So today was my actual neuro appt. I went all the way to Southern General yesterday and found that the appt was today. I'm SO smart. I thought I was seeing a new neuro- but I saw the same one I saw the last time.
I gave him the rundown and he does not think that I have anything internally wrong with my head. He does think the headaches are chronic daily treatment resistant migraines. He gave me 2 choices. To go back to the beginning and start over, or to go on a medication that causes severe weight gain and hair loss. Which do you think I chose? As if I need any more difficulties losing weight. *eyeroll*
So I have to go to the GP tomorrow to get 2 new prescriptions. One which is like amitriptaline that they can titrate up, and one for a triptan to help with the pain, but it can only be taken twice a week (so it's like playing Russian roulette as to when the headache is the worst.)
This has been going on 5 years. 5 years. *sigh*
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
22 June 2011
30 May 2011
Sunday's workout
Today was supposed to be a practice dry run for my upcoming 5K. It was not very promising. I had got 5 minutes in my walk to the park and my hip was killing. I tried stretching and all sorts of movement to get it to feel right, and I could just not get it aligned.
Once I got to the park and began the running portion, it was not good. I managed 1.5/4 out of the running portions of week 3 day 1 of C25K. Granted I have not run outside in about a year and all the running I have been doing over the past 2-3 weeks has been on the treadmill, but I know I will be walking most of Sunday's 5K.
It will be so much easier if I can lose weight (quickly) and keep it off to run, and to do anything.
Tomorrow's workout is a pilates class and either walking or biking. I also need to start to figure out a way to get to the gym once this bus pass runs out. The bus pass costs more than the gym membership!
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Total mileage today: 5.79 miles
 |
| View of University of Glasgow from within Kelvingrove Park |
Once I got to the park and began the running portion, it was not good. I managed 1.5/4 out of the running portions of week 3 day 1 of C25K. Granted I have not run outside in about a year and all the running I have been doing over the past 2-3 weeks has been on the treadmill, but I know I will be walking most of Sunday's 5K.
It will be so much easier if I can lose weight (quickly) and keep it off to run, and to do anything.
Tomorrow's workout is a pilates class and either walking or biking. I also need to start to figure out a way to get to the gym once this bus pass runs out. The bus pass costs more than the gym membership!
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Total mileage today: 5.79 miles
25 May 2011
All about me
After participating in last night's #fitblog on twitter (hosted beautifully by Skinny Emmie!) I got a ton of new followers. Hopefully this will translate to new followers and commenters here! So I figured I would post an about me. If you know me, feel free to move along.
I don't know where to begin really. I was born and raised in MA, USA. Up until last September, I lived in Boston as a substitute teacher. (I'm a licensed teacher in MA, in elementary education- but there are few jobs.) I am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland getting my second Masters in education. I will be spending the summer working on my dissertation on school bullying.
I've applied to the PhD program here and am waiting on finding out if I've been accepted. If so, I will be researching bullying and its effects on upper primary grade children. If I am not accepted, I will be having a nervous breakdown figuring out what I am going to do come September.
I've always been overweight. In 1999 I started working out and eating better (and a lot less) and lost 85 pounds. I didn't keep up the healthy lifestyle for a variety of reasons and over the past 10 years have gained all the weight back.
I tried several different diets, and in 2003 I went on Optifast. I got really ill on this diet and didn't lose much weight at all (~10lbs), despite eating less than 900 calories a day and running 3 days a week. Since then I have suffered from severe daily headaches that can leave me bedridden and miserable. I have had countless tests and have seen 5 different neurologists. The diagnoses range from chronic daily headache syndrome to chronic daily migraines. Not one of the 5 doctors have had a definitive diagnosis or agreed with one another. It is frustrating, but I try to manage as best as I can.
Earlier last year I had been doing a lot better weight wise and right before I had breast reduction surgery in July. After moving to Scotland and then losing my mum earlier this year, I've managed to gain a lot of weight despite trying various diet plans and recently going back to the gym. I am assuming that this has to do with me eating my emotions and not dealing with how I am feeling over moving and losing my mum. I mostly think I really like food and eating it- I just need to re-learn how to do it in moderation and not lose control.
