True Confessions Tuesday

Please do not read if you are offended by the liberal use of the f word (and all its cognates) or if you don't want to read about my screw ups and probably my terrible spelling b/c I am typing in a rage.

1.  I think I totally fucked up my dissertation.  I've never written one before and I was given no real guidelinews- I was told just to do it.  Well that is what I did.  And I have been writing it like an essay- actually more like how the book I hope to write using this as background would go.  Which apparently thanks to Steph and her finding a book on writing a dissertation, (PHEW) IS WRONG.

I'm supposed to have a research question and a method.  Well you see, after I came back from ther states there wasn't time to get my research approved, so I have just been doing it as an essay, not with the planned way I had with the research and the bunnies and everything.  (Ok no bunnies, but whatever). 

So now I need to figure out if I can salvage the 10K words I have written without having to start over when I have about a week, 2 at the most to finish. 

Of course my advisor is away until Friday.  FML.

2.  The above is all my fault.  I just have had such a hard time getting back in to it..since I came back from the states...and I just want to cry and yell and scream because I am very fucking angry.  I fucking miss her and I hate this and everything.  It is not fucking fair.  And before you ask, I have talked to someone, 2 someones in fact and it didn't help.  I am sorry but there is no in your time of need angel sitting on my fucking shoulder right now.  I think that is a load of bollocks- no disrespect to those of you who believe that, but I don't see it. 

3.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I have no idea what is going to happeb after this dissertation- if I can pull it off and get the degree and get into the PhD program.  Good.  Brilliant. Fantastic.  But if not....well I am not sure I even *passed* one of the classes b/c of the way the things are graded here, I just don't get.....

4.  I suck at asking for help.  I'm almost 36.  I should GET it by now.  I should be independent and have it down.  But I still manage to fuck it up- mainly b/c I don't know how to ask for help. 

5.  I'm terrified of what will happen if I have to go home.  I know I have talked about this before but where am I going to go?  What am I going to do?  Will I be able to find a job?

6.  I have sucked at eating well, drinking water, and haven't gone to the gym in ages.

7.  I haven't even had time to write about how I met David Tennant and how he is soft and smells like heaven, which sums it up really.

8.  Lastly, it would really be great if fucking grandpa would shut the fuck up about certain people.  No one wants to hear you shoot your gob off.  And now you are ruining one of my favourite shows.  NO LOVE.- me.

Name change and an update

My blogs have had various incarnations over the years.  I started blogging at neophytegirl.net a long time ago, when I had my own domain.  This was many years ago.  I know I had a backup of it sometime ago, but I can't find it.....at least at the moment.  I've had my LJ and now recently I had toocurvyagain at wordpress and abostongirlinglasgow which I merged into one. 

But I think it is time for a change.  I'm still a Boston girl.  I'm still in Glasgow.  But that isn't who I am and it isn't what defines me.  I was going to have a vote or a suggestion entry about what I should change the name of my blog to.  And then I realized, having someone else name it, won't work.

Hence- Cindy's struggles.  That is my name, and well my life has been a series of struggles. 

So that is that.

The London trip was fun and packed and yes, I met David Tennant and Catherine Tate.  The play was brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant- I want to go back and see it again and again (and if I can get down there to see it again, I will- after my dissertation is done, of course!)  I hope to get to write up about the play ASAP.

As far as the healthiness journey goes, I'm working on eliminating gluten to see if it helps with the headaches.  I hope to get back to the gym this week as well.  If it doesn't happen, I am not going to stress too much over it as I believe I have about 2 weeks to finish my dissertation, and that has to come first.  I will have plenty of time afterwards.

How do you deal with stress, deadlines, and workouts?

Thank you

Thank you to everyone who posted comments about my trials and tribulations and everyone who offered support over Facebook and Twitter re: our break in.

