Name change and an update

My blogs have had various incarnations over the years.  I started blogging at neophytegirl.net a long time ago, when I had my own domain.  This was many years ago.  I know I had a backup of it sometime ago, but I can't find it.....at least at the moment.  I've had my LJ and now recently I had toocurvyagain at wordpress and abostongirlinglasgow which I merged into one. 

But I think it is time for a change.  I'm still a Boston girl.  I'm still in Glasgow.  But that isn't who I am and it isn't what defines me.  I was going to have a vote or a suggestion entry about what I should change the name of my blog to.  And then I realized, having someone else name it, won't work.

Hence- Cindy's struggles.  That is my name, and well my life has been a series of struggles. 

So that is that.

The London trip was fun and packed and yes, I met David Tennant and Catherine Tate.  The play was brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant- I want to go back and see it again and again (and if I can get down there to see it again, I will- after my dissertation is done, of course!)  I hope to get to write up about the play ASAP.

As far as the healthiness journey goes, I'm working on eliminating gluten to see if it helps with the headaches.  I hope to get back to the gym this week as well.  If it doesn't happen, I am not going to stress too much over it as I believe I have about 2 weeks to finish my dissertation, and that has to come first.  I will have plenty of time afterwards.

How do you deal with stress, deadlines, and workouts?

The Power of Positive Thinking?

Anyone who knows me, or who reads this blog for that matter (which is probably why I don't get many comments) knows or has read that I am a glass is half empty kinda gal.  I am always negative.  Nothing is every right.  Nothing ever goes right.  I'm a mess, a disaster, and nothing good ever happens to me. 

I certainly feel that way right now.  This year has sucked so far.  I've had health issues.  My mum has died.  I've had academic issues.  My flat has been robbed, and belongings stolen.  I can't lose weight.  I was sick for over  a month.  I went to London and got spat on.  I could go on.

So while I am very aware of how negative I am, I wonder how much of this is the fault of negative thinking?  I mean I am sure I didn't have a cold/infection/whatever for a month + because I was upset about being ill.  I am sure my flat wasn't burgled because I am down on myself all the time, right? 

My question is, is that if I were more positive, would things go right?  Would finishing my dissertation be a breeze?  Will I meet David Tennant next week?  Will I get into the PhD programme or get a fab job offer?  Will I suddenly lose 20 pounds and get rid of this headache I've had for 5 years? 

Because I will be honest.  I am starting to panic.  My dissertation is due on 3 August.  (I had no idea what the due date was b/c I didn't see the attachment I was sent before today and I really thought I had more time.)  I still don't know what the deal will be with the PhD programme.  I was under the impression that all the document were received based on an email I received but I checked the online checker thing and it said it was on hold waiting for documents.  And if I don't get in, how am I going to get home?  Will I have a place to live, a job, anything?  I am really in a panic here.  People always say things will work out, but I don't want to go back home and be homeless and have nothing at all. 

So do I think positively and get on with it or do I keep with my negative (but realistic as I always thought) ways?  And that way I will be pleased when the outcome is positive, but not disappointed if it isn't. 


Ok.  Procrastination over.

Failure to communicate

I know many of you bloggers and readers out there (especially bloggers) have tied your careers in with your blog.  But what happens when something happens that makes you wonder if you are in the right field at all?

I've always been more book smart than social smart.  It's a no brainer.  I did REALLY well in my first Master's program.  I had a 3.75, and my lowest grade was a B+ and that was one class.  All my other classes were A or A-.

Now here in Glasgow, my grades are not remotely close to being where they were back home.  In fact I got a paper back today that pretty much ripped me a new one, told me I didn't understand the author, and so on.  (Which is interesting b/c I used the same argument in my first paper and did really well.)   I also wrote the paper in 2 days, not having realized it was due.  I was not really with it at the time with having just arrived back from the states and all of the heartache that those few weeks brought.

It is making me really question whether or not I am going to do well with my dissertation, and especially if I am even going to get into the PhD program.  And if I do get in, have I set myself up to fail already?  I know I should be using this as an opportunity for growth, but right now, I need to know if this is as good as I am going to get academically, and if I should just go back to what (I think) I'm good at.

