitting on the handle and had no where to move- I was going to sit on the floor in the aisle at that point!  I didn't sleep at all again, and I was SO glad when we got back to Glasgow. 

We got home at about 7ish, I changed and passed out until about 4 in the afternoon, got up and ate dinner, and went back to bed.  I am still tired now, but not as much. 

And how was  your weekend?

How do you do it?

Every day I read a lot of blogs (mostly when I should be working on my dissertation) and one thing I've noticed overall is how almost all the writers are up early working out or up early working (even if they aren't working in the workplace.)

As a grad student I make my own hours, and I find it difficult to get up before noon.  Getting up today at around 10:30ish was killer and required a nap later on. Even when on vacation in London when we had to get up for free breakfast (which is a real motivator in my books) we managed it twice. And that was only making sure we were up by 9:20, a feat which should be relatively easy.

Even when I was working full time and had to get up at 6ish, it was difficult and it took a lot of coffee to get me going.  Don't even get me started on trying to workout before.  The few times I attempted it left me red faced, sweaty and icky, and that was before dealing with the kids at school!

So, how do you do it?  Is sleeping late the cause of my weight gain and inability to lose weight?  Is it the wacky hours I keep?  Is it eating dinner at 9pm or later?  Or is it my laziness? Is it caused by being so far away from home and knowing that if I go out, when I come back I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs which makes my ankle hurt and my lungs want to collapse?  Is it a side effect of all those years of meds which never worked to try to fix my headache which still hasn't gone away, or from wrecking my body with Optifast in 2006?

Am I just making excuses?
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I think I know I am frustrated.  I expected in the 2 weeks I worked out a lot to have lost at least a pound.  Right?  I was eating better, working out, I had more energy.  So of course I gained 3 pounds.

Being sick for the past 2 weeks hasn't really helped and I've managed a handful of workouts and the 5K b/c I haven't had the energy or been able to breathe from the coughing to workout.  (I've been to the doctor- they said it lasts 2-3 weeks, and there is nothing they can do, I just need rest and fluids, which I've been doing.)

I hope after my quickie trip to London this weekend I will be feeling more myself and back to working out and whatnot.  Because I certainly do not want to feel this way anymore.


How do you overcome setbacks?  


Are you a morning person?

Catch up Friday

I've been feeling so miserable the past few days I haven't done much of anything.  I feel a tiny bit better today and finally feel hungry, so hopefully whatever this is is finally leaving my system.  It also may explain why the practice 5K I did on Sunday was so miserable and I had no energy.  It did help me to lose 3 pounds!  


1.  I did manage to go to Pilates on Tuesday which kicked my ass.  That is the only formal workout I've had this week and may be the only one until Sunday.  It sucks, but when I'm sick and feeling achy and miserable the last thing I want to do is exercise.  


2.  #Fitblog chat.  Since I am in Glasgow, this means the chats are at 3am for me.  I sometimes am awake, but this week, being under the weather, I was asleep.  Here are my responses.

Q1) 75% give up on New Year's Resolutions within weeks. Let's discuss our goals for the second half of the year and how we plan to stick to them.


-keep going to the gym as much as I can while writing my dissertation 
-don't give into temptation for take out b/c it is easier and means I don't have to do the dishes
-eat more whole grains
I plan to do this, by just DOING it, and not saying I am going to do it.


Q2) What are your goals for the rest of the year?
-lose a minimum of 20 lbs
-go to the gym/workout a minimum of 3 times/ week
-finish dissertation without losing my mind


Q3) How do you set goals?
I set goals by looking at my current habits and finding ways that I can change them positively.


Q4) What resources do you use to help you stick to your goals
Other blogs, health and fitness magazines, tracking my weight and activity and looking for trends.


3.  Goals for this weekend?
-feel better, do as best as I can do on the 5K, and read for my dissertation


What are your weekend plans?

Sunday's workout

Today was supposed to be a practice dry run for my upcoming 5K.   It was not very promising.  I had got 5 minutes in my walk to the park and my hip was killing.  I tried stretching and all sorts of movement to get it to feel right, and I could just not get it aligned.

View of University of Glasgow from within Kelvingrove Park

Once I got to the park and began the running portion, it was not good.  I managed 1.5/4 out of the running portions of week 3 day 1 of C25K.  Granted I have not run outside in about a year and all the running I have been doing over the past 2-3 weeks has been on the treadmill, but I know I will be walking most of Sunday's 5K.