We have had the police check for fingerprints (no go) and they did take some DNA swabs from the computer cables.  So far no news.  I honestly am not expecting any.  This way I don't get my hopes up and magically hope my computer arrives back in perfect condition.  So I am buying a new one today (despite the fact I'm low on funds) b/c I cannot live here at the library 24/7 every time I need to use a computer and using my iPhone as much as I love it, is not conducive to doing work.

I'm still sick.  :(  This has been going on a month and I am going back to the GP today and I am begging for something b/c I am so tired of feeling ill.  I didn't sleep well last night, half on the couch, half in bed, alternating from freezing and sweating and being unable to breathe through my nose.  :(  My sinuses feel like they have cement inside them.  :(

I also plan on asking about a dietician referral.

I really hope I feel better soon b/c I miss Pilates and spinning!

Fitblog from June 7th

I'm still blog catchup from last week when I was sick.

Q1. What current thought keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

I feel currently like I am a failure.  I'm at my highest weight.  I can't seem to get on a routine.  Even when I am working out and eating well, I am not losing weight.  I have been to doctors and all they tell me is to keep trying, that there is nothing wrong with me.  Maybe there isn't but it doesn't make me any less frustrated when just going up stairs makes me want to collapse.

Q2. What current action/habit keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

"Not having time."  I am post grad student trying to finish my dissertation so I spend a lot of time doing research and writing.  I also can't seem to get out of bed most days before noon.  Both these things are keeping me from being on a "normal" schedule.

Q3. What do you need to change that action? How can we help?

I need to find a way to reset my sleep schedule, get myself up earlier, always  have healthy options in place (or to be on some sort of plan be it Tony Ferguson, SlimFast or low carb as I seem to work better when I am on a restrictive plan- even if it is isn't 100% reasonable long term.  That was how I lost 85 lbs before, and it looks like I am the kind of person who needs to be all or nothing.  I guess I need assistance in figuring what plan would be best for me, and having someone to help me implement and stay on track.  Having comments and people rooting for me also would help.

Q4. What one feat/challenge (big or small) will you try/do/work towards this month?

I will try to drink 100oz of water per day.  That is a goal I can easily achieve.

How do you do it?

Every day I read a lot of blogs (mostly when I should be working on my dissertation) and one thing I've noticed overall is how almost all the writers are up early working out or up early working (even if they aren't working in the workplace.)

As a grad student I make my own hours, and I find it difficult to get up before noon.  Getting up today at around 10:30ish was killer and required a nap later on. Even when on vacation in London when we had to get up for free breakfast (which is a real motivator in my books) we managed it twice. And that was only making sure we were up by 9:20, a feat which should be relatively easy.

Even when I was working full time and had to get up at 6ish, it was difficult and it took a lot of coffee to get me going.  Don't even get me started on trying to workout before.  The few times I attempted it left me red faced, sweaty and icky, and that was before dealing with the kids at school!

So, how do you do it?  Is sleeping late the cause of my weight gain and inability to lose weight?  Is it the wacky hours I keep?  Is it eating dinner at 9pm or later?  Or is it my laziness? Is it caused by being so far away from home and knowing that if I go out, when I come back I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs which makes my ankle hurt and my lungs want to collapse?  Is it a side effect of all those years of meds which never worked to try to fix my headache which still hasn't gone away, or from wrecking my body with Optifast in 2006?

Am I just making excuses?
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I think I know I am frustrated.  I expected in the 2 weeks I worked out a lot to have lost at least a pound.  Right?  I was eating better, working out, I had more energy.  So of course I gained 3 pounds.

Being sick for the past 2 weeks hasn't really helped and I've managed a handful of workouts and the 5K b/c I haven't had the energy or been able to breathe from the coughing to workout.  (I've been to the doctor- they said it lasts 2-3 weeks, and there is nothing they can do, I just need rest and fluids, which I've been doing.)

I hope after my quickie trip to London this weekend I will be feeling more myself and back to working out and whatnot.  Because I certainly do not want to feel this way anymore.