In the end I know I will be ok if I am not accepted.  I can still use my dissertation as a jumping off point to write a book or paper on bullying if I choose to.   On the other hand, I was kind of getting excited to have those extra letters after my name.....

Have any of you ever experienced work challenges like this?

Today's eats

I am not sure if I am feeling so lethargic due to still being sick or the low carb diet.  I didn't get nearly enough done, napped, and not much else.

I wasn't as hungry today- but right now I am SO sick of chicken.  Ugh.  I just want a huge salad.  I may not make it through the all protein phase and just go right to protein + veggies and limit carbs.  I need energy for my brain to get my dissertation done, so maybe this wasn't the BEST time to try to cut carbs cold turkey.

Tomorrow I have a neuro appt.  With my 6th neuro. :(

Breakfast:
2 scrambled eggs
oat bran pancake
coffee

lunch
can of tuna
1/2 chicken breast
cucumber stuff that Steph made and I didn't want it to go bad

dinner
2 chicken breasts
1/2 pancake Steph didn't eat earlier

dessert
activia yogurt + some fat free plain yogurt

And with that- bedtime!

Still sick

I'm still sick.  :(   This is getting really old.  I've been sick since the week before the 5K.  Granted gallavanting all over London town last weekend did me no favours.  However, it's been a month.  I should be feeling better.  I'm on antibiotics.  The doctor said after 48 hours I'd be feeling better.  It's been 4 days.  I still feel exhausted, drained, and miserable.  :(

I did manage to make it out of the house today to try and work on my dissertation.  (As you can see I am working hard.)

I really hope I am back to myself soon.  I am tired of feeling this way and having everything be a federal project.  I put away laundry last night and it wiped me out. That, and I have booked in for Pilates on Tuesday and I want to be feeling well enough to go.

I hope you're all having a nice weekend!

A weekend of highs and lows (sorry it's long!)

This weekend was really awesome in some ways, and absolutely horrendous in others. I hope I can do justice in documenting it.


Thursday night: 
Steph and I took the overnight bus from Glasgow to London.  Let me warn you, folks.  Not a good idea.  While very cheap, it SUCKS.  We had hoped to spread out (like everyone else) but ended up having to sit together, which while fine, it just meant neither of us had much room.   It also meant I didn't sleep.  At all.  The bus itself was noisy, it was too light (for me), and the seats were uncomfortable.  The only good thing was the wi-fi.  Finally at 4ish I gave up trying to rest and listened to the Red Sox rout the Yankees, which gave me enough adrenaline to function once we arrived in London.


Friday: 
Once we arrived we set up camp in a Starbucks for a while (waiting for the commuter rush to be over) and had coffee and breakfast.  The pancakes were pretty good, IMO.  We hung out there for a while and then got on the Tube and headed to Leicester Square.  We walked around a bit, and then got more coffee at Costa and figured out the rest of the day.

We then got the tube and a train to Crystal Palace, where our hotel was.  Now, google maps really fucked up on this one and had us walk this RIDICULOUS way to the hotel up 2 massive hills where I was actually convinced I was going to have a heart attack and die.  My ankle was killing, I was starving, and I was walking up this hill that was insane.  And did I mention it was raining and I am carrying a heavy backpack?

We finally got to the hotel (early) and sat waiting for the room to be ready.  Finally, it was- all I wanted to do was sleep.  I didn't care that the restaurant that was advertised to be a part of the hotel didn't exist.  I just wanted to sleep.  I did just that. 

2 hours and change later, Steph woke me up.  Now, at this point, I really wish I had just told her to go on without me.  I was that tired.  (and in hindsight I wish I had).  I finally dragged myself into the shower and got ready.  We found an easier way to walk back to the train station and on the way stopped at a restaurant called the Grape and the Grain.  I had a falafel sandwich, and it was really, really good.  I was starving at that point and was planning on stopping at the first place we saw, I just needed to eat as it was a long time since those pancakes. 

