Commence freak out . . . .NOW

I have a lot on my plate right now.  I need to finish my dissertation.  I'm waiting to hear if I got into the PhD program.  Right there, is enough.  What I don't need is the added stress, is that I'm almost out of money.

I knew living on student loans wasn't going to be easy.  But I also didn't expect the added financial strain of having to replace things b/c my flat was broken into.  Hence, the money I would have still had and needed, and everything would have been perfect as punch.

But no.  

So I now need to weed through my belongings and see what I can sell, pawn, and whatnot, so I can pay my rent and utilities for August.  At least I have a good 2+ weeks to figure this out.  

And let's hope I get into that PhD program, b/c I certainly don't have any money for a flight back to the US. :/

I have a secret

Not only do I have a fabulous change to share very soon, but I also have a secret.   I really want to tell, but I'm afraid it may be too good to be true, so I am going to hang on to it just a little bit more.

I met with my advisor today.  He is pleased with my dissertation so far.   *phew*   I need to add a lot to my intro, and my chapters on policy, and add a total new one (that I will now have to research!) but it's all good.  He said I do not need 2 weeks to print and bind, so I have the rest of this month to get it done.  *double phew*  He even said to take the weekend off!  HAHAHAHAHA as if!  I did take the rest of today off to do household chores like cleaning, vaccumming, dishes, laundry, etc, and to take a glorious nap.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I was worried about oversleeping the alarm!


As I was cleaning and putting things away I managed to break my dresser.  

Who manages this?

WTF?

So now I have a pile of clothes on the floor, and no glue or tools to fix it.  *sigh*









I'm going to go read something unrelated to my research and relax.


What do you think my secret is?

I'm Not Sorry

This blog post idea, stolen blatantly from Joanna.  Check out her blog.  She is a friggin' hoot!

I'm not sorry I changed the name of my blog.  Again.  A woman is entitled to change her mind.  :)  It needed a change, and I am glad I did it.  All the previous posts are still there, if you care to peruse.

I'm not sorry I have not drunk the correct number of glasses of water lately.  I need the caffeine to keep me going as I finish this dissertation.

I'm not sorry for bitching incessantly about this dissertation.  I am stressed to the gills and I need to let it out somehow, or I may explode.

I'm not sorry I haven't worked out.  Ok maybe a little bit sorry.  It would probably help with the stress.  But right now when I need to choose between writing and sleep or working out- well you know which one is going by the wayside.  (There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and in a week or 2 I will be back to the sane person I usually am HAHAHAHAHAHA!)

I'm not sorry about that really bad joke I just made.

I'm not sorry I went to London last week and got no work done.  How many times in life am I going to be able to say I saw David Tennant performing Shakespeare?

I'm not sorry I just spent 15 minutes writing this up.  Sometimes I need to get away from bullying, cyber bullying, and bullycide.  How I don't spend the entire time writing sobbing my eyes out is a miracle.

What are you not sorry for?

True Confessions Tuesday

Please do not read if you are offended by the liberal use of the f word (and all its cognates) or if you don't want to read about my screw ups and probably my terrible spelling b/c I am typing in a rage.

1.  I think I totally fucked up my dissertation.  I've never written one before and I was given no real guidelinews- I was told just to do it.  Well that is what I did.  And I have been writing it like an essay- actually more like how the book I hope to write using this as background would go.  Which apparently thanks to Steph and her finding a book on writing a dissertation, (PHEW) IS WRONG.

I'm supposed to have a research question and a method.  Well you see, after I came back from ther states there wasn't time to get my research approved, so I have just been doing it as an essay, not with the planned way I had with the research and the bunnies and everything.  (Ok no bunnies, but whatever). 

So now I need to figure out if I can salvage the 10K words I have written without having to start over when I have about a week, 2 at the most to finish. 

Of course my advisor is away until Friday.  FML.

2.  The above is all my fault.  I just have had such a hard time getting back in to it..since I came back from the states...and I just want to cry and yell and scream because I am very fucking angry.  I fucking miss her and I hate this and everything.  It is not fucking fair.  And before you ask, I have talked to someone, 2 someones in fact and it didn't help.  I am sorry but there is no in your time of need angel sitting on my fucking shoulder right now.  I think that is a load of bollocks- no disrespect to those of you who believe that, but I don't see it. 