How do you overcome setbacks?  


Are you a morning person?

Race for Life 5K recap

The morning dawned far too early and chilly for my liking.  I still wasn't feeling (and still am not) better, but I downed cold meds and vitamins with a cup of coffee and rushed around getting ready.  I don't like to be late for things, especially when I am not 100% sure of where I am going, and I didn't double check the time the bus was leaving, so we ended up taking a later one, which ended up being fine.  One thing we learned today, don't get off the bus when everyone else does- they might not have a clue where they are going either!

After a bit of wandering through Buchanan and St. Enoch, and a stop at Costa for Steph, we followed the sea of pink to Glasgow Green.  We dropped off 2 bags of clothing donations, and headed for the start.  Steph planned to run most of it, and I planned to do a mix, depending on whether or not I could breathe (not very well).

We were separated quickly, so I cranked up the tunes and read people's messages of hope on their bibs as they passed me (gasping for air mostly LOL).  This hit a little close to home, as I would see young women and kids with bibs that said "for my mummy."  I hadn't realized (and IDK why) messages of hope and remembrance could be for anyone, not just people who had passed away from breast cancer.  (The large amount of remembrances for dads and grandpa's showed this.) I definitely would have done my bib differently had I known.

I had a hard time keeping my heart rate down due to being ill and the cold meds I am sure.  I ended up walking more than I hoped b/c my heart rate was in the 150-160 range even while walking, and when running would boot up to over 180 very quickly.  I also wish I had reset my Nike+ at the start, as opposed to when I started it up walking TO the race.  There were no mile markers or water stops (??? why ???) so I had no idea of my time or how far I had gone.  My "official" finish was 43 minutes and change give or take, which is pretty good for an out of shape, and way too overweight for her height 35 year old! (ok, it isn't, and I was humbled by many people I would consider not in the best shape passing me, including the elderly and those with canes.  Yes, I kid you not.)

Once I finally saw a mile marker for 4K, I was so relieved and I picked up my pace.  Finally I saw where the finish line was and pretty much sprinted (as much as I can sprint) to it!  I was greeted by volunteers and received a medal, a carry bag with random items, and a bottle of water (thank goodness).

Steph finished in 34 minutes and I am very proud of her- I never did a 34 minute 5K when I was in the best of shape and FAR skinnier.  (is also jealous)

I did try to take some pics along the way..... Some of my pics are dark, and I do apologize.

running past the statues at George Square

Idk LOL

interesting 

architecture

Bridge and the River Clyde

Greenhouse/Cafe on Glasgow Green

Fountain at People's Palace

People's Palace

more info on the fountain

I love this fountain!

View across the way

Look it's the fountain again!

I do wish I had gotten pics of us before or after the race but that didn't happen.  Oops.  I was very glad when it was over and I could sit down for a few and use my inhaler.  We had a bit of a hard time meeting up, but we did find each other in the sea of pink, and headed off to find food.  I was STARVING.  This is probably the first race I've ever done where I was so hungry after.

We made our way away from the Green and back through Merchant City and St. Enoch where we got the subway back to Hillhead and headed to Little Italy for pizza (to make up for all the calories I lost!).  The pizza was great and so was the cappuccino.  We stopped at a few shops on the way back, and then headed home, where I hit the showers.

We must have walked (and run) at least 5.5-6 miles in all today. (I turned off the timers/trackers after leaving the Green)  Not bad!

My legs are a little sore, and I am tired.  I hope for my next 5K I am not sick, and I weigh considerably less.

How was your weekend?  Did you run in any races?

Catch up Friday

I've been feeling so miserable the past few days I haven't done much of anything.  I feel a tiny bit better today and finally feel hungry, so hopefully whatever this is is finally leaving my system.  It also may explain why the practice 5K I did on Sunday was so miserable and I had no energy.  It did help me to lose 3 pounds!  