We ate and then headed to the train station and took the train back into the city to go back into Leicester square.  It was our plan to wait for David Tennant and Catherine Tate after the evening performance of Much Ado.... (this was the backup plan in case when we see them later in the month that we had a chance for autographs).  When we got there the barriers were up, but no one was out waiting yet, so we figured we had some time to kill.  We wandered around and went to Amorino for gelato (the best gelato in the world IMO)


It was raining, so after the gelato, we found refuge in little shops, trying to stay dry.  It was at this point I began to get very panicked and nervous.  I have issues with social anxiety, which I think was the main contribution to being so panicked, and being exhausted- also a trigger.  When we arrived back at the barrier, Steph was so excited, I knew I couldn't ruin this for her, so I said I would just wait for her away from the theatre....

I paced around for a bit, and then decided so I went to get a coffee across from the theatre.  I ordered from the take away menu, but they had me sit down and they'd bring me my coffee.  They did and asked me to pay.  Now the menu said £1.80 and they now told me it was £2.70.  I explained I had asked for take away as I didn't have the £2.70 ( I had £2.66) and they didn't take cards either.  So the waitress went away to ask about it and came back and told me that they would have to take the coffee away and told me I needed to leave immediately.  (So they would rather lose 4 pence than put the coffee in a take away cup and give it to me?)  Humiliated, I walked away.  What I didn't know, was that this wouldn't be the most humiliating part of my evening yet.

I walked around back to the front of the theatre, but across the street to wait.  A group of quite possibly very drunk people came up to me and shoved me into the grate behind me, and walked away laughing.  Not much later, some random guy walked past me, said "fat bitch," and spit on me.  (Luckily I had a napkin in my pocket.)  I was humiliated and embarrassed, and I felt terrible- like I was back in high school being bulled and barked at on a daily basis.  And then of course (since I am doing my dissertation on bullying) began thinking of others who have had it so much worse and I realized I was getting a bit desensitized to this kind of behaviour, b/c when I tweeted about it so many people were in an outrage - (while I was blaming myself for how I looked, how I am, how I can't seem to get myself under control and lose weight and how painful doing some things is there by perpetuating the entire thing in a vicious cycle.)

Steph came back from getting Catherine Tate and David Tennant's autographs a little after, and I was very happy she was happy and glad she was done, b/c I just wanted to go back to the hotel- which we did after a bit of difficulty in trying to get a cab back to the hotel ( I was too tired and sore to walk the mile in the rain and dark.)

Saturday:
Saturday we had a big day planned.  We needed to check out of the hotel, go to Barking (on the other side of London) to Big Finish day to meet Colin Baker and Sophie Aldred, and then go back to the other side of London to Clapham Common to see INXS.  (When I made the original plans I was just going to the concert alone, and then when I won 2 tickets Steph decided to come with me and then we found out about Big Finish day, hence the back and forth.)

We headed out, got money and breakfast and took the overground, to the DLR, to the train to Barking.  We weren't 100% sure about the directions google maps gave us, so we took a cab to the location (good thing as the maps had it wrong).  We wandered around looking at merchandise and pictures and whatnot waiting for the celebs to come back from lunch. 

Finally we got a chance to talk to Colin Baker.  He was funny and gracious.  I told him we found his tweets funny, and he asked what my username was- I told him what it was and that I was the one who kept asking for the Bayban avatar.  He laughed and said he was trying to find a picture and would change it soon for me.  :)  He signed for us and then we went on our way to meet Sophie Aldred who took a picture with the Plushies for us!

She also signed for us and then we decided we had enough of the con and headed off to make our way to Clapham Commons.  We had time to kill, so we stopped at Starbucks to have a coffee before heading over.

We finally went over to the commons, and found a place to sit and relax.  It was nice out at that point, and there were plenty of people to watch and it was nice to just relax. 

Finally, INXS came on and I was so excited.  I jumped around and danced and sang along.  ( I am going to make a separate blog entry just for the show)

As soon as the show was over, we had to book it to the tube to get to Victoria station in time for the bus.  We made it just in time (had the tube not kept STOPPING for no reason, we would have had plenty of time.)  The bus driver was very rude to me and told me that usually they leave 5 minutes early (if you leave at 10 you should leave at 10) and that we should have gotten there earlier.  I explained that we got lost trying to find the bus area as it isn't attached to Victoria.  He didn't care and told us we couldn't bring dinner on as it was hot food.  (what is the friggin' difference between a hot and cold sandwich).  I didn't care, I shoved it in my bag and ate it anyway.  I was starving!

