I have a secret

Not only do I have a fabulous change to share very soon, but I also have a secret.   I really want to tell, but I'm afraid it may be too good to be true, so I am going to hang on to it just a little bit more.

I met with my advisor today.  He is pleased with my dissertation so far.   *phew*   I need to add a lot to my intro, and my chapters on policy, and add a total new one (that I will now have to research!) but it's all good.  He said I do not need 2 weeks to print and bind, so I have the rest of this month to get it done.  *double phew*  He even said to take the weekend off!  HAHAHAHAHA as if!  I did take the rest of today off to do household chores like cleaning, vaccumming, dishes, laundry, etc, and to take a glorious nap.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I was worried about oversleeping the alarm!


As I was cleaning and putting things away I managed to break my dresser.  

Who manages this?

WTF?

So now I have a pile of clothes on the floor, and no glue or tools to fix it.  *sigh*









I'm going to go read something unrelated to my research and relax.


What do you think my secret is?

True Confessions Tuesday

Please do not read if you are offended by the liberal use of the f word (and all its cognates) or if you don't want to read about my screw ups and probably my terrible spelling b/c I am typing in a rage.

1.  I think I totally fucked up my dissertation.  I've never written one before and I was given no real guidelinews- I was told just to do it.  Well that is what I did.  And I have been writing it like an essay- actually more like how the book I hope to write using this as background would go.  Which apparently thanks to Steph and her finding a book on writing a dissertation, (PHEW) IS WRONG.

I'm supposed to have a research question and a method.  Well you see, after I came back from ther states there wasn't time to get my research approved, so I have just been doing it as an essay, not with the planned way I had with the research and the bunnies and everything.  (Ok no bunnies, but whatever). 

So now I need to figure out if I can salvage the 10K words I have written without having to start over when I have about a week, 2 at the most to finish. 

Of course my advisor is away until Friday.  FML.

2.  The above is all my fault.  I just have had such a hard time getting back in to it..since I came back from the states...and I just want to cry and yell and scream because I am very fucking angry.  I fucking miss her and I hate this and everything.  It is not fucking fair.  And before you ask, I have talked to someone, 2 someones in fact and it didn't help.  I am sorry but there is no in your time of need angel sitting on my fucking shoulder right now.  I think that is a load of bollocks- no disrespect to those of you who believe that, but I don't see it. 

3.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I have no idea what is going to happeb after this dissertation- if I can pull it off and get the degree and get into the PhD program.  Good.  Brilliant. Fantastic.  But if not....well I am not sure I even *passed* one of the classes b/c of the way the things are graded here, I just don't get.....

4.  I suck at asking for help.  I'm almost 36.  I should GET it by now.  I should be independent and have it down.  But I still manage to fuck it up- mainly b/c I don't know how to ask for help. 

5.  I'm terrified of what will happen if I have to go home.  I know I have talked about this before but where am I going to go?  What am I going to do?  Will I be able to find a job?

6.  I have sucked at eating well, drinking water, and haven't gone to the gym in ages.

7.  I haven't even had time to write about how I met David Tennant and how he is soft and smells like heaven, which sums it up really.

8.  Lastly, it would really be great if fucking grandpa would shut the fuck up about certain people.  No one wants to hear you shoot your gob off.  And now you are ruining one of my favourite shows.  NO LOVE.- me.

Failure to communicate

I know many of you bloggers and readers out there (especially bloggers) have tied your careers in with your blog.  But what happens when something happens that makes you wonder if you are in the right field at all?

I've always been more book smart than social smart.  It's a no brainer.  I did REALLY well in my first Master's program.  I had a 3.75, and my lowest grade was a B+ and that was one class.  All my other classes were A or A-.

Now here in Glasgow, my grades are not remotely close to being where they were back home.  In fact I got a paper back today that pretty much ripped me a new one, told me I didn't understand the author, and so on.  (Which is interesting b/c I used the same argument in my first paper and did really well.)   I also wrote the paper in 2 days, not having realized it was due.  I was not really with it at the time with having just arrived back from the states and all of the heartache that those few weeks brought.