1.  I did manage to go to Pilates on Tuesday which kicked my ass.  That is the only formal workout I've had this week and may be the only one until Sunday.  It sucks, but when I'm sick and feeling achy and miserable the last thing I want to do is exercise.  


2.  #Fitblog chat.  Since I am in Glasgow, this means the chats are at 3am for me.  I sometimes am awake, but this week, being under the weather, I was asleep.  Here are my responses.

Q1) 75% give up on New Year's Resolutions within weeks. Let's discuss our goals for the second half of the year and how we plan to stick to them.


-keep going to the gym as much as I can while writing my dissertation 
-don't give into temptation for take out b/c it is easier and means I don't have to do the dishes
-eat more whole grains
I plan to do this, by just DOING it, and not saying I am going to do it.


Q2) What are your goals for the rest of the year?
-lose a minimum of 20 lbs
-go to the gym/workout a minimum of 3 times/ week
-finish dissertation without losing my mind


Q3) How do you set goals?
I set goals by looking at my current habits and finding ways that I can change them positively.


Q4) What resources do you use to help you stick to your goals
Other blogs, health and fitness magazines, tracking my weight and activity and looking for trends.


3.  Goals for this weekend?
-feel better, do as best as I can do on the 5K, and read for my dissertation


What are your weekend plans?

Sunday's workout

Today was supposed to be a practice dry run for my upcoming 5K.   It was not very promising.  I had got 5 minutes in my walk to the park and my hip was killing.  I tried stretching and all sorts of movement to get it to feel right, and I could just not get it aligned.

View of University of Glasgow from within Kelvingrove Park

Once I got to the park and began the running portion, it was not good.  I managed 1.5/4 out of the running portions of week 3 day 1 of C25K.  Granted I have not run outside in about a year and all the running I have been doing over the past 2-3 weeks has been on the treadmill, but I know I will be walking most of Sunday's 5K.

It will be so much easier if I can lose weight (quickly) and keep it off to run, and to do anything.

Tomorrow's workout is a pilates class and either walking or biking.  I also need to start to figure out a way to get to the gym once this bus pass runs out.  The bus pass costs more than the gym membership!

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Total mileage today: 5.79 miles

Fitblog questions in detail

I really enjoyed this week's fitblog questions to the point I wanted to expand on them considering it is hard to detail everything you want to say in one tweet.  

Q1. When you were younger, what did “fitness” mean to you? What does it mean now?


Well, when I was a kid I liked gym enough unless it was a picking teams kind of thing b/c I was always picked last even though I was good at kickball and softball.  In fact I had the best softball throw in the 6th grade and was supposed to go to the city wide tourney, but other kids said since I had no friends and was fat, that I should let the second place winner go instead since she would have people to be with and cheer for her.  So I let her go.  


I wasn't allowed to play sports as a kid b/c my parents were afraid I would get injured and we couldn't afford it.  The most I ever did was a few sessions of gymnastics and swimming.  Had I participated in sports, perhaps I wouldn't have been so overweight and had been healthier growing up.   I wasn't even allowed a bike until I was in the 4th grade and I had to have training wheels.  It was EMBARRASSING.  Not only was I fat, but I was a freak.


Once I got to middle and high school I did everything to avoid gym class b/c it meant changing and being overweight it was uncomfortable.  I hated the sports we played since I didn't know how to play since I didn't play team sports.


Now.....well I still don't like working out 100%.  I think if I were 100 lbs lighter it would be SO much easier to spin and do pilates and run and I would like it more.  I try to enjoy it as best as I can, but I feel very self conscious most of the time and try to stay out of the limelight and in the back and not stand out or talk or ask questions.


Q2. Was there anyone in the past who influenced your healthy lifestyle? Family, friends, celebrities, etc. Any influencers now?


Not as a kid considering, I hated to watch sports and I didn't participate in it so.....