We couldn't even sit together on the bus b/c people were all spread out and wouldn't share or move so we could sit together.  It was extremely rude and I was really pissed off.  And the guy I ended up sitting next to kept spreading over into my seat- at one point I was sitting on the handle and had no where to move- I was going to sit on the floor in the aisle at that point!  I didn't sleep at all again, and I was SO glad when we got back to Glasgow. 

We got home at about 7ish, I changed and passed out until about 4 in the afternoon, got up and ate dinner, and went back to bed.  I am still tired now, but not as much. 

And how was  your weekend?

How do you do it?

Every day I read a lot of blogs (mostly when I should be working on my dissertation) and one thing I've noticed overall is how almost all the writers are up early working out or up early working (even if they aren't working in the workplace.)

As a grad student I make my own hours, and I find it difficult to get up before noon.  Getting up today at around 10:30ish was killer and required a nap later on. Even when on vacation in London when we had to get up for free breakfast (which is a real motivator in my books) we managed it twice. And that was only making sure we were up by 9:20, a feat which should be relatively easy.

Even when I was working full time and had to get up at 6ish, it was difficult and it took a lot of coffee to get me going.  Don't even get me started on trying to workout before.  The few times I attempted it left me red faced, sweaty and icky, and that was before dealing with the kids at school!

So, how do you do it?  Is sleeping late the cause of my weight gain and inability to lose weight?  Is it the wacky hours I keep?  Is it eating dinner at 9pm or later?  Or is it my laziness? Is it caused by being so far away from home and knowing that if I go out, when I come back I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs which makes my ankle hurt and my lungs want to collapse?  Is it a side effect of all those years of meds which never worked to try to fix my headache which still hasn't gone away, or from wrecking my body with Optifast in 2006?

Am I just making excuses?
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I think I know I am frustrated.  I expected in the 2 weeks I worked out a lot to have lost at least a pound.  Right?  I was eating better, working out, I had more energy.  So of course I gained 3 pounds.

Being sick for the past 2 weeks hasn't really helped and I've managed a handful of workouts and the 5K b/c I haven't had the energy or been able to breathe from the coughing to workout.  (I've been to the doctor- they said it lasts 2-3 weeks, and there is nothing they can do, I just need rest and fluids, which I've been doing.)

I hope after my quickie trip to London this weekend I will be feeling more myself and back to working out and whatnot.  Because I certainly do not want to feel this way anymore.


How do you overcome setbacks?  


Are you a morning person?

Race for Life 5K recap

The morning dawned far too early and chilly for my liking.  I still wasn't feeling (and still am not) better, but I downed cold meds and vitamins with a cup of coffee and rushed around getting ready.  I don't like to be late for things, especially when I am not 100% sure of where I am going, and I didn't double check the time the bus was leaving, so we ended up taking a later one, which ended up being fine.  One thing we learned today, don't get off the bus when everyone else does- they might not have a clue where they are going either!

After a bit of wandering through Buchanan and St. Enoch, and a stop at Costa for Steph, we followed the sea of pink to Glasgow Green.  We dropped off 2 bags of clothing donations, and headed for the start.  Steph planned to run most of it, and I planned to do a mix, depending on whether or not I could breathe (not very well).

We were separated quickly, so I cranked up the tunes and read people's messages of hope on their bibs as they passed me (gasping for air mostly LOL).  This hit a little close to home, as I would see young women and kids with bibs that said "for my mummy."  I hadn't realized (and IDK why) messages of hope and remembrance could be for anyone, not just people who had passed away from breast cancer.  (The large amount of remembrances for dads and grandpa's showed this.) I definitely would have done my bib differently had I known.

I had a hard time keeping my heart rate down due to being ill and the cold meds I am sure.  I ended up walking more than I hoped b/c my heart rate was in the 150-160 range even while walking, and when running would boot up to over 180 very quickly.  I also wish I had reset my Nike+ at the start, as opposed to when I started it up walking TO the race.  There were no mile markers or water stops (??? why ???) so I had no idea of my time or how far I had gone.  My "official" finish was 43 minutes and change give or take, which is pretty good for an out of shape, and way too overweight for her height 35 year old! (ok, it isn't, and I was humbled by many people I would consider not in the best shape passing me, including the elderly and those with canes.  Yes, I kid you not.)