3.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I have no idea what is going to happeb after this dissertation- if I can pull it off and get the degree and get into the PhD program.  Good.  Brilliant. Fantastic.  But if not....well I am not sure I even *passed* one of the classes b/c of the way the things are graded here, I just don't get.....

4.  I suck at asking for help.  I'm almost 36.  I should GET it by now.  I should be independent and have it down.  But I still manage to fuck it up- mainly b/c I don't know how to ask for help. 

5.  I'm terrified of what will happen if I have to go home.  I know I have talked about this before but where am I going to go?  What am I going to do?  Will I be able to find a job?

6.  I have sucked at eating well, drinking water, and haven't gone to the gym in ages.

7.  I haven't even had time to write about how I met David Tennant and how he is soft and smells like heaven, which sums it up really.

8.  Lastly, it would really be great if fucking grandpa would shut the fuck up about certain people.  No one wants to hear you shoot your gob off.  And now you are ruining one of my favourite shows.  NO LOVE.- me.

Name change and an update

My blogs have had various incarnations over the years.  I started blogging at neophytegirl.net a long time ago, when I had my own domain.  This was many years ago.  I know I had a backup of it sometime ago, but I can't find it.....at least at the moment.  I've had my LJ and now recently I had toocurvyagain at wordpress and abostongirlinglasgow which I merged into one. 

But I think it is time for a change.  I'm still a Boston girl.  I'm still in Glasgow.  But that isn't who I am and it isn't what defines me.  I was going to have a vote or a suggestion entry about what I should change the name of my blog to.  And then I realized, having someone else name it, won't work.

Hence- Cindy's struggles.  That is my name, and well my life has been a series of struggles. 

So that is that.

The London trip was fun and packed and yes, I met David Tennant and Catherine Tate.  The play was brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant- I want to go back and see it again and again (and if I can get down there to see it again, I will- after my dissertation is done, of course!)  I hope to get to write up about the play ASAP.

As far as the healthiness journey goes, I'm working on eliminating gluten to see if it helps with the headaches.  I hope to get back to the gym this week as well.  If it doesn't happen, I am not going to stress too much over it as I believe I have about 2 weeks to finish my dissertation, and that has to come first.  I will have plenty of time afterwards.

How do you deal with stress, deadlines, and workouts?

The Power of Positive Thinking?

Anyone who knows me, or who reads this blog for that matter (which is probably why I don't get many comments) knows or has read that I am a glass is half empty kinda gal.  I am always negative.  Nothing is every right.  Nothing ever goes right.  I'm a mess, a disaster, and nothing good ever happens to me. 

I certainly feel that way right now.  This year has sucked so far.  I've had health issues.  My mum has died.  I've had academic issues.  My flat has been robbed, and belongings stolen.  I can't lose weight.  I was sick for over  a month.  I went to London and got spat on.  I could go on.

So while I am very aware of how negative I am, I wonder how much of this is the fault of negative thinking?  I mean I am sure I didn't have a cold/infection/whatever for a month + because I was upset about being ill.  I am sure my flat wasn't burgled because I am down on myself all the time, right? 

My question is, is that if I were more positive, would things go right?  Would finishing my dissertation be a breeze?  Will I meet David Tennant next week?  Will I get into the PhD programme or get a fab job offer?  Will I suddenly lose 20 pounds and get rid of this headache I've had for 5 years? 

Because I will be honest.  I am starting to panic.  My dissertation is due on 3 August.  (I had no idea what the due date was b/c I didn't see the attachment I was sent before today and I really thought I had more time.)  I still don't know what the deal will be with the PhD programme.  I was under the impression that all the document were received based on an email I received but I checked the online checker thing and it said it was on hold waiting for documents.  And if I don't get in, how am I going to get home?  Will I have a place to live, a job, anything?  I am really in a panic here.  People always say things will work out, but I don't want to go back home and be homeless and have nothing at all. 

So do I think positively and get on with it or do I keep with my negative (but realistic as I always thought) ways?  And that way I will be pleased when the outcome is positive, but not disappointed if it isn't. 