It will be so much easier if I can lose weight (quickly) and keep it off to run, and to do anything.

Tomorrow's workout is a pilates class and either walking or biking.  I also need to start to figure out a way to get to the gym once this bus pass runs out.  The bus pass costs more than the gym membership!

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Total mileage today: 5.79 miles

All about me

After participating in last night's #fitblog on twitter (hosted beautifully by Skinny Emmie!) I got a ton of new followers.  Hopefully this will translate to new followers and commenters here!  So I figured I would post an about me.  If you know me, feel free to move along.

I don't know where to begin really.  I was born and raised in MA, USA.  Up until last September, I lived in Boston as a substitute teacher.  (I'm a licensed teacher in MA, in elementary education- but there are few jobs.) I am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland getting my second Masters in education.  I will be spending the summer working on my dissertation on school bullying.

I've applied to the PhD program here and am waiting on finding out if I've been accepted.  If so,  I will be researching bullying and its effects on upper primary grade children.  If I am not accepted, I will be having a nervous breakdown figuring out what I am going to do come September.

I've always been overweight.  In 1999 I started working out and eating better (and a lot less) and lost 85 pounds.  I didn't keep up the healthy lifestyle for a variety of reasons and over the past 10 years have gained all the weight back.

I tried several different diets, and in 2003 I went on Optifast.  I got really ill on this diet and didn't lose much weight at all (~10lbs), despite eating less than 900 calories a day and running 3 days a week.  Since then I have suffered from severe daily headaches that can leave me bedridden and miserable.  I have had countless tests and have seen 5 different neurologists.  The diagnoses range from chronic daily headache syndrome to chronic daily migraines.  Not one of the 5 doctors have had a definitive diagnosis or agreed with one another. It is frustrating, but I try to manage as best as I can.

Earlier last year I had been doing a lot better weight wise and right before I had breast reduction surgery in July.  After moving to Scotland and then losing my mum earlier this year, I've managed to gain a lot of weight despite trying various diet plans and recently going back to the gym.  I am assuming that this has to do with me eating my emotions and not dealing with how I am feeling over moving and losing my mum.  I mostly think I really like food and eating it- I just need to re-learn how to do it in moderation and not lose control.

Right now I am trying to get back into regular workouts as I love how it makes me feel (especially spinning), but I have a hard time staying motivated when I don't see any results.  (I know I shouldn't expect to see a lot of results in 2 weeks, but I had hoped to have found I hadn't *gained* even more weight.)

Questions?  Comments?  Fire away!

Yesterday/today catchup

1. Workout- I had no desire to do anything yesterday but I needed to pick up my prescription at uni, so I had to go out.  I walked to uni and then got the bus to the gym.

I did about 25 mins of upper body and then C25K.  I was VERY sweaty at the end.  I wanted to spin some but both bikes were being used and the class was full so I walked to the bus and then headed home.  Not bad.  :)

I ordered a new Polar HRM that is more up to date and will help me better train.  I can't wait to get my Polar FT7 HRM!


2. Grad school-I did meet with my professor on Thursday and he was totally fine that I hadn't gotten very far.  We discussed some changes and I will be making for the paper and what else needs to be done.  I also ran into some of my classmates and they hadn't done anything really either, so I don't feel bad or behind anymore.  So I have 20,000 words to write for it.  Good times.  I have a TON of research done already.  Just need to read it all.

3. Stephanie finished a big paper yesterday so we went out for dinner.  I had grilled chicken and it came with a grilled veggie tart.  It was delish.  I also had some chips- b/c the chips at the Curler's Rest are so delish.  And as a treat we had ice cream at the only Coldstone in Glasgow.  I had tiramisu.  Yum.   :)

4.  Today it's raining.  It's miserable out and I have no desire to go out in it.  I did walk a quick 2 miles to Boots and back to get my prescription and some coffee.  My ankle is really tender today so staying off it seems like a good idea.  Tomorrow I booked into a Body Pump class and that should be a good workout.

As for the rest of today- Doctor Who at 6:45 and some reading.  A nice, quiet, lazy day.