Once I finally saw a mile marker for 4K, I was so relieved and I picked up my pace.  Finally I saw where the finish line was and pretty much sprinted (as much as I can sprint) to it!  I was greeted by volunteers and received a medal, a carry bag with random items, and a bottle of water (thank goodness).

Steph finished in 34 minutes and I am very proud of her- I never did a 34 minute 5K when I was in the best of shape and FAR skinnier.  (is also jealous)

I did try to take some pics along the way..... Some of my pics are dark, and I do apologize.

running past the statues at George Square

Idk LOL

interesting 

architecture

Bridge and the River Clyde

Greenhouse/Cafe on Glasgow Green

Fountain at People's Palace

People's Palace

more info on the fountain

I love this fountain!

View across the way

Look it's the fountain again!

I do wish I had gotten pics of us before or after the race but that didn't happen.  Oops.  I was very glad when it was over and I could sit down for a few and use my inhaler.  We had a bit of a hard time meeting up, but we did find each other in the sea of pink, and headed off to find food.  I was STARVING.  This is probably the first race I've ever done where I was so hungry after.

We made our way away from the Green and back through Merchant City and St. Enoch where we got the subway back to Hillhead and headed to Little Italy for pizza (to make up for all the calories I lost!).  The pizza was great and so was the cappuccino.  We stopped at a few shops on the way back, and then headed home, where I hit the showers.

We must have walked (and run) at least 5.5-6 miles in all today. (I turned off the timers/trackers after leaving the Green)  Not bad!

My legs are a little sore, and I am tired.  I hope for my next 5K I am not sick, and I weigh considerably less.

How was your weekend?  Did you run in any races?

Sunday's workout

Today was supposed to be a practice dry run for my upcoming 5K.   It was not very promising.  I had got 5 minutes in my walk to the park and my hip was killing.  I tried stretching and all sorts of movement to get it to feel right, and I could just not get it aligned.

View of University of Glasgow from within Kelvingrove Park

Once I got to the park and began the running portion, it was not good.  I managed 1.5/4 out of the running portions of week 3 day 1 of C25K.  Granted I have not run outside in about a year and all the running I have been doing over the past 2-3 weeks has been on the treadmill, but I know I will be walking most of Sunday's 5K.

It will be so much easier if I can lose weight (quickly) and keep it off to run, and to do anything.

Tomorrow's workout is a pilates class and either walking or biking.  I also need to start to figure out a way to get to the gym once this bus pass runs out.  The bus pass costs more than the gym membership!

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Total mileage today: 5.79 miles

All about me

After participating in last night's #fitblog on twitter (hosted beautifully by Skinny Emmie!) I got a ton of new followers.  Hopefully this will translate to new followers and commenters here!  So I figured I would post an about me.  If you know me, feel free to move along.

I don't know where to begin really.  I was born and raised in MA, USA.  Up until last September, I lived in Boston as a substitute teacher.  (I'm a licensed teacher in MA, in elementary education- but there are few jobs.) I am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland getting my second Masters in education.  I will be spending the summer working on my dissertation on school bullying.

I've applied to the PhD program here and am waiting on finding out if I've been accepted.  If so,  I will be researching bullying and its effects on upper primary grade children.  If I am not accepted, I will be having a nervous breakdown figuring out what I am going to do come September.

I've always been overweight.  In 1999 I started working out and eating better (and a lot less) and lost 85 pounds.  I didn't keep up the healthy lifestyle for a variety of reasons and over the past 10 years have gained all the weight back.

I tried several different diets, and in 2003 I went on Optifast.  I got really ill on this diet and didn't lose much weight at all (~10lbs), despite eating less than 900 calories a day and running 3 days a week.  Since then I have suffered from severe daily headaches that can leave me bedridden and miserable.  I have had countless tests and have seen 5 different neurologists.  The diagnoses range from chronic daily headache syndrome to chronic daily migraines.  Not one of the 5 doctors have had a definitive diagnosis or agreed with one another. It is frustrating, but I try to manage as best as I can.