Now, I am a HUGE Boston Red Sox fan so I enjoy watching them play.  It also influenced me a few years back when I played softball as an adult for the first time which was a dream come true.


I don't really have any celebs who influence me- I mean I would like to have a celebrity body LOL!  I get more inspiration from reading blogs by people who have lost weight and gained confidence; regular people like me who are doing it and working at it as hard as they can.


Q3. Are there any exercise trends that you wish would return? What have you secretly wanted to try?


I would like to return my Optifast experience, even though it wasn't an exercise trend.  A few years back, I got so frustrated trying to lose weight, I went on Optifast.  Optifast is a doctor monitored low calorie liquid diet where you consume 890 calories per day.  (I was also running 3 miles 3-4 times a week at the same time as I was training for a 5k)  I had few options on it besides the shake and one kind of bar due to my food allergies, but I stuck with it for 3 months despite the fact that it was RIDIC expensive and I was getting very ill, dizzy and having heart palpitations-nearly passing out several times. (I googled about Optifast and read how people had lost family members on this diet....and freaked.)  In fact I had my b/p taken during one of these spells and it was 60/40.  That was the last day I followed the diet.  I went home from work and ate a small pizza and felt much better.    I only lost about 10 pounds in total on this diet, which sucked considering at the group meetings we would have after weighing in, people were losing that in one week, and I was hardly losing weight at all and it was frustrating and a very bad experience and I would not recommend it to anyone at all, ever.


Right now I wish I could play softball again!  As far as what is popular right now, I suppose I wish I was coordinated enough to take a Zumba class, but I am lucky I can walk without falling over in sneakers, and most of the time don't know my left from my right so..... me in a Zumba class would be dangerous!


Q4. Fast forward 5 years into the future. What will you have accomplished fitness or blogging wise by then?


I would like to have a successful blog by then, where I actually have readers and commenter's. Right now that is really bringing me down.


I would like to have done several more 5K's and at least one 10K.


I hope to have written a book/journal article on bullying (this is what my second post grad degree, and my potential PhD is on).   

All about me

After participating in last night's #fitblog on twitter (hosted beautifully by Skinny Emmie!) I got a ton of new followers.  Hopefully this will translate to new followers and commenters here!  So I figured I would post an about me.  If you know me, feel free to move along.

I don't know where to begin really.  I was born and raised in MA, USA.  Up until last September, I lived in Boston as a substitute teacher.  (I'm a licensed teacher in MA, in elementary education- but there are few jobs.) I am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland getting my second Masters in education.  I will be spending the summer working on my dissertation on school bullying.

I've applied to the PhD program here and am waiting on finding out if I've been accepted.  If so,  I will be researching bullying and its effects on upper primary grade children.  If I am not accepted, I will be having a nervous breakdown figuring out what I am going to do come September.

I've always been overweight.  In 1999 I started working out and eating better (and a lot less) and lost 85 pounds.  I didn't keep up the healthy lifestyle for a variety of reasons and over the past 10 years have gained all the weight back.

I tried several different diets, and in 2003 I went on Optifast.  I got really ill on this diet and didn't lose much weight at all (~10lbs), despite eating less than 900 calories a day and running 3 days a week.  Since then I have suffered from severe daily headaches that can leave me bedridden and miserable.  I have had countless tests and have seen 5 different neurologists.  The diagnoses range from chronic daily headache syndrome to chronic daily migraines.  Not one of the 5 doctors have had a definitive diagnosis or agreed with one another. It is frustrating, but I try to manage as best as I can.

Earlier last year I had been doing a lot better weight wise and right before I had breast reduction surgery in July.  After moving to Scotland and then losing my mum earlier this year, I've managed to gain a lot of weight despite trying various diet plans and recently going back to the gym.  I am assuming that this has to do with me eating my emotions and not dealing with how I am feeling over moving and losing my mum.  I mostly think I really like food and eating it- I just need to re-learn how to do it in moderation and not lose control.