Right now I am trying to get back into regular workouts as I love how it makes me feel (especially spinning), but I have a hard time staying motivated when I don't see any results. (I know I shouldn't expect to see a lot of results in 2 weeks, but I had hoped to have found I hadn't *gained* even more weight.)
Questions? Comments? Fire away!
I don't know where to begin really. I was born and raised in MA, USA. Up until last September, I lived in Boston as a substitute teacher. (I'm a licensed teacher in MA, in elementary education- but there are few jobs.) I am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland getting my second Masters in education. I will be spending the summer working on my dissertation on school bullying.
I've applied to the PhD program here and am waiting on finding out if I've been accepted. If so, I will be researching bullying and its effects on upper primary grade children. If I am not accepted, I will be having a nervous breakdown figuring out what I am going to do come September.
I've always been overweight. In 1999 I started working out and eating better (and a lot less) and lost 85 pounds. I didn't keep up the healthy lifestyle for a variety of reasons and over the past 10 years have gained all the weight back.
I tried several different diets, and in 2003 I went on Optifast. I got really ill on this diet and didn't lose much weight at all (~10lbs), despite eating less than 900 calories a day and running 3 days a week. Since then I have suffered from severe daily headaches that can leave me bedridden and miserable. I have had countless tests and have seen 5 different neurologists. The diagnoses range from chronic daily headache syndrome to chronic daily migraines. Not one of the 5 doctors have had a definitive diagnosis or agreed with one another. It is frustrating, but I try to manage as best as I can.
Earlier last year I had been doing a lot better weight wise and right before I had breast reduction surgery in July. After moving to Scotland and then losing my mum earlier this year, I've managed to gain a lot of weight despite trying various diet plans and recently going back to the gym. I am assuming that this has to do with me eating my emotions and not dealing with how I am feeling over moving and losing my mum. I mostly think I really like food and eating it- I just need to re-learn how to do it in moderation and not lose control.
Right now I am trying to get back into regular workouts as I love how it makes me feel (especially spinning), but I have a hard time staying motivated when I don't see any results. (I know I shouldn't expect to see a lot of results in 2 weeks, but I had hoped to have found I hadn't *gained* even more weight.)
Questions? Comments? Fire away!
15 May 2011
Saturday's workout
I had a great workout on Saturday. I did weights for 20 minutes (upper body), 30 minutes on the elliptical, and then another half hour on the treadmill doing C25K.
The C25K was the hardest by far. My ankle/foot was not happy about it, and it being the end of the workout, I was getting tired. At the end as I cooled down, I had taken off my headphones. I was feeling grumpy and frustrated over how difficult I found doing C25K. And playing at the gym was the song that had been my mom's ringback tone. And suddenly I felt a lot better. :)
I hope that I will have improved a lot by the time my first 5K comes about on 5th June. Stephanie and I are doing the Race for Life. If you are so inclined you can sponsor us here.
Today is being spent at the library working on my dissertation and research. My ankle needs the day off.
How have you gotten your workout on this weekend? Are you running any races soon?
And my fellow Whovians, what did you think of The Doctor's Wife? I thought it was brilliant and the best episode since the Tennant years!
The C25K was the hardest by far. My ankle/foot was not happy about it, and it being the end of the workout, I was getting tired. At the end as I cooled down, I had taken off my headphones. I was feeling grumpy and frustrated over how difficult I found doing C25K. And playing at the gym was the song that had been my mom's ringback tone. And suddenly I felt a lot better. :)
I hope that I will have improved a lot by the time my first 5K comes about on 5th June. Stephanie and I are doing the Race for Life. If you are so inclined you can sponsor us here.
Today is being spent at the library working on my dissertation and research. My ankle needs the day off.
How have you gotten your workout on this weekend? Are you running any races soon?
And my fellow Whovians, what did you think of The Doctor's Wife? I thought it was brilliant and the best episode since the Tennant years!
10 April 2011
another week gone
and another 2lbs up. :( I have no idea what is wrong with me. It makes me want to cry.
I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.
All I want to do is eat. Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.
That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts. Everything hurts. My shoulder, my head, my ankle.
I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.
All I want to do is eat. Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.
That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts. Everything hurts. My shoulder, my head, my ankle.