Earlier last year I had been doing a lot better weight wise and right before I had breast reduction surgery in July.  After moving to Scotland and then losing my mum earlier this year, I've managed to gain a lot of weight despite trying various diet plans and recently going back to the gym.  I am assuming that this has to do with me eating my emotions and not dealing with how I am feeling over moving and losing my mum.  I mostly think I really like food and eating it- I just need to re-learn how to do it in moderation and not lose control.

Right now I am trying to get back into regular workouts as I love how it makes me feel (especially spinning), but I have a hard time staying motivated when I don't see any results.  (I know I shouldn't expect to see a lot of results in 2 weeks, but I had hoped to have found I hadn't *gained* even more weight.)

Questions?  Comments?  Fire away!

Not myself

I'm not feeling like myself today.  I haven't really felt like myself since we came back from London.  Even though my feet hurt, I had a lot of energy and felt good.  Recently, I just feel tired and sluggish and blah and whatnot.  I think it may have to do with the fact I'm out of my vitamin D supplement.

I think I am going to have to find a new and better GP if I am planning on staying here longer.  The last time I went and had my ankle looked at, about 30 seconds was spent on examination.  It just made me feel dismissed, like my issue wasn't real.

Anyways, I just feel blah.  Not depressed (well not anymore than usual), not anxious, just blah.  Maybe it is the weather, since it has been raining for what seems like forever now.  It rains, we get a bit of sun, it rains.  Repeat.

So I have no idea.  I'm excited to work out, but can't get the motivation to do it.  I have things I need to do and people to call etc, and can't "find the time."  I just wish I was at the point where everything came easy; healthy living and eating and working out and working on my dissertation.  Someday, some day soon I hope.

Today I had some me time and got my nails done and then I met Steph for lunch.  We walked around a bit after and then we came back and I ran a load of laundry and took a nap.  I meant to only sleep for a bit but it ended up being way longer than I wanted and missed spinning.  :(  Bad Cindy.

I also took a few photos of some of the damage that occurred in our neighborhood from the ridic winds here yesterday.  Not that it even makes any comparison to what has happened in the US, but it was crazy what some wind can do.

Tomorrow is a new day- hopefully with better choices.

Busy, wild weather Monday

If I were in Boston I could say there is quite a Nor'easter out there.  But I am in Glasgow.....and it is WINDY.  I mean 70mph gusts windy.  The plants in the windows are waving to and fro it is that windy.

Today started off ok.  I got my new Polar FT7 in the mail!  :)  It's the male version so it is kind of bulky and I could have sworn I selected the F version, but whatever.  It is great and has lots of functions that my old one doesn't.

After I watched L&O: CI I took it on a trial run at the gym.  I went at what I thought would have been a good time but I was wrong.  Even at 12:30ish it was busy and the 2 Espinners were out of service.  Combine that with the fact I was hungry and I ended up with a crappy workout.

I grabbed a sandwich at the gym cafe and then met Steph for coffee.  I nearly got blown away waiting for the bus!

We then went to St. Enoch to run some errands and to go to 3 to see if we could get her an iPhone (which we did!)  :)  We walked around a bit and I am glad I didn't have too much of a hard core work out since I wouldn't have had much energy to walk around in the wind and rain!    (I have no idea why that photo won't show up right side up!)






Anyways, I hope tomorrow will be a better workout day.

Yesterday/today catchup

1. Workout- I had no desire to do anything yesterday but I needed to pick up my prescription at uni, so I had to go out.  I walked to uni and then got the bus to the gym.

I did about 25 mins of upper body and then C25K.  I was VERY sweaty at the end.  I wanted to spin some but both bikes were being used and the class was full so I walked to the bus and then headed home.  Not bad.  :)

I ordered a new Polar HRM that is more up to date and will help me better train.  I can't wait to get my Polar FT7 HRM!


2. Grad school-I did meet with my professor on Thursday and he was totally fine that I hadn't gotten very far.  We discussed some changes and I will be making for the paper and what else needs to be done.  I also ran into some of my classmates and they hadn't done anything really either, so I don't feel bad or behind anymore.  So I have 20,000 words to write for it.  Good times.  I have a TON of research done already.  Just need to read it all.