Right now I am trying to get back into regular workouts as I love how it makes me feel (especially spinning), but I have a hard time staying motivated when I don't see any results.  (I know I shouldn't expect to see a lot of results in 2 weeks, but I had hoped to have found I hadn't *gained* even more weight.)

Questions?  Comments?  Fire away!

Not myself

I'm not feeling like myself today.  I haven't really felt like myself since we came back from London.  Even though my feet hurt, I had a lot of energy and felt good.  Recently, I just feel tired and sluggish and blah and whatnot.  I think it may have to do with the fact I'm out of my vitamin D supplement.

I think I am going to have to find a new and better GP if I am planning on staying here longer.  The last time I went and had my ankle looked at, about 30 seconds was spent on examination.  It just made me feel dismissed, like my issue wasn't real.

Anyways, I just feel blah.  Not depressed (well not anymore than usual), not anxious, just blah.  Maybe it is the weather, since it has been raining for what seems like forever now.  It rains, we get a bit of sun, it rains.  Repeat.

So I have no idea.  I'm excited to work out, but can't get the motivation to do it.  I have things I need to do and people to call etc, and can't "find the time."  I just wish I was at the point where everything came easy; healthy living and eating and working out and working on my dissertation.  Someday, some day soon I hope.

Today I had some me time and got my nails done and then I met Steph for lunch.  We walked around a bit after and then we came back and I ran a load of laundry and took a nap.  I meant to only sleep for a bit but it ended up being way longer than I wanted and missed spinning.  :(  Bad Cindy.

I also took a few photos of some of the damage that occurred in our neighborhood from the ridic winds here yesterday.  Not that it even makes any comparison to what has happened in the US, but it was crazy what some wind can do.

Tomorrow is a new day- hopefully with better choices.

Busy, wild weather Monday

If I were in Boston I could say there is quite a Nor'easter out there.  But I am in Glasgow.....and it is WINDY.  I mean 70mph gusts windy.  The plants in the windows are waving to and fro it is that windy.

Today started off ok.  I got my new Polar FT7 in the mail!  :)  It's the male version so it is kind of bulky and I could have sworn I selected the F version, but whatever.  It is great and has lots of functions that my old one doesn't.

After I watched L&O: CI I took it on a trial run at the gym.  I went at what I thought would have been a good time but I was wrong.  Even at 12:30ish it was busy and the 2 Espinners were out of service.  Combine that with the fact I was hungry and I ended up with a crappy workout.

I grabbed a sandwich at the gym cafe and then met Steph for coffee.  I nearly got blown away waiting for the bus!

We then went to St. Enoch to run some errands and to go to 3 to see if we could get her an iPhone (which we did!)  :)  We walked around a bit and I am glad I didn't have too much of a hard core work out since I wouldn't have had much energy to walk around in the wind and rain!    (I have no idea why that photo won't show up right side up!)






Anyways, I hope tomorrow will be a better workout day.

Yesterday/today catchup

1. Workout- I had no desire to do anything yesterday but I needed to pick up my prescription at uni, so I had to go out.  I walked to uni and then got the bus to the gym.

I did about 25 mins of upper body and then C25K.  I was VERY sweaty at the end.  I wanted to spin some but both bikes were being used and the class was full so I walked to the bus and then headed home.  Not bad.  :)

I ordered a new Polar HRM that is more up to date and will help me better train.  I can't wait to get my Polar FT7 HRM!


2. Grad school-I did meet with my professor on Thursday and he was totally fine that I hadn't gotten very far.  We discussed some changes and I will be making for the paper and what else needs to be done.  I also ran into some of my classmates and they hadn't done anything really either, so I don't feel bad or behind anymore.  So I have 20,000 words to write for it.  Good times.  I have a TON of research done already.  Just need to read it all.

