Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts

09 July 2011

Commence freak out . . . .NOW

I have a lot on my plate right now.  I need to finish my dissertation.  I'm waiting to hear if I got into the PhD program.  Right there, is enough.  What I don't need is the added stress, is that I'm almost out of money.

I knew living on student loans wasn't going to be easy.  But I also didn't expect the added financial strain of having to replace things b/c my flat was broken into.  Hence, the money I would have still had and needed, and everything would have been perfect as punch.

But no.  

So I now need to weed through my belongings and see what I can sell, pawn, and whatnot, so I can pay my rent and utilities for August.  At least I have a good 2+ weeks to figure this out.  

And let's hope I get into that PhD program, b/c I certainly don't have any money for a flight back to the US. :/

05 July 2011

True Confessions Tuesday

Please do not read if you are offended by the liberal use of the f word (and all its cognates) or if you don't want to read about my screw ups and probably my terrible spelling b/c I am typing in a rage.

1.  I think I totally fucked up my dissertation.  I've never written one before and I was given no real guidelinews- I was told just to do it.  Well that is what I did.  And I have been writing it like an essay- actually more like how the book I hope to write using this as background would go.  Which apparently thanks to Steph and her finding a book on writing a dissertation, (PHEW) IS WRONG.

I'm supposed to have a research question and a method.  Well you see, after I came back from ther states there wasn't time to get my research approved, so I have just been doing it as an essay, not with the planned way I had with the research and the bunnies and everything.  (Ok no bunnies, but whatever). 

So now I need to figure out if I can salvage the 10K words I have written without having to start over when I have about a week, 2 at the most to finish. 

Of course my advisor is away until Friday.  FML.

2.  The above is all my fault.  I just have had such a hard time getting back in to it..since I came back from the states...and I just want to cry and yell and scream because I am very fucking angry.  I fucking miss her and I hate this and everything.  It is not fucking fair.  And before you ask, I have talked to someone, 2 someones in fact and it didn't help.  I am sorry but there is no in your time of need angel sitting on my fucking shoulder right now.  I think that is a load of bollocks- no disrespect to those of you who believe that, but I don't see it. 

3.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I have no idea what is going to happeb after this dissertation- if I can pull it off and get the degree and get into the PhD program.  Good.  Brilliant. Fantastic.  But if not....well I am not sure I even *passed* one of the classes b/c of the way the things are graded here, I just don't get.....

4.  I suck at asking for help.  I'm almost 36.  I should GET it by now.  I should be independent and have it down.  But I still manage to fuck it up- mainly b/c I don't know how to ask for help. 

5.  I'm terrified of what will happen if I have to go home.  I know I have talked about this before but where am I going to go?  What am I going to do?  Will I be able to find a job?

6.  I have sucked at eating well, drinking water, and haven't gone to the gym in ages.

7.  I haven't even had time to write about how I met David Tennant and how he is soft and smells like heaven, which sums it up really.

8.  Lastly, it would really be great if fucking grandpa would shut the fuck up about certain people.  No one wants to hear you shoot your gob off.  And now you are ruining one of my favourite shows.  NO LOVE.- me.

24 June 2011

The Power of Positive Thinking?

Anyone who knows me, or who reads this blog for that matter (which is probably why I don't get many comments) knows or has read that I am a glass is half empty kinda gal.  I am always negative.  Nothing is every right.  Nothing ever goes right.  I'm a mess, a disaster, and nothing good ever happens to me. 

I certainly feel that way right now.  This year has sucked so far.  I've had health issues.  My mum has died.  I've had academic issues.  My flat has been robbed, and belongings stolen.  I can't lose weight.  I was sick for over  a month.  I went to London and got spat on.  I could go on.

So while I am very aware of how negative I am, I wonder how much of this is the fault of negative thinking?  I mean I am sure I didn't have a cold/infection/whatever for a month + because I was upset about being ill.  I am sure my flat wasn't burgled because I am down on myself all the time, right? 