Rainy Monday

Today was a blech kind of day for many reasons.   The rain didn't help matters at all.  It just added to my general sad mood.

We did get grocery shopping out of the way and got plenty of grains and veggies, jammie dodgers and a fez. When we got back I had lunch and debated doing some work, which means I watched last night's L&O CI. (I'm so glad Goren and Eames are back!)

Finally I realized I needed to get to the gym if I was going to work out (which I really didn't want to, since it meant going out in the rain.)  I got my stuff together and got the bus.  Of course, I couldn't remember what stop I needed to get off at, and got off a mile too far away so I had to walk back the way I came in the rain (at least I had my wellies on).

As a result, nothing felt right.  I used the eSpinner and did 1/2 a downloaded spinning workout.  (I had to stop b/c of the time limits on these machines at key hours.)  I debated using the weights but the room was packed.  I had walked the mile + biked 10 miles on the eSpinner, so I called it a day and hit the hot tub.

Totals: appx 60 mins workout, 500 cals burned.  (I forgot to take a picture of my HRM.)

Tomorrow I am having my ankle looked at (again) and I am hoping that I won't have to stop working out now that I've started again.  Tomorrow's workout will probably be weights and Pilates class.

Right now I am just tired and cranky and I just sorted my journal articles by type for my dissertation.  Now if only I could get them all read, notes taken, and my chapter outline done for Thursday it would be very nice.

another week gone

and another 2lbs up.  :(  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.

The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me.  I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can't be bothered to put on a mask.  I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.

I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.

Living sucks.  I don't know how to do it anymore.  I don 't know how to cope.  I don't know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.

I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum.....  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

Bleurg

Bleurg.  This weight loss and exercise keeps getting derailed.  First, my shoulder (which still isn't back to normal), my ankle (which is starting to get better), and my never ending headaches.

My weight is up again- only a pound, but still.  I have now gained 30 pounds since my surgery in July.  NOT THE RIGHT WAY AROUND.

I'm trying a few things out to see if it helps.  I am starting to taper off on some of my meds to see if they are affecting my weight gain.  We got a stability ball and a mini trampoline that I can use at home.  I downloaded some Tae Bo and I am going to try to get to a spinning class this week.  I am walking more, as much as my ankle will let me- as it heals.

I would really like to be down to 200 by the end of the month- which is not likely to happen but I would like it before I go to London- to look and feel better about myself.

Update

I've been back in Glasgow a week, but I really haven't had much to say.  I left last Saturday afternoon, and my mum passed away a few hours after.  :(  I haven't really been in a "healthy" mindframe, nor have I been extremely off track.  I've been on several walks since I got back, but I haven't made the best choices in snacks either.  I've just been too distracted mentally not to mention jet lagged earlier in the week.

I am hoping this week is better for working out and eating.  Of course I have some sort of cold thing that is making me run down as anything and I feel like crap, so the exercising might have to wait- again.  Unless I wake up tomorrow and feel 100% better of course.

I have yet to weigh myself this week b/c I totally forgot today, but I did weigh last week and was up 2 lbs but considering the lack of healthy food and no $ at home and travel and the stress, that wasn't bad at all.

New new new new new neurologist

Yes, this was neuro #5.  He seemed pleasant enough, but did cut me off a few times when I was explaining some of the medical history and he also declined a copy of the records I had brought with me.

He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).

Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura).  I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines.  He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone.  Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache?  *shrugs*

I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced.  (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35.  Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.


So the plan is...

Continue Venlafaxine in am.  Currently continue ativan.  Add flunarizine as a preventative at night.  For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER.  He also wants me to stop the ativan.  I should be titrated off it, he said.  I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help?  He said there was nothing that could be prescribed.  So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it?  I don't believe that for a second.  I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area.  My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started.  I need help with the anxiety.  It isn't a joke.  He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin.  FUN TIEMS AHEAD.  (or not)

Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .

There is more to healthy than what is on the scale

While I find myself obsessing over the number all the time, I know there are other things I can do to help get me/keep me healthy.  Today I tackled one of them.

I went to the dentist.

Now, I hate the dentist.  I didn't really go much as a kid, and as an adult, once I had insurance I was there all the time making up for 15 years + of lost time.  Then in my early 20's I got braces to fully take care of my very damaged and crooked teeth.