Ok.  Procrastination over.

Failure to communicate

I know many of you bloggers and readers out there (especially bloggers) have tied your careers in with your blog.  But what happens when something happens that makes you wonder if you are in the right field at all?

I've always been more book smart than social smart.  It's a no brainer.  I did REALLY well in my first Master's program.  I had a 3.75, and my lowest grade was a B+ and that was one class.  All my other classes were A or A-.

Now here in Glasgow, my grades are not remotely close to being where they were back home.  In fact I got a paper back today that pretty much ripped me a new one, told me I didn't understand the author, and so on.  (Which is interesting b/c I used the same argument in my first paper and did really well.)   I also wrote the paper in 2 days, not having realized it was due.  I was not really with it at the time with having just arrived back from the states and all of the heartache that those few weeks brought.

It is making me really question whether or not I am going to do well with my dissertation, and especially if I am even going to get into the PhD program.  And if I do get in, have I set myself up to fail already?  I know I should be using this as an opportunity for growth, but right now, I need to know if this is as good as I am going to get academically, and if I should just go back to what (I think) I'm good at.

In the end I know I will be ok if I am not accepted.  I can still use my dissertation as a jumping off point to write a book or paper on bullying if I choose to.   On the other hand, I was kind of getting excited to have those extra letters after my name.....

Have any of you ever experienced work challenges like this?

Today's eats

I am not sure if I am feeling so lethargic due to still being sick or the low carb diet.  I didn't get nearly enough done, napped, and not much else.

I wasn't as hungry today- but right now I am SO sick of chicken.  Ugh.  I just want a huge salad.  I may not make it through the all protein phase and just go right to protein + veggies and limit carbs.  I need energy for my brain to get my dissertation done, so maybe this wasn't the BEST time to try to cut carbs cold turkey.

Tomorrow I have a neuro appt.  With my 6th neuro. :(

Breakfast:
2 scrambled eggs
oat bran pancake
coffee

lunch
can of tuna
1/2 chicken breast
cucumber stuff that Steph made and I didn't want it to go bad

dinner
2 chicken breasts
1/2 pancake Steph didn't eat earlier

dessert
activia yogurt + some fat free plain yogurt

And with that- bedtime!

Still sick

I'm still sick.  :(   This is getting really old.  I've been sick since the week before the 5K.  Granted gallavanting all over London town last weekend did me no favours.  However, it's been a month.  I should be feeling better.  I'm on antibiotics.  The doctor said after 48 hours I'd be feeling better.  It's been 4 days.  I still feel exhausted, drained, and miserable.  :(

I did manage to make it out of the house today to try and work on my dissertation.  (As you can see I am working hard.)

I really hope I am back to myself soon.  I am tired of feeling this way and having everything be a federal project.  I put away laundry last night and it wiped me out. That, and I have booked in for Pilates on Tuesday and I want to be feeling well enough to go.

I hope you're all having a nice weekend!

Fitblog from June 7th

I'm still blog catchup from last week when I was sick.

Q1. What current thought keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

I feel currently like I am a failure.  I'm at my highest weight.  I can't seem to get on a routine.  Even when I am working out and eating well, I am not losing weight.  I have been to doctors and all they tell me is to keep trying, that there is nothing wrong with me.  Maybe there isn't but it doesn't make me any less frustrated when just going up stairs makes me want to collapse.

Q2. What current action/habit keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

"Not having time."  I am post grad student trying to finish my dissertation so I spend a lot of time doing research and writing.  I also can't seem to get out of bed most days before noon.  Both these things are keeping me from being on a "normal" schedule.

Q3. What do you need to change that action? How can we help?

I need to find a way to reset my sleep schedule, get myself up earlier, always  have healthy options in place (or to be on some sort of plan be it Tony Ferguson, SlimFast or low carb as I seem to work better when I am on a restrictive plan- even if it is isn't 100% reasonable long term.  That was how I lost 85 lbs before, and it looks like I am the kind of person who needs to be all or nothing.  I guess I need assistance in figuring what plan would be best for me, and having someone to help me implement and stay on track.  Having comments and people rooting for me also would help.