My question is, is that if I were more positive, would things go right?  Would finishing my dissertation be a breeze?  Will I meet David Tennant next week?  Will I get into the PhD programme or get a fab job offer?  Will I suddenly lose 20 pounds and get rid of this headache I've had for 5 years? 

Because I will be honest.  I am starting to panic.  My dissertation is due on 3 August.  (I had no idea what the due date was b/c I didn't see the attachment I was sent before today and I really thought I had more time.)  I still don't know what the deal will be with the PhD programme.  I was under the impression that all the document were received based on an email I received but I checked the online checker thing and it said it was on hold waiting for documents.  And if I don't get in, how am I going to get home?  Will I have a place to live, a job, anything?  I am really in a panic here.  People always say things will work out, but I don't want to go back home and be homeless and have nothing at all. 

So do I think positively and get on with it or do I keep with my negative (but realistic as I always thought) ways?  And that way I will be pleased when the outcome is positive, but not disappointed if it isn't. 


Ok.  Procrastination over.

13 June 2011

A weekend of highs and lows (sorry it's long!)

This weekend was really awesome in some ways, and absolutely horrendous in others. I hope I can do justice in documenting it.


Thursday night: 
Steph and I took the overnight bus from Glasgow to London.  Let me warn you, folks.  Not a good idea.  While very cheap, it SUCKS.  We had hoped to spread out (like everyone else) but ended up having to sit together, which while fine, it just meant neither of us had much room.   It also meant I didn't sleep.  At all.  The bus itself was noisy, it was too light (for me), and the seats were uncomfortable.  The only good thing was the wi-fi.  Finally at 4ish I gave up trying to rest and listened to the Red Sox rout the Yankees, which gave me enough adrenaline to function once we arrived in London.


Friday: 
Once we arrived we set up camp in a Starbucks for a while (waiting for the commuter rush to be over) and had coffee and breakfast.  The pancakes were pretty good, IMO.  We hung out there for a while and then got on the Tube and headed to Leicester Square.  We walked around a bit, and then got more coffee at Costa and figured out the rest of the day.

We then got the tube and a train to Crystal Palace, where our hotel was.  Now, google maps really fucked up on this one and had us walk this RIDICULOUS way to the hotel up 2 massive hills where I was actually convinced I was going to have a heart attack and die.  My ankle was killing, I was starving, and I was walking up this hill that was insane.  And did I mention it was raining and I am carrying a heavy backpack?

We finally got to the hotel (early) and sat waiting for the room to be ready.  Finally, it was- all I wanted to do was sleep.  I didn't care that the restaurant that was advertised to be a part of the hotel didn't exist.  I just wanted to sleep.  I did just that. 

2 hours and change later, Steph woke me up.  Now, at this point, I really wish I had just told her to go on without me.  I was that tired.  (and in hindsight I wish I had).  I finally dragged myself into the shower and got ready.  We found an easier way to walk back to the train station and on the way stopped at a restaurant called the Grape and the Grain.  I had a falafel sandwich, and it was really, really good.  I was starving at that point and was planning on stopping at the first place we saw, I just needed to eat as it was a long time since those pancakes. 





We ate and then headed to the train station and took the train back into the city to go back into Leicester square.  It was our plan to wait for David Tennant and Catherine Tate after the evening performance of Much Ado.... (this was the backup plan in case when we see them later in the month that we had a chance for autographs).  When we got there the barriers were up, but no one was out waiting yet, so we figured we had some time to kill.  We wandered around and went to Amorino for gelato (the best gelato in the world IMO)


It was raining, so after the gelato, we found refuge in little shops, trying to stay dry.  It was at this point I began to get very panicked and nervous.  I have issues with social anxiety, which I think was the main contribution to being so panicked, and being exhausted- also a trigger.  When we arrived back at the barrier, Steph was so excited, I knew I couldn't ruin this for her, so I said I would just wait for her away from the theatre....