Since then they have been ok, a few cavities here and there.  But when I lost full time employment in MA, I lost dental coverage.  So I hadn't been to the dentist in about 2 years.  I just couldn't afford the $60 + for cleanings, not to mention what fillings would cost out of pocket.

I had a consult and some xrays today and found that in one of my upper teeth there needs to be a major filling replacement.  It's loose and grimy and it is an issue I have had with this tooth before, so it is no surprise.   They are also going to fix my very chipped tooth in front, so finally after 7-8 years without braces, that last bit will be complete.   They are also offering a teeth whitening special, but there is no way I can afford it.  I can hardly afford the treatment I have to have now (169 quid!) but I can tell that the fillings are loose and need to be replaced ASAP before I have more problems.

Tomorrow's health adventure is my neuro consult (finally).  I got on the phone and called them today asking why I hadn't been contacted yet, and they had an opening for tomorrow, so I grabbed it.  Hopefully, whoever I see can fix this 4 year long headache, or at the very least, give me some good drugs.  ;)

Let's hope I can also get in touch with the physio people so I can have my shoulder professionally evaluated as well, so working out is easier, and far less painful.

Weigh in #1

Today was my first weigh in.  I lost 1 pound.  :(  I had hoped it would be more.

I am doing ok with the WW points.  I ate all the weekly points, but not all of the exercise points as I was not sure if I was making 100% entries since some things weren't on the lists and I didn't always have the calorie info.  Funny, after I entered my weight today, the online system told me I had one less point to eat per day now.

I feel like this will take forever, as WW has me ending up between 7-9 stone as a final weight.  *sigh*

Hopefully next week will be better.

I went to the gym twice, and took a long walk, and another long walk today.   We walked down Byres road, through the Arboretum, and then back up along Great Western Road and then through campus and back home.

Some pics from today's walk:

[gallery]

Le sigh

I was feeling good about myself and everything yesterday and had big ideas and dreams of a positive post today.  But now the end of the day has come, and those ideas are gone.

I'm just frustrated.  I'm frustrated b/c even with low carb, counting calories, or Tony Ferguson shakes I'm not losing weight.  In fact, I'm either the same or more every time I weigh.

I'm angry at myself for getting this far behind again.

I'm frustrated b/c it hurts to walk (foot and shoulder) which means working out seems like a far off place.

I hate being jealous of my girlfriend who gets skinnier by the day.

I hate that I had surgery partially to make working out easier, and then never worked out afterwards.

I hate feeling this way.

I know the only way to overcome it is to change with healthy habits and a positive attitude.   If only my heart and desire could make the rest of me do it.

medical update

Tomorrow it will be six months since my breast reduction.  Scary.  They have healed nicely- some scarring, but I was never worried about that.  They are bigger than I hoped, but I hope some of that can be taken care of with exercise.

I went to the physio open house re: my shoulder today.  I am on the wait list for an assessment and a final determination as to whether or not this is frozen shoulder.    I have all the criteria.  So I have to wait on that.

My foot still isn't any better even with inserts and wearing trainers instead of fun boots.  *eyeroll*   I will give it another few days and then contact the GP and be like ok, this has gone on long enough.

Still waiting for neuro consult.  *eyeroll*

Weight so far this week is stable.  Yesterday sucked eating wise b/c I overslept and didn't have time to make anything (not that I had food to make) and had fast-ish food and then by the time I got home from school I was starving and then we fell asleep and ended up getting Chinese takeout.  Mine is noodles and veggies and of course they didn't listen to NO SAUCE AT ALL and did add it so I had to wash it all off as best as I can, take a ton of antihistamines and hoped for the best.

Right now all I want is a nap

Day 5

205, thank goodness, going down

 

Spent the entire day walking around, freezing.  It was so cold and snowed on and off.  Got a few things done, but not everything I had hoped.  Hopefully things will keep going on a positive note.  :)

We got off to a late start so I had a quick bite while out, and a cheese toasty for lunch.  :)

 

Day 4

207 holding ugh

Stomach still a bit off, still feel dehydrated despite all of the water yesterday and today.

I wasn't very hungry most of the day, sort of picked at meals and whatnot.

Went out to get a few things at Tesco; it's an ice rink out there!  It isn't safe to walk out there!  And it snowed again on top of the ice- lovely.  :(