3. Stephanie finished a big paper yesterday so we went out for dinner.  I had grilled chicken and it came with a grilled veggie tart.  It was delish.  I also had some chips- b/c the chips at the Curler's Rest are so delish.  And as a treat we had ice cream at the only Coldstone in Glasgow.  I had tiramisu.  Yum.   :)

4.  Today it's raining.  It's miserable out and I have no desire to go out in it.  I did walk a quick 2 miles to Boots and back to get my prescription and some coffee.  My ankle is really tender today so staying off it seems like a good idea.  Tomorrow I booked into a Body Pump class and that should be a good workout.

As for the rest of today- Doctor Who at 6:45 and some reading.  A nice, quiet, lazy day.

In which another day passes and nothing gets accomplished

I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow regarding my dissertation.  We met when I got back from the US after my mom died.  That was about 2 months ago.  In that time, I had 2 other papers to write, and I took a holiday.  I have done some research on my dissertation.  In fact I spent 2 days at the library looking up books and journal articles.  (Not that I have actually *read* them.)

I honestly have no idea what I am doing.  I found a template online to assist me in writing, but I am not really sure what I am supposed to be writing.  I mean do I just go all in and do this- or is there some sort of formulaic way- like the way a Law and Order episode is drawn out?   I hope my advisor isn't pissed that I have no idea what I am doing- I just felt really foolish asking at this point in the academic year.  (I've never had to write such a paper for my previous degrees so......)

So I am stressed and not feeling 100% and didn't work out again today and this isn't good since I had been doing so well.  I am going to the gym right after my meeting with my advisor in the morning to get it out of the way.

I also need to go to the public library and pick up a book.  I found a book group that meets in a coffee shop I love, and I really need to do something that isn't my dissertation this summer.

Oh!  And the one thing I did actually get done today (besides watching Timelash) was to book my mini trip to London to see INXS in June.  I am taking the overnight bus (cheap) and staying one night in London, and then busing back the night of the show.  It sucks and I will be tired but it is the cheapest option.  (I'd rather have the money for when we go see MAAN later in June!!!!)

Sorry if this is a totally random post- I'm not focusing at the moment.

Oh, and if you are reading this, please take a moment to say "hi" in the comments.  I <3 comments.

Ok I am really going to sign off this post and get work done.  Really.

Saturday's workout

I had a great workout on Saturday.  I did weights for 20 minutes (upper body), 30 minutes on the elliptical, and then another half hour on the treadmill doing C25K. 

The C25K was the hardest by far.  My ankle/foot was not happy about it, and it being the end of the workout, I was getting tired.  At the end as I cooled down, I had taken off my headphones.  I was feeling grumpy and frustrated over how difficult I found doing C25K.  And playing at the gym was the song that had been my mom's ringback tone.  And suddenly I felt a lot better.  :) 

I hope that I will have improved a lot by the time my first 5K comes about on 5th June.  Stephanie and I are doing the Race for Life.  If you are so inclined you can sponsor us here. 

Today is being spent at the library working on my dissertation and research.  My ankle needs the day off. 

How have you gotten  your workout on this weekend?  Are you running any races soon?

And my fellow Whovians, what did you think of The Doctor's Wife?  I thought it was brilliant and the best episode since the Tennant years!

back to it

Apparently my last post has vanished.  I hope it comes back soon.

I went shopping this morning and spent WAY too much money!  Oops.  I got things that I needed and my niece her 5th birthday present.

After coffee and getting caught in the rain, I came home so I could get work done and ended up searching for travel options for my weekend trip to London next month.

Then, I went to spinning today for the first time since my surgery, which was almost 10 months ago! (In fact this was my first real HARD workout since then.  I have been walking and things, but nothing overly exerting, hence the weight gain.)  I wish I hadn't waited so long because it was wonderful.  It was easier without the extra sports bra, and liberating as well!  I am sure I will be sore tomorrow!  I hope I can walk as it is Farmer's Market day!