I paced around for a bit, and then decided so I went to get a coffee across from the theatre.  I ordered from the take away menu, but they had me sit down and they'd bring me my coffee.  They did and asked me to pay.  Now the menu said £1.80 and they now told me it was £2.70.  I explained I had asked for take away as I didn't have the £2.70 ( I had £2.66) and they didn't take cards either.  So the waitress went away to ask about it and came back and told me that they would have to take the coffee away and told me I needed to leave immediately.  (So they would rather lose 4 pence than put the coffee in a take away cup and give it to me?)  Humiliated, I walked away.  What I didn't know, was that this wouldn't be the most humiliating part of my evening yet.

I walked around back to the front of the theatre, but across the street to wait.  A group of quite possibly very drunk people came up to me and shoved me into the grate behind me, and walked away laughing.  Not much later, some random guy walked past me, said "fat bitch," and spit on me.  (Luckily I had a napkin in my pocket.)  I was humiliated and embarrassed, and I felt terrible- like I was back in high school being bulled and barked at on a daily basis.  And then of course (since I am doing my dissertation on bullying) began thinking of others who have had it so much worse and I realized I was getting a bit desensitized to this kind of behaviour, b/c when I tweeted about it so many people were in an outrage - (while I was blaming myself for how I looked, how I am, how I can't seem to get myself under control and lose weight and how painful doing some things is there by perpetuating the entire thing in a vicious cycle.)

Steph came back from getting Catherine Tate and David Tennant's autographs a little after, and I was very happy she was happy and glad she was done, b/c I just wanted to go back to the hotel- which we did after a bit of difficulty in trying to get a cab back to the hotel ( I was too tired and sore to walk the mile in the rain and dark.)

Saturday:
Saturday we had a big day planned.  We needed to check out of the hotel, go to Barking (on the other side of London) to Big Finish day to meet Colin Baker and Sophie Aldred, and then go back to the other side of London to Clapham Common to see INXS.  (When I made the original plans I was just going to the concert alone, and then when I won 2 tickets Steph decided to come with me and then we found out about Big Finish day, hence the back and forth.)

We headed out, got money and breakfast and took the overground, to the DLR, to the train to Barking.  We weren't 100% sure about the directions google maps gave us, so we took a cab to the location (good thing as the maps had it wrong).  We wandered around looking at merchandise and pictures and whatnot waiting for the celebs to come back from lunch. 

Finally we got a chance to talk to Colin Baker.  He was funny and gracious.  I told him we found his tweets funny, and he asked what my username was- I told him what it was and that I was the one who kept asking for the Bayban avatar.  He laughed and said he was trying to find a picture and would change it soon for me.  :)  He signed for us and then we went on our way to meet Sophie Aldred who took a picture with the Plushies for us!


She also signed for us and then we decided we had enough of the con and headed off to make our way to Clapham Commons.  We had time to kill, so we stopped at Starbucks to have a coffee before heading over.

We finally went over to the commons, and found a place to sit and relax.  It was nice out at that point, and there were plenty of people to watch and it was nice to just relax. 




Finally, INXS came on and I was so excited.  I jumped around and danced and sang along.  ( I am going to make a separate blog entry just for the show)



As soon as the show was over, we had to book it to the tube to get to Victoria station in time for the bus.  We made it just in time (had the tube not kept STOPPING for no reason, we would have had plenty of time.)  The bus driver was very rude to me and told me that usually they leave 5 minutes early (if you leave at 10 you should leave at 10) and that we should have gotten there earlier.  I explained that we got lost trying to find the bus area as it isn't attached to Victoria.  He didn't care and told us we couldn't bring dinner on as it was hot food.  (what is the friggin' difference between a hot and cold sandwich).  I didn't care, I shoved it in my bag and ate it anyway.  I was starving!