It is making me really question whether or not I am going to do well with my dissertation, and especially if I am even going to get into the PhD program.  And if I do get in, have I set myself up to fail already?  I know I should be using this as an opportunity for growth, but right now, I need to know if this is as good as I am going to get academically, and if I should just go back to what (I think) I'm good at.

In the end I know I will be ok if I am not accepted.  I can still use my dissertation as a jumping off point to write a book or paper on bullying if I choose to.   On the other hand, I was kind of getting excited to have those extra letters after my name.....

Have any of you ever experienced work challenges like this?

Fitblog from June 7th

I'm still blog catchup from last week when I was sick.

Q1. What current thought keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

I feel currently like I am a failure.  I'm at my highest weight.  I can't seem to get on a routine.  Even when I am working out and eating well, I am not losing weight.  I have been to doctors and all they tell me is to keep trying, that there is nothing wrong with me.  Maybe there isn't but it doesn't make me any less frustrated when just going up stairs makes me want to collapse.

Q2. What current action/habit keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

"Not having time."  I am post grad student trying to finish my dissertation so I spend a lot of time doing research and writing.  I also can't seem to get out of bed most days before noon.  Both these things are keeping me from being on a "normal" schedule.

Q3. What do you need to change that action? How can we help?

I need to find a way to reset my sleep schedule, get myself up earlier, always  have healthy options in place (or to be on some sort of plan be it Tony Ferguson, SlimFast or low carb as I seem to work better when I am on a restrictive plan- even if it is isn't 100% reasonable long term.  That was how I lost 85 lbs before, and it looks like I am the kind of person who needs to be all or nothing.  I guess I need assistance in figuring what plan would be best for me, and having someone to help me implement and stay on track.  Having comments and people rooting for me also would help.

Q4. What one feat/challenge (big or small) will you try/do/work towards this month?

I will try to drink 100oz of water per day.  That is a goal I can easily achieve.

Catch up Friday

I've been feeling so miserable the past few days I haven't done much of anything.  I feel a tiny bit better today and finally feel hungry, so hopefully whatever this is is finally leaving my system.  It also may explain why the practice 5K I did on Sunday was so miserable and I had no energy.  It did help me to lose 3 pounds!  


1.  I did manage to go to Pilates on Tuesday which kicked my ass.  That is the only formal workout I've had this week and may be the only one until Sunday.  It sucks, but when I'm sick and feeling achy and miserable the last thing I want to do is exercise.  


2.  #Fitblog chat.  Since I am in Glasgow, this means the chats are at 3am for me.  I sometimes am awake, but this week, being under the weather, I was asleep.  Here are my responses.

Q1) 75% give up on New Year's Resolutions within weeks. Let's discuss our goals for the second half of the year and how we plan to stick to them.


-keep going to the gym as much as I can while writing my dissertation 
-don't give into temptation for take out b/c it is easier and means I don't have to do the dishes
-eat more whole grains
I plan to do this, by just DOING it, and not saying I am going to do it.


Q2) What are your goals for the rest of the year?
-lose a minimum of 20 lbs
-go to the gym/workout a minimum of 3 times/ week
-finish dissertation without losing my mind


Q3) How do you set goals?
I set goals by looking at my current habits and finding ways that I can change them positively.


Q4) What resources do you use to help you stick to your goals
Other blogs, health and fitness magazines, tracking my weight and activity and looking for trends.


3.  Goals for this weekend?
-feel better, do as best as I can do on the 5K, and read for my dissertation


What are your weekend plans?

Not myself

I'm not feeling like myself today.  I haven't really felt like myself since we came back from London.  Even though my feet hurt, I had a lot of energy and felt good.  Recently, I just feel tired and sluggish and blah and whatnot.  I think it may have to do with the fact I'm out of my vitamin D supplement.