Q4. What one feat/challenge (big or small) will you try/do/work towards this month?

I will try to drink 100oz of water per day.  That is a goal I can easily achieve.

Catch up Friday

I've been feeling so miserable the past few days I haven't done much of anything.  I feel a tiny bit better today and finally feel hungry, so hopefully whatever this is is finally leaving my system.  It also may explain why the practice 5K I did on Sunday was so miserable and I had no energy.  It did help me to lose 3 pounds!  


1.  I did manage to go to Pilates on Tuesday which kicked my ass.  That is the only formal workout I've had this week and may be the only one until Sunday.  It sucks, but when I'm sick and feeling achy and miserable the last thing I want to do is exercise.  


2.  #Fitblog chat.  Since I am in Glasgow, this means the chats are at 3am for me.  I sometimes am awake, but this week, being under the weather, I was asleep.  Here are my responses.

Q1) 75% give up on New Year's Resolutions within weeks. Let's discuss our goals for the second half of the year and how we plan to stick to them.


-keep going to the gym as much as I can while writing my dissertation 
-don't give into temptation for take out b/c it is easier and means I don't have to do the dishes
-eat more whole grains
I plan to do this, by just DOING it, and not saying I am going to do it.


Q2) What are your goals for the rest of the year?
-lose a minimum of 20 lbs
-go to the gym/workout a minimum of 3 times/ week
-finish dissertation without losing my mind


Q3) How do you set goals?
I set goals by looking at my current habits and finding ways that I can change them positively.


Q4) What resources do you use to help you stick to your goals
Other blogs, health and fitness magazines, tracking my weight and activity and looking for trends.


3.  Goals for this weekend?
-feel better, do as best as I can do on the 5K, and read for my dissertation


What are your weekend plans?

Yesterday/today catchup

1. Workout- I had no desire to do anything yesterday but I needed to pick up my prescription at uni, so I had to go out.  I walked to uni and then got the bus to the gym.

I did about 25 mins of upper body and then C25K.  I was VERY sweaty at the end.  I wanted to spin some but both bikes were being used and the class was full so I walked to the bus and then headed home.  Not bad.  :)

I ordered a new Polar HRM that is more up to date and will help me better train.  I can't wait to get my Polar FT7 HRM!


2. Grad school-I did meet with my professor on Thursday and he was totally fine that I hadn't gotten very far.  We discussed some changes and I will be making for the paper and what else needs to be done.  I also ran into some of my classmates and they hadn't done anything really either, so I don't feel bad or behind anymore.  So I have 20,000 words to write for it.  Good times.  I have a TON of research done already.  Just need to read it all.

3. Stephanie finished a big paper yesterday so we went out for dinner.  I had grilled chicken and it came with a grilled veggie tart.  It was delish.  I also had some chips- b/c the chips at the Curler's Rest are so delish.  And as a treat we had ice cream at the only Coldstone in Glasgow.  I had tiramisu.  Yum.   :)

4.  Today it's raining.  It's miserable out and I have no desire to go out in it.  I did walk a quick 2 miles to Boots and back to get my prescription and some coffee.  My ankle is really tender today so staying off it seems like a good idea.  Tomorrow I booked into a Body Pump class and that should be a good workout.

As for the rest of today- Doctor Who at 6:45 and some reading.  A nice, quiet, lazy day.

In which another day passes and nothing gets accomplished

I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow regarding my dissertation.  We met when I got back from the US after my mom died.  That was about 2 months ago.  In that time, I had 2 other papers to write, and I took a holiday.  I have done some research on my dissertation.  In fact I spent 2 days at the library looking up books and journal articles.  (Not that I have actually *read* them.)

I honestly have no idea what I am doing.  I found a template online to assist me in writing, but I am not really sure what I am supposed to be writing.  I mean do I just go all in and do this- or is there some sort of formulaic way- like the way a Law and Order episode is drawn out?   I hope my advisor isn't pissed that I have no idea what I am doing- I just felt really foolish asking at this point in the academic year.  (I've never had to write such a paper for my previous degrees so......)

So I am stressed and not feeling 100% and didn't work out again today and this isn't good since I had been doing so well.  I am going to the gym right after my meeting with my advisor in the morning to get it out of the way.