3. Stephanie finished a big paper yesterday so we went out for dinner.  I had grilled chicken and it came with a grilled veggie tart.  It was delish.  I also had some chips- b/c the chips at the Curler's Rest are so delish.  And as a treat we had ice cream at the only Coldstone in Glasgow.  I had tiramisu.  Yum.   :)

4.  Today it's raining.  It's miserable out and I have no desire to go out in it.  I did walk a quick 2 miles to Boots and back to get my prescription and some coffee.  My ankle is really tender today so staying off it seems like a good idea.  Tomorrow I booked into a Body Pump class and that should be a good workout.

As for the rest of today- Doctor Who at 6:45 and some reading.  A nice, quiet, lazy day.

In which another day passes and nothing gets accomplished

I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow regarding my dissertation.  We met when I got back from the US after my mom died.  That was about 2 months ago.  In that time, I had 2 other papers to write, and I took a holiday.  I have done some research on my dissertation.  In fact I spent 2 days at the library looking up books and journal articles.  (Not that I have actually *read* them.)

I honestly have no idea what I am doing.  I found a template online to assist me in writing, but I am not really sure what I am supposed to be writing.  I mean do I just go all in and do this- or is there some sort of formulaic way- like the way a Law and Order episode is drawn out?   I hope my advisor isn't pissed that I have no idea what I am doing- I just felt really foolish asking at this point in the academic year.  (I've never had to write such a paper for my previous degrees so......)

So I am stressed and not feeling 100% and didn't work out again today and this isn't good since I had been doing so well.  I am going to the gym right after my meeting with my advisor in the morning to get it out of the way.

I also need to go to the public library and pick up a book.  I found a book group that meets in a coffee shop I love, and I really need to do something that isn't my dissertation this summer.

Oh!  And the one thing I did actually get done today (besides watching Timelash) was to book my mini trip to London to see INXS in June.  I am taking the overnight bus (cheap) and staying one night in London, and then busing back the night of the show.  It sucks and I will be tired but it is the cheapest option.  (I'd rather have the money for when we go see MAAN later in June!!!!)

Sorry if this is a totally random post- I'm not focusing at the moment.

Oh, and if you are reading this, please take a moment to say "hi" in the comments.  I <3 comments.

Ok I am really going to sign off this post and get work done.  Really.

Anxiety ridden

I woke up this morning filled with anxiety.  I am so worried about the next few months and what exactly is going to happen.

1.  I have applied for my PhD.  So I either get accepted or not.  I've already been preliminarily approved for funding via loans (so that is good).

1a.  If I get accepted, then all is well, and the anxiety will be over.  Other than writing 70 billion words over the next 3 years.

1b.  If I don't......then what.  I obviously have 3 options.

      2a.  Stay here in Glasgow and find a job (hopefully).  I can stay 2 years on my student visa if I find employment, which may not be easy.  It would also give me a chance to apply to other schools if I decided to go that route.

      2b.  Apply into a teach in the UK/Scotland program (not sure if I would be eligible, since I already have a teaching licence and experience- I need to go to career services and find out).

     2c.  Go back to the US.  If this is the only option, I have no idea what I am going to do.  I don't even know if I will have enough money for a plane ticket home, never mind finding a place to live, a job, etc.  This is my biggest fear b/c if I go back to the US, well...... I don't even know if I can find employment nor will I be eligible for any unemployment, etc as far as I know.  Which means I would probably have less than $100 and that certainly won't last very long.

Granted I should have thought about this a year ago, but I would be in the same position if I still wasn't working or employed full time (last year I was substitute teaching due to the lack of jobs).  I am sure I could get my p/t job back, but that would mean living in or as close to Boston as possible so I could work the p/t job and that is just 3 hours on a Saturday.

*sigh*

I know worrying doesn't help, but these are the realities I am facing.  I just really hope this all works out.

Saturday's workout

I had a great workout on Saturday.  I did weights for 20 minutes (upper body), 30 minutes on the elliptical, and then another half hour on the treadmill doing C25K. 