We couldn't even sit together on the bus b/c people were all spread out and wouldn't share or move so we could sit together.  It was extremely rude and I was really pissed off.  And the guy I ended up sitting next to kept spreading over into my seat- at one point I was sitting on the handle and had no where to move- I was going to sit on the floor in the aisle at that point!  I didn't sleep at all again, and I was SO glad when we got back to Glasgow. 

We got home at about 7ish, I changed and passed out until about 4 in the afternoon, got up and ate dinner, and went back to bed.  I am still tired now, but not as much. 

And how was  your weekend?

17 May 2011

Anxiety ridden

I woke up this morning filled with anxiety.  I am so worried about the next few months and what exactly is going to happen.

1.  I have applied for my PhD.  So I either get accepted or not.  I've already been preliminarily approved for funding via loans (so that is good).

1a.  If I get accepted, then all is well, and the anxiety will be over.  Other than writing 70 billion words over the next 3 years.

1b.  If I don't......then what.  I obviously have 3 options.

      2a.  Stay here in Glasgow and find a job (hopefully).  I can stay 2 years on my student visa if I find employment, which may not be easy.  It would also give me a chance to apply to other schools if I decided to go that route.

      2b.  Apply into a teach in the UK/Scotland program (not sure if I would be eligible, since I already have a teaching licence and experience- I need to go to career services and find out).

     2c.  Go back to the US.  If this is the only option, I have no idea what I am going to do.  I don't even know if I will have enough money for a plane ticket home, never mind finding a place to live, a job, etc.  This is my biggest fear b/c if I go back to the US, well...... I don't even know if I can find employment nor will I be eligible for any unemployment, etc as far as I know.  Which means I would probably have less than $100 and that certainly won't last very long.

Granted I should have thought about this a year ago, but I would be in the same position if I still wasn't working or employed full time (last year I was substitute teaching due to the lack of jobs).  I am sure I could get my p/t job back, but that would mean living in or as close to Boston as possible so I could work the p/t job and that is just 3 hours on a Saturday.

*sigh*

I know worrying doesn't help, but these are the realities I am facing.  I just really hope this all works out.

10 April 2011

another week gone

and another 2lbs up.  :(  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.
The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me.  I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can't be bothered to put on a mask.  I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.


I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.


Living sucks.  I don't know how to do it anymore.  I don 't know how to cope.  I don't know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.


I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum.....  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

27 February 2011

Weigh in #2

Starting weight: 15 stone 4

Last week: 15 stone 3

This week: 15 stone

Horray me! Even with all this stress and whatnot, and my eating not being perfect and having not made it to the gym (0r even out of bed one day) I did lose weight.  I know I didn't eat all of my 49'ers this week but came close.  There were some things I had no idea now many points were in, and just made sure I mentally deducted like 15 points to give myself room, etc....

I also started several new meds and stopped some other ones for my headaches (now chronic migraines, or chronic daily headache with migranious tendencies).  No idea how these will affect weight loss as I only started them mid week.

That being said I am worried about being home and still being able to be on track with the crap that is always there.  Granted I am sure I will be stressed and when I get THAT stressed I feel to sick to eat.

I'm leaving Glasgow to head back to Boston tomorrow morning.  I am scared and stressed out of my mind.  I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to lose my mum.  :(

 

(So if there are no updates, that is why. )

Weigh in #2

Starting weight: 15 stone 4

Last week: 15 stone 3

This week: 15 stone

Horray me! Even with all this stress and whatnot, and my eating not being perfect and having not made it to the gym (0r even out of bed one day) I did lose weight.  I know I didn't eat all of my 49'ers this week but came close.  There were some things I had no idea now many points were in, and just made sure I mentally deducted like 15 points to give myself room, etc....

I also started several new meds and stopped some other ones for my headaches (now chronic migraines, or chronic daily headache with migranious tendencies).  No idea how these will affect weight loss as I only started them mid week.

That being said I am worried about being home and still being able to be on track with the crap that is always there.  Granted I am sure I will be stressed and when I get THAT stressed I feel to sick to eat.