The scale keeps going up and up and up and it makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist. Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me. I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore. It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore. I have to look at myself to put it on. And I can't be bothered to put on a mask. I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.
I should be close my goal weight by now. Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.
Living sucks. I don't know how to do it anymore. I don 't know how to cope. I don't know how to be happy. I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it. Just walking to uni is exhausting. Just getting up is exhausting. Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.
I am just so drained and emotional. I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right. I just miss my mum..... no more phone calls or birthday cards. No more Red Sox games. I just want to hear her voice. I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself. And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok. Just one more time.
04 April 2011
Bleurg
Bleurg. This weight loss and exercise keeps getting derailed. First, my shoulder (which still isn't back to normal), my ankle (which is starting to get better), and my never ending headaches.
My weight is up again- only a pound, but still. I have now gained 30 pounds since my surgery in July. NOT THE RIGHT WAY AROUND.
I'm trying a few things out to see if it helps. I am starting to taper off on some of my meds to see if they are affecting my weight gain. We got a stability ball and a mini trampoline that I can use at home. I downloaded some Tae Bo and I am going to try to get to a spinning class this week. I am walking more, as much as my ankle will let me- as it heals.
I would really like to be down to 200 by the end of the month- which is not likely to happen but I would like it before I go to London- to look and feel better about myself.
My weight is up again- only a pound, but still. I have now gained 30 pounds since my surgery in July. NOT THE RIGHT WAY AROUND.
I'm trying a few things out to see if it helps. I am starting to taper off on some of my meds to see if they are affecting my weight gain. We got a stability ball and a mini trampoline that I can use at home. I downloaded some Tae Bo and I am going to try to get to a spinning class this week. I am walking more, as much as my ankle will let me- as it heals.
I would really like to be down to 200 by the end of the month- which is not likely to happen but I would like it before I go to London- to look and feel better about myself.
22 February 2011
New new new new new neuro
Yes, this was neuro #5. He seemed pleasant enough, but did cut me off a few times when I was explaining some of the medical history and he also declined a copy of the records I had brought with me.
He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).
Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura). I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines. He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone. Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache? *shrugs*
I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced. (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35. Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.
So the plan is...
Continue Venlafaxine in am. Currently continue ativan. Add flunarizine as a preventative at night. For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER. He also wants me to stop the ativan. I should be titrated off it, he said. I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help? He said there was nothing that could be prescribed. So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it? I don't believe that for a second. I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area. My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started. I need help with the anxiety. It isn't a joke. He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin. FUN TIEMS AHEAD. (or not)
Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .
He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).
Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura). I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines. He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone. Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache? *shrugs*
I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced. (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35. Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.
So the plan is...
Continue Venlafaxine in am. Currently continue ativan. Add flunarizine as a preventative at night. For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER. He also wants me to stop the ativan. I should be titrated off it, he said. I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help? He said there was nothing that could be prescribed. So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it? I don't believe that for a second. I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area. My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started. I need help with the anxiety. It isn't a joke. He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin. FUN TIEMS AHEAD. (or not)
Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .
New new new new new neurologist
Yes, this was neuro #5. He seemed pleasant enough, but did cut me off a few times when I was explaining some of the medical history and he also declined a copy of the records I had brought with me.
He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).
Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura). I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines. He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone. Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache? *shrugs*
I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced. (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35. Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.
So the plan is...
Continue Venlafaxine in am. Currently continue ativan. Add flunarizine as a preventative at night. For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER. He also wants me to stop the ativan. I should be titrated off it, he said. I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help? He said there was nothing that could be prescribed. So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it? I don't believe that for a second. I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area. My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started. I need help with the anxiety. It isn't a joke. He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin. FUN TIEMS AHEAD. (or not)
Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .
He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).
Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura). I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines. He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone. Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache? *shrugs*
I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced. (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35. Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.
So the plan is...
Continue Venlafaxine in am. Currently continue ativan. Add flunarizine as a preventative at night. For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER. He also wants me to stop the ativan. I should be titrated off it, he said. I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help? He said there was nothing that could be prescribed. So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it? I don't believe that for a second. I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area. My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started. I need help with the anxiety. It isn't a joke. He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin. FUN TIEMS AHEAD. (or not)
Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .
13 February 2011
Sunday blues and what I got up to Saturday
I've had this headache for what seems forever, only getting minor relief. All week going to the workshop was torture. I wasn't sleeping b/c of the pain (that and my shoulder) which made getting up at 7 not so fun. I am glad it is over. I really didn't get much out of it, until Thursday and I still have no idea what my assignment is going to be on.
I managed to struggle out to the shops w/ Steph yesterday. First, we went to the farmers market down the hill and it was very cute and I had a lovely fresh scone. We got some all natural soaps and oat bars as well.
Then we went to Buchanan b/c I needed to pick up my new glasses. They were there, and I also picked up some makeup and more meds and other assorted things.
We poked around the area for a bit, popped into Forbidden Planet and then headed home. On the way home I convinced her to stop and be all girly and get a manicure. :)
I had a plan to finish my paper last night, but my head was being unreasonable in the evening so I spent half the time in the dark, and the other half we watched the first 2 episodes of Sherlock (again).
Today I have to finish my research proposal and read for Tuesday. Neither of which are at the top of my list. I hope I can get through at least finishing the paper without my head exploding.
I managed to struggle out to the shops w/ Steph yesterday. First, we went to the farmers market down the hill and it was very cute and I had a lovely fresh scone. We got some all natural soaps and oat bars as well.
Then we went to Buchanan b/c I needed to pick up my new glasses. They were there, and I also picked up some makeup and more meds and other assorted things.
We poked around the area for a bit, popped into Forbidden Planet and then headed home. On the way home I convinced her to stop and be all girly and get a manicure. :)
I had a plan to finish my paper last night, but my head was being unreasonable in the evening so I spent half the time in the dark, and the other half we watched the first 2 episodes of Sherlock (again).
Today I have to finish my research proposal and read for Tuesday. Neither of which are at the top of my list. I hope I can get through at least finishing the paper without my head exploding.
04 February 2011
Le sigh
I was feeling good about myself and everything yesterday and had big ideas and dreams of a positive post today. But now the end of the day has come, and those ideas are gone.
I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated b/c even with low carb, counting calories, or Tony Ferguson shakes I'm not losing weight. In fact, I'm either the same or more every time I weigh.
I'm angry at myself for getting this far behind again.
I'm frustrated b/c it hurts to walk (foot and shoulder) which means working out seems like a far off place.
I hate being jealous of my girlfriend who gets skinnier by the day.
I hate that I had surgery partially to make working out easier, and then never worked out afterwards.
I hate feeling this way.
I know the only way to overcome it is to change with healthy habits and a positive attitude. If only my heart and desire could make the rest of me do it.
I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated b/c even with low carb, counting calories, or Tony Ferguson shakes I'm not losing weight. In fact, I'm either the same or more every time I weigh.
I'm angry at myself for getting this far behind again.
I'm frustrated b/c it hurts to walk (foot and shoulder) which means working out seems like a far off place.
I hate being jealous of my girlfriend who gets skinnier by the day.
I hate that I had surgery partially to make working out easier, and then never worked out afterwards.
I hate feeling this way.
I know the only way to overcome it is to change with healthy habits and a positive attitude. If only my heart and desire could make the rest of me do it.
26 January 2011
medical update
Tomorrow it will be six months since my breast reduction. Scary. They have healed nicely- some scarring, but I was never worried about that. They are bigger than I hoped, but I hope some of that can be taken care of with exercise.
I went to the physio open house re: my shoulder today. I am on the wait list for an assessment and a final determination as to whether or not this is frozen shoulder. I have all the criteria. So I have to wait on that.
My foot still isn't any better even with inserts and wearing trainers instead of fun boots. *eyeroll* I will give it another few days and then contact the GP and be like ok, this has gone on long enough.
Still waiting for neuro consult. *eyeroll*
Weight so far this week is stable. Yesterday sucked eating wise b/c I overslept and didn't have time to make anything (not that I had food to make) and had fast-ish food and then by the time I got home from school I was starving and then we fell asleep and ended up getting Chinese takeout. Mine is noodles and veggies and of course they didn't listen to NO SAUCE AT ALL and did add it so I had to wash it all off as best as I can, take a ton of antihistamines and hoped for the best.