I think I am going to have to find a new and better GP if I am planning on staying here longer.  The last time I went and had my ankle looked at, about 30 seconds was spent on examination.  It just made me feel dismissed, like my issue wasn't real.

Anyways, I just feel blah.  Not depressed (well not anymore than usual), not anxious, just blah.  Maybe it is the weather, since it has been raining for what seems like forever now.  It rains, we get a bit of sun, it rains.  Repeat.

So I have no idea.  I'm excited to work out, but can't get the motivation to do it.  I have things I need to do and people to call etc, and can't "find the time."  I just wish I was at the point where everything came easy; healthy living and eating and working out and working on my dissertation.  Someday, some day soon I hope.

Today I had some me time and got my nails done and then I met Steph for lunch.  We walked around a bit after and then we came back and I ran a load of laundry and took a nap.  I meant to only sleep for a bit but it ended up being way longer than I wanted and missed spinning.  :(  Bad Cindy.

I also took a few photos of some of the damage that occurred in our neighborhood from the ridic winds here yesterday.  Not that it even makes any comparison to what has happened in the US, but it was crazy what some wind can do.

Tomorrow is a new day- hopefully with better choices.

another week gone

and another 2lbs up.  :(  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.

The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me.  I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can't be bothered to put on a mask.  I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.

I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.

Living sucks.  I don't know how to do it anymore.  I don 't know how to cope.  I don't know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.

I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum.....  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

Bleurg

Bleurg.  This weight loss and exercise keeps getting derailed.  First, my shoulder (which still isn't back to normal), my ankle (which is starting to get better), and my never ending headaches.

My weight is up again- only a pound, but still.  I have now gained 30 pounds since my surgery in July.  NOT THE RIGHT WAY AROUND.

I'm trying a few things out to see if it helps.  I am starting to taper off on some of my meds to see if they are affecting my weight gain.  We got a stability ball and a mini trampoline that I can use at home.  I downloaded some Tae Bo and I am going to try to get to a spinning class this week.  I am walking more, as much as my ankle will let me- as it heals.

I would really like to be down to 200 by the end of the month- which is not likely to happen but I would like it before I go to London- to look and feel better about myself.

There is more to healthy than what is on the scale

While I find myself obsessing over the number all the time, I know there are other things I can do to help get me/keep me healthy.  Today I tackled one of them.

I went to the dentist.

Now, I hate the dentist.  I didn't really go much as a kid, and as an adult, once I had insurance I was there all the time making up for 15 years + of lost time.  Then in my early 20's I got braces to fully take care of my very damaged and crooked teeth.

Since then they have been ok, a few cavities here and there.  But when I lost full time employment in MA, I lost dental coverage.  So I hadn't been to the dentist in about 2 years.  I just couldn't afford the $60 + for cleanings, not to mention what fillings would cost out of pocket.

I had a consult and some xrays today and found that in one of my upper teeth there needs to be a major filling replacement.  It's loose and grimy and it is an issue I have had with this tooth before, so it is no surprise.   They are also going to fix my very chipped tooth in front, so finally after 7-8 years without braces, that last bit will be complete.   They are also offering a teeth whitening special, but there is no way I can afford it.  I can hardly afford the treatment I have to have now (169 quid!) but I can tell that the fillings are loose and need to be replaced ASAP before I have more problems.

Tomorrow's health adventure is my neuro consult (finally).  I got on the phone and called them today asking why I hadn't been contacted yet, and they had an opening for tomorrow, so I grabbed it.  Hopefully, whoever I see can fix this 4 year long headache, or at the very least, give me some good drugs.  ;)

Let's hope I can also get in touch with the physio people so I can have my shoulder professionally evaluated as well, so working out is easier, and far less painful.

Weigh in #1

Today was my first weigh in.  I lost 1 pound.  :(  I had hoped it would be more.

I am doing ok with the WW points.  I ate all the weekly points, but not all of the exercise points as I was not sure if I was making 100% entries since some things weren't on the lists and I didn't always have the calorie info.  Funny, after I entered my weight today, the online system told me I had one less point to eat per day now.