So for an hour and nine minutes....
I thought it might be more, and it may be.  I think my HRM needs a new battery.

I'm tired but energetic, and part of me wants to go out to the store, but the other part of me has no desire to put on not my jim jams and go out.  It can wait until tomorrow.  No one needs yogurt that badly.

I should be working on my dissertation right now as well, but it is Friday night.  I do need to get a lot done in the next few days before my appt with my advisor.

Cheerio!

How Cindy got her gym groove back (or at least attempted to)

I will be honest.  The uni gym is not all that it's cracked up to be.  Which is why it's 40 pounds a year.  Granted, I can't complain about spending that money for pretty much 3 workouts.  Whatever.  No worries.  And I haven't gone regularly because 1.  I'm lazy and 2.  it sucks.  It has none of the classes I like and it has like 7 treadmills.  So.......

After walking around London I found I had more energy and felt better and actually lost like 6 pounds on vacation (eating mostly 99's and random food).  So I decided to give Glasgow Club a try.  They have locations all over the city, and some have hot tubs.  (Thank God.)

I headed to the Scotstoun location (a 2 mile walk from home, or a short bus ride).  I signed up and had my induction so I can use the equipment right away.  They have pilates and spinning and I am SO excited.  What was even cooler, is they have an eSpinner.  An eSpinner is a spin bike that you can plug your iPod into and use your own spin workouts/podcasts/or just your own music.  Or you can use a pre-embedded video workout.  I did a bit of both kinds to see what it was like.  I wish Bob Harper did the videos.  The guy doing it is kind of douchey.  But YMMV.

After I walked on the treadmill for a bit to calibrate my Nike+.  (It was already calibrated right!)

And then I soaked in the hot tub.  This is where I miss my old gym, Healthworks and their plushy, clean, plushy, high end, all women, beautiful, perfect club.  (If you live in the Boston area, check them out!!!)  With the giant jacuzzi and shower gel and shampoo in clean showers and the large vanities.... oh I could go ON!  No gym will ever compare to Healthworks, and that is ok.  Beacuse I found a place for a reasonable price for the time being where I can get my spinning and hot tub fix, and hopefully be skinnier in the process.

another week gone

and another 2lbs up.  :(  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.

The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me.  I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can't be bothered to put on a mask.  I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.

I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.

Living sucks.  I don't know how to do it anymore.  I don 't know how to cope.  I don't know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.

I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum.....  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

Bleurg

Bleurg.  This weight loss and exercise keeps getting derailed.  First, my shoulder (which still isn't back to normal), my ankle (which is starting to get better), and my never ending headaches.

My weight is up again- only a pound, but still.  I have now gained 30 pounds since my surgery in July.  NOT THE RIGHT WAY AROUND.

I'm trying a few things out to see if it helps.  I am starting to taper off on some of my meds to see if they are affecting my weight gain.  We got a stability ball and a mini trampoline that I can use at home.  I downloaded some Tae Bo and I am going to try to get to a spinning class this week.  I am walking more, as much as my ankle will let me- as it heals.

I would really like to be down to 200 by the end of the month- which is not likely to happen but I would like it before I go to London- to look and feel better about myself.

Update

I've been back in Glasgow a week, but I really haven't had much to say.  I left last Saturday afternoon, and my mum passed away a few hours after.  :(  I haven't really been in a "healthy" mindframe, nor have I been extremely off track.  I've been on several walks since I got back, but I haven't made the best choices in snacks either.  I've just been too distracted mentally not to mention jet lagged earlier in the week.

I am hoping this week is better for working out and eating.  Of course I have some sort of cold thing that is making me run down as anything and I feel like crap, so the exercising might have to wait- again.  Unless I wake up tomorrow and feel 100% better of course.

I have yet to weigh myself this week b/c I totally forgot today, but I did weigh last week and was up 2 lbs but considering the lack of healthy food and no $ at home and travel and the stress, that wasn't bad at all.