Right now all I want is a nap
I went to the physio open house re: my shoulder today. I am on the wait list for an assessment and a final determination as to whether or not this is frozen shoulder. I have all the criteria. So I have to wait on that.
My foot still isn't any better even with inserts and wearing trainers instead of fun boots. *eyeroll* I will give it another few days and then contact the GP and be like ok, this has gone on long enough.
Still waiting for neuro consult. *eyeroll*
Weight so far this week is stable. Yesterday sucked eating wise b/c I overslept and didn't have time to make anything (not that I had food to make) and had fast-ish food and then by the time I got home from school I was starving and then we fell asleep and ended up getting Chinese takeout. Mine is noodles and veggies and of course they didn't listen to NO SAUCE AT ALL and did add it so I had to wash it all off as best as I can, take a ton of antihistamines and hoped for the best.
Right now all I want is a nap
10 January 2011
Keep on keeping on
The scale is finally moving in the right direction, despite not the best of eating. I'm down to about 3 quid, so I've been eating what I have in the house, which isn't much I am afraid. Frozen pizza and whatnot. And yesterday I went to my first panto, and despite having a good meal before I left I was starving halfway through, and ended up eating a bag of chocolates. :( There were limited choices and I had to find something with no nuts.
I have been trying to replace one meal with a weight loss shake. Granted this is not the most healthy way, but it is reasonable for me since it is on hand, it keeps me from being too hungry in the mornings, and I don't find the taste awful. Once we get a blender I can make my own w/ fruit and yougurt.
I really hope that I can do this, b/c if I do get to see DT in London this summer, I want to look my best. I'm tired of hating what I see in the mirror. I had Stephanie take "before" pics for me. I was disgusted. I can't believe I let myself get so unhealthy.
I'm also worried about my shoulder and my foot. I don't want to have any setbacks as I have started walking more but my foot really hurts. It appears it is the metatarsal bone on my right foot that is hurting. I hope it isn't anything serious. If I could wear trainers every day I would, but with the icy/wet/snowy weather I need to wear wellies which don't have great support. Hopefully when I get my money I can set some sort of additional support for them.
Classes begin again tomorrow so I should be reading for that....
I have been trying to replace one meal with a weight loss shake. Granted this is not the most healthy way, but it is reasonable for me since it is on hand, it keeps me from being too hungry in the mornings, and I don't find the taste awful. Once we get a blender I can make my own w/ fruit and yougurt.
I really hope that I can do this, b/c if I do get to see DT in London this summer, I want to look my best. I'm tired of hating what I see in the mirror. I had Stephanie take "before" pics for me. I was disgusted. I can't believe I let myself get so unhealthy.
I'm also worried about my shoulder and my foot. I don't want to have any setbacks as I have started walking more but my foot really hurts. It appears it is the metatarsal bone on my right foot that is hurting. I hope it isn't anything serious. If I could wear trainers every day I would, but with the icy/wet/snowy weather I need to wear wellies which don't have great support. Hopefully when I get my money I can set some sort of additional support for them.
Classes begin again tomorrow so I should be reading for that....
16 December 2010
Emotional
(Again I ramble. My apologies. I'm writing from the heart here; all my logic has been lost on my 4000 word paper.)
I'm an emotional wreck today. The painters are in (LMAO I love that euphemism) and that has a lot to do with it. There is also this issue of a 4000 word paper due tomorrow that I feel is shite.
Alas, that is not the real reason I'm emotional. At least not 100% of it. I feel overwhelmed. I feel confused. I'm scared. I feel sad and lonely and I miss my family and my best friend and my other close friends. And unfortunately my gf ends up bearing the brunt of my irrationality. Which isn't right or fair. So I am trying to do all my sad song listening, Vale Decem sobbing, and more sobbing while she isn't home.
Fear and shame have driven me inside myself since June of 2004 and I am not sure I can ever find the person I was 4 years before that- the person who I liked (and perhaps was liked in return) and was confident and happy (I thought, at least somewhat happy) and while I was still as emotional and needy and whiny and whatnot then, I was thin and I had a great life ahead of me. So I thought. I also wasn't scared to go out in public, well in bigger public than the grocery store or be in a social situation. (Not that there have been many of them in the past few years- and every time there is one, there doesn't seem to be enough Ativan to cope.)