I feel like this will take forever, as WW has me ending up between 7-9 stone as a final weight.  *sigh*

Hopefully next week will be better.

I went to the gym twice, and took a long walk, and another long walk today.   We walked down Byres road, through the Arboretum, and then back up along Great Western Road and then through campus and back home.

Some pics from today's walk:

[gallery]

medical update

Tomorrow it will be six months since my breast reduction.  Scary.  They have healed nicely- some scarring, but I was never worried about that.  They are bigger than I hoped, but I hope some of that can be taken care of with exercise.

I went to the physio open house re: my shoulder today.  I am on the wait list for an assessment and a final determination as to whether or not this is frozen shoulder.    I have all the criteria.  So I have to wait on that.

My foot still isn't any better even with inserts and wearing trainers instead of fun boots.  *eyeroll*   I will give it another few days and then contact the GP and be like ok, this has gone on long enough.

Still waiting for neuro consult.  *eyeroll*

Weight so far this week is stable.  Yesterday sucked eating wise b/c I overslept and didn't have time to make anything (not that I had food to make) and had fast-ish food and then by the time I got home from school I was starving and then we fell asleep and ended up getting Chinese takeout.  Mine is noodles and veggies and of course they didn't listen to NO SAUCE AT ALL and did add it so I had to wash it all off as best as I can, take a ton of antihistamines and hoped for the best.

Right now all I want is a nap

Long time update

It's been a while since I have updated.  Whoa.

I'm still in the 180's.  I was 188 the other day; the lowest I have seen was 186.

I am fitting in a 10-12.  My clothes are definitely fitting better.  I had a top on today that usually gapes, and did not.  

I have been working out more, walking and finally getting back to the gym.

Sunday:  32 mins on the treadmill as part of the couch to 5K plan and then another half hour or so on the cybex
Monday:  Walked in and out of Coolidge corner, about 3-4 miles of walking
Tuesday: 40 mins on the elliptical [would have been longer, but time was short today]

I'm trying to eat less, get more protein and fiber.  Some days are better than others.  Working has kept me busy and I think that has a lot to do why I have been able to lose some weight.  Also more coffee LOL.  

I hope to be able to keep this up and lose more weight by the end of the school year.  I would be happy to get to 180 by then, since I lose weight so slowly with the PCOS and the headaches and whatnot.  I will take what I can get.  

EDIT:  Also when I was at work on Saturday I was asked how much I weigh- over 200?  I said no, and the kid was like what 199?  I joked it off but I was kind of ticked off.  *sigh*

September wrap up and a look forward to October

I exercised 16/30 days this month.  Definately could have been better.  The number may be higher since I missed a few days logging here so it could be as high as 18 or 19.

I took new classes (pilates reformer, yoga, burn).  I've been spinning at least once a week.  I've been weight training.  I've been burning insane calories when I have been working out and I always feel good after.  Having a hot tub to soak in after is also key in motivating me to go.   It feels amazing and helps me relax and recover quicker IMO.

I hope this month is better workout wise.  My goal is to work out 5 days a week minimum, which would give me 25 days of working out.  I also hope to see the scale move DOWN not up.   My goal was to lose 10 pounds by my birthday which would have got me to 190.  Now I will settle for there not being a 2 at the front of the number.   The number has ranged from 203-206 this week.  :(

I just want to be back where I was before the pill.  At one point I even got down to 189.  That seems like forever ago.  I really hope it is lower by the time I see the dr on the 16th.  I want to have SOME progress.  I know it can be done.  But even if I eat more or less or exactly right nothing seems to change.  

So juice fast this weekend to boost me and then perhaps starting to count points to make sure I am eating the right amount of calories and I find points easier to count than calorie counts of every morsel.  Especially since the things I eat the most frewuent I already know the point value.  

The good thing about having NO money is that I can't just run out and get crap to eat when I have a craving.  It also means I can't run out and get milk, fruit and veggies and yougurt when I need them.  This is going to be a hard month since it is the first month on just unemployment.