I also need to go to the public library and pick up a book.  I found a book group that meets in a coffee shop I love, and I really need to do something that isn't my dissertation this summer.

Oh!  And the one thing I did actually get done today (besides watching Timelash) was to book my mini trip to London to see INXS in June.  I am taking the overnight bus (cheap) and staying one night in London, and then busing back the night of the show.  It sucks and I will be tired but it is the cheapest option.  (I'd rather have the money for when we go see MAAN later in June!!!!)

Sorry if this is a totally random post- I'm not focusing at the moment.

Oh, and if you are reading this, please take a moment to say "hi" in the comments.  I <3 comments.

Ok I am really going to sign off this post and get work done.  Really.

Rainy Monday

Today was a blech kind of day for many reasons.   The rain didn't help matters at all.  It just added to my general sad mood.

We did get grocery shopping out of the way and got plenty of grains and veggies, jammie dodgers and a fez. When we got back I had lunch and debated doing some work, which means I watched last night's L&O CI. (I'm so glad Goren and Eames are back!)

Finally I realized I needed to get to the gym if I was going to work out (which I really didn't want to, since it meant going out in the rain.)  I got my stuff together and got the bus.  Of course, I couldn't remember what stop I needed to get off at, and got off a mile too far away so I had to walk back the way I came in the rain (at least I had my wellies on).

As a result, nothing felt right.  I used the eSpinner and did 1/2 a downloaded spinning workout.  (I had to stop b/c of the time limits on these machines at key hours.)  I debated using the weights but the room was packed.  I had walked the mile + biked 10 miles on the eSpinner, so I called it a day and hit the hot tub.

Totals: appx 60 mins workout, 500 cals burned.  (I forgot to take a picture of my HRM.)

Tomorrow I am having my ankle looked at (again) and I am hoping that I won't have to stop working out now that I've started again.  Tomorrow's workout will probably be weights and Pilates class.

Right now I am just tired and cranky and I just sorted my journal articles by type for my dissertation.  Now if only I could get them all read, notes taken, and my chapter outline done for Thursday it would be very nice.

Saturday's workout

I had a great workout on Saturday.  I did weights for 20 minutes (upper body), 30 minutes on the elliptical, and then another half hour on the treadmill doing C25K. 

The C25K was the hardest by far.  My ankle/foot was not happy about it, and it being the end of the workout, I was getting tired.  At the end as I cooled down, I had taken off my headphones.  I was feeling grumpy and frustrated over how difficult I found doing C25K.  And playing at the gym was the song that had been my mom's ringback tone.  And suddenly I felt a lot better.  :) 

I hope that I will have improved a lot by the time my first 5K comes about on 5th June.  Stephanie and I are doing the Race for Life.  If you are so inclined you can sponsor us here. 

Today is being spent at the library working on my dissertation and research.  My ankle needs the day off. 

How have you gotten  your workout on this weekend?  Are you running any races soon?

And my fellow Whovians, what did you think of The Doctor's Wife?  I thought it was brilliant and the best episode since the Tennant years!

back to it

Apparently my last post has vanished.  I hope it comes back soon.

I went shopping this morning and spent WAY too much money!  Oops.  I got things that I needed and my niece her 5th birthday present.

After coffee and getting caught in the rain, I came home so I could get work done and ended up searching for travel options for my weekend trip to London next month.

Then, I went to spinning today for the first time since my surgery, which was almost 10 months ago! (In fact this was my first real HARD workout since then.  I have been walking and things, but nothing overly exerting, hence the weight gain.)  I wish I hadn't waited so long because it was wonderful.  It was easier without the extra sports bra, and liberating as well!  I am sure I will be sore tomorrow!  I hope I can walk as it is Farmer's Market day!

So for an hour and nine minutes....
I thought it might be more, and it may be.  I think my HRM needs a new battery.

I'm tired but energetic, and part of me wants to go out to the store, but the other part of me has no desire to put on not my jim jams and go out.  It can wait until tomorrow.  No one needs yogurt that badly.

I should be working on my dissertation right now as well, but it is Friday night.  I do need to get a lot done in the next few days before my appt with my advisor.

Cheerio!