I found out then, that for the few months I was "thin," that it didn't change my life. I didn't have a million dollars. I didn't have a boyfriend who looked like Tom Brady with the humanity(and voice) of David Tennant and the humour of Dustin Pedroia. I had a nicer body that I worked hard for, but everything else stayed the same. I still had to pay the bills and take out the trash. I still made bad decisions. Really, really horrible, bad decisions. (One that I can't forgive myself for.) I still cried. I still was scared to be alone.
And here I am 10 years later. I may have achieved a lot (of weight gain once again) and I may have earned my M.Ed, but I still haven't found my place. Due to economics or me just being me, I haven't had a job longer than 2 school years. And now with cuts across the globe, I'm ever more worried about prospects after I finish my second Master's degree and where I will end up.
Will 2011 be my year? Will they find a reason and a fix for my headaches? Will I be able to go out to a social event without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me and laughing at me? (and can I do it sans meds?) And will I have to do it alone? I hope not.
I'm an emotional wreck today. The painters are in (LMAO I love that euphemism) and that has a lot to do with it. There is also this issue of a 4000 word paper due tomorrow that I feel is shite.
Alas, that is not the real reason I'm emotional. At least not 100% of it. I feel overwhelmed. I feel confused. I'm scared. I feel sad and lonely and I miss my family and my best friend and my other close friends. And unfortunately my gf ends up bearing the brunt of my irrationality. Which isn't right or fair. So I am trying to do all my sad song listening, Vale Decem sobbing, and more sobbing while she isn't home.
Fear and shame have driven me inside myself since June of 2004 and I am not sure I can ever find the person I was 4 years before that- the person who I liked (and perhaps was liked in return) and was confident and happy (I thought, at least somewhat happy) and while I was still as emotional and needy and whiny and whatnot then, I was thin and I had a great life ahead of me. So I thought. I also wasn't scared to go out in public, well in bigger public than the grocery store or be in a social situation. (Not that there have been many of them in the past few years- and every time there is one, there doesn't seem to be enough Ativan to cope.)
I found out then, that for the few months I was "thin," that it didn't change my life. I didn't have a million dollars. I didn't have a boyfriend who looked like Tom Brady with the humanity(and voice) of David Tennant and the humour of Dustin Pedroia. I had a nicer body that I worked hard for, but everything else stayed the same. I still had to pay the bills and take out the trash. I still made bad decisions. Really, really horrible, bad decisions. (One that I can't forgive myself for.) I still cried. I still was scared to be alone.
And here I am 10 years later. I may have achieved a lot (of weight gain once again) and I may have earned my M.Ed, but I still haven't found my place. Due to economics or me just being me, I haven't had a job longer than 2 school years. And now with cuts across the globe, I'm ever more worried about prospects after I finish my second Master's degree and where I will end up.
Will 2011 be my year? Will they find a reason and a fix for my headaches? Will I be able to go out to a social event without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me and laughing at me? (and can I do it sans meds?) And will I have to do it alone? I hope not.
11 November 2009
Food/Exercise log 11/11/09
Finally I got meds today, so hopefully I will be feeling better soon. For some reason the headache just won't shake. It really sucks. I want to do things but it just hurts so damned much even with the pills. *sigh* I really hope tomorrow I feel human again considering I have to work. Going 2+ days without meds was awful. The pain was incessant and made me feel horrid and I could hardly think or anything. I woke up in the night thinking I was going to die. I even put icy hot on my forehead I was at such a loss.
Breakfast:
gingerbread latte and a croissant OMG what was I thinking
Lunch:
Lean cuisine quesedilla and 1 cup of rice
snack:
clif z bar
dinner:
6 inch subway turkey
baked lays
clif z bar
Breakfast:
gingerbread latte and a croissant OMG what was I thinking
Lunch:
Lean cuisine quesedilla and 1 cup of rice
snack:
clif z bar
dinner:
6 inch subway turkey
baked lays
clif z bar
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