I'm leaving Glasgow to head back to Boston tomorrow morning.  I am scared and stressed out of my mind.  I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to lose my mum.  :(

 

(So if there are no updates, that is why. )

22 February 2011

New new new new new neuro

Yes, this was neuro #5.  He seemed pleasant enough, but did cut me off a few times when I was explaining some of the medical history and he also declined a copy of the records I had brought with me.

He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).

Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura).  I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines.  He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone.  Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache?  *shrugs*

I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced.  (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35.  Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.


So the plan is...

Continue Venlafaxine in am.  Currently continue ativan.  Add flunarizine as a preventative at night.  For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER.  He also wants me to stop the ativan.  I should be titrated off it, he said.  I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help?  He said there was nothing that could be prescribed.  So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it?  I don't believe that for a second.  I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area.  My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started.  I need help with the anxiety.  It isn't a joke.  He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin.  FUN TIEMS AHEAD.  (or not)

Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .

New new new new new neurologist

Yes, this was neuro #5.  He seemed pleasant enough, but did cut me off a few times when I was explaining some of the medical history and he also declined a copy of the records I had brought with me.

He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).

Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura).  I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines.  He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone.  Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache?  *shrugs*

I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced.  (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35.  Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.


So the plan is...

Continue Venlafaxine in am.  Currently continue ativan.  Add flunarizine as a preventative at night.  For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER.  He also wants me to stop the ativan.  I should be titrated off it, he said.  I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help?  He said there was nothing that could be prescribed.  So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it?  I don't believe that for a second.  I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area.  My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started.  I need help with the anxiety.  It isn't a joke.  He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin.  FUN TIEMS AHEAD.  (or not)

Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .

16 December 2010

Emotional

(Again I ramble.  My apologies.  I'm writing from the heart here; all my logic has been lost on my 4000 word paper.)

I'm an emotional wreck today.  The painters are in (LMAO I love that euphemism) and that has a lot to do with it.  There is also this issue of a 4000 word paper due tomorrow that I feel is shite.

Alas, that is not the real reason I'm emotional.   At least not 100% of it.  I feel overwhelmed.  I feel confused.  I'm scared. I feel sad and lonely and I miss my family and my best friend and my other close friends.  And unfortunately my gf ends up bearing the brunt of my irrationality.  Which isn't right or fair.  So I am trying to do all my sad song listening, Vale Decem sobbing, and more sobbing while she isn't home.

Fear and shame have driven me inside myself since June of 2004 and I am not sure I can ever find the person I was 4 years before that- the person who I liked (and perhaps was liked in return) and was confident and happy (I thought, at least somewhat happy) and while I was still as emotional and needy and whiny and whatnot then, I was thin and I had a great life ahead of me.  So I thought.  I also wasn't scared to go out in public, well in bigger public than the grocery store or be in a social situation. (Not that there have been many of them in the past few years- and every time there is one, there doesn't seem to be enough Ativan to cope.)

I found out then, that for the few months I was "thin," that it didn't change my life.  I didn't have a million dollars.  I didn't have a boyfriend who looked like Tom Brady with the humanity(and voice) of David Tennant and the humour of Dustin Pedroia.  I had a nicer body that I worked hard for, but everything else stayed the same.  I still had to pay the bills and take out the trash.  I still made bad decisions.  Really, really horrible, bad decisions. (One that I can't forgive myself for.) I still cried. I still was scared to be alone.

And here I am 10 years later. I may have achieved a lot (of weight gain once again) and I may have earned my M.Ed, but I still haven't found my place.  Due to economics or me just being me, I haven't had a job longer than 2 school years.  And now with cuts across the globe, I'm ever more worried about prospects after I finish my second Master's degree and where I will end up.

Will 2011 be my year?  Will they find a reason and a fix for my headaches?  Will I be able to go out to a social event without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me and laughing at me? (and can I do it sans meds?) And will I have to do it alone?  I hope not.