The C25K was the hardest by far.  My ankle/foot was not happy about it, and it being the end of the workout, I was getting tired.  At the end as I cooled down, I had taken off my headphones.  I was feeling grumpy and frustrated over how difficult I found doing C25K.  And playing at the gym was the song that had been my mom's ringback tone.  And suddenly I felt a lot better.  :) 

I hope that I will have improved a lot by the time my first 5K comes about on 5th June.  Stephanie and I are doing the Race for Life.  If you are so inclined you can sponsor us here. 

Today is being spent at the library working on my dissertation and research.  My ankle needs the day off. 

How have you gotten  your workout on this weekend?  Are you running any races soon?

And my fellow Whovians, what did you think of The Doctor's Wife?  I thought it was brilliant and the best episode since the Tennant years!

A grown up approach

I read a lot of blogs. Today's post by Bitch Cakes, really hit home, like a lot of blog entries sometimes do not. She talked about encountering and facing her childhood bully.

Now like many people out there who were "different," I was bullied, teased and made fun of. As a kid and teen, I was overweight, didn't have the right clothes, didn't know how to talk to others, and was pretty much a social recluse, to anyone other than my closest friends. I was an easy target, and I fell for it every time. I was miserable.

One day in 8th grade a group of girls who I considered friends left me a note at the lunch table we sat at telling me to go away, (in various languages) and said they had no more use for me. I was devastated. I fell into a deep depression. I didn't want to go to school, and was all but truant. When I went to school, I hid in the bathroom at lunchtime b/c I was scared, lonely, and ashamed. I even tried to commit suicide I was so upset and alone.

In the end I was caught hiding in the bathroom, things changed, I made new friends, and I grew to care less about what people thought of me, or at least pretended to on the outside.

But Bitch Cake's post made me think about my response to all of this and how I've plotted revenge over the years on the ringleader of the entire incident, of how I've wanted to even the score of those who hurt my feelings and made me a laughingstock later on in high school.

But now, a little part of me makes me wonder if that is worth it? I am sure I am have more education than all of them now (being on my second Masters and all and thinking of pursing my PhD.) While I may not have a husband and kids and a white picket fence, I do have something now, that they can't take away. And that is something to think about.

Update

I've merged my 2 blogs here to this location. It was getting silly trying to have 2 blogs and keep them separate, when it is my life and my life isn't divided into 2 pages.

Yesterday we walked a lot and picked up a few things and saw a rainbow.



I also got a paper back with a VERY bad grade. Very bad to the point it could put my graduating in jeopardy. I am not sure what the passing grade level is for the overall class and I can't seem to find that information on line. I may have to resubmit it, but even then, even if I got bumped up a letter I am not sure that would change the over all grade enough. I know it is my own fault. I totally blew through that paper and I was upset and worried about my mum. I also found that class a complete waste of time and that didn't really help my attitude toward the paper. I need to contact the professor and ask what the next step should be. (it also doesn't help that there isn't exactly a shit ton of research on what I wrote on either) I also gave my very frank opinion on the class and how I found it kind of a waste of time. I am not going to be all nice, if I feel that it doesn't serve its purpose.

Today I have my massage w/ R, and then I need to get a fair amount done on my Columbine paper. That is due in less than a week and I am about half way done.

Also Dice-K? WTF. :(

Catch up

The Red Sox won the home opener against the MFY! I do not think my neighbors appreciated my singing "Tessie" at the top of my lungs when it was over, however.

I am working on a 4k word paper. It's on Columbine, so I have been voraciously reading books and articles on the subject. So much to absorb.

It is going to be 66 here in Glasgow tomorrow! I can't wait! We are hitting the farmer's market! There will be pics! Nails will be done hopefully and then a lovely walk before I get back to working on this paper.

Have a great weekend!

How am I supposed to feel?

I am so full of a litany of emotions lately. I have no idea how I am supposed to feel. What were those 5 stages of grief House gave to Cameron? (not that I relate to Cameron at all but I kind of did then.) I think I am somewhere between anger and depression. IDK.

I feel lonely and isolated and filled with regret. No one seems to be talking to me, it seems. I don't know if it is because people do not know what to say to me, or feel that I made a mistake in not going back home for the funeral, that I am a bad daughter/sister/friend/anything under the sun.

I don't know if I making the right decisions anymore. I don't know anything anymore.


I don't even know how I'm supposed feel anymore. I didn't expect to feel so empty.