another week gone

and another 2lbs up.  :(  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.

The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me.  I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can't be bothered to put on a mask.  I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.

I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.

Living sucks.  I don't know how to do it anymore.  I don 't know how to cope.  I don't know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.

I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum.....  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

Weigh in #2

Starting weight: 15 stone 4

Last week: 15 stone 3

This week: 15 stone

Horray me! Even with all this stress and whatnot, and my eating not being perfect and having not made it to the gym (0r even out of bed one day) I did lose weight.  I know I didn't eat all of my 49'ers this week but came close.  There were some things I had no idea now many points were in, and just made sure I mentally deducted like 15 points to give myself room, etc....

I also started several new meds and stopped some other ones for my headaches (now chronic migraines, or chronic daily headache with migranious tendencies).  No idea how these will affect weight loss as I only started them mid week.

That being said I am worried about being home and still being able to be on track with the crap that is always there.  Granted I am sure I will be stressed and when I get THAT stressed I feel to sick to eat.

I'm leaving Glasgow to head back to Boston tomorrow morning.  I am scared and stressed out of my mind.  I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to lose my mum.  :(

 

(So if there are no updates, that is why. )

Weigh in #2

Starting weight: 15 stone 4

Last week: 15 stone 3

This week: 15 stone

Horray me! Even with all this stress and whatnot, and my eating not being perfect and having not made it to the gym (0r even out of bed one day) I did lose weight.  I know I didn't eat all of my 49'ers this week but came close.  There were some things I had no idea now many points were in, and just made sure I mentally deducted like 15 points to give myself room, etc....

I also started several new meds and stopped some other ones for my headaches (now chronic migraines, or chronic daily headache with migranious tendencies).  No idea how these will affect weight loss as I only started them mid week.

That being said I am worried about being home and still being able to be on track with the crap that is always there.  Granted I am sure I will be stressed and when I get THAT stressed I feel to sick to eat.

I'm leaving Glasgow to head back to Boston tomorrow morning.  I am scared and stressed out of my mind.  I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to lose my mum.  :(

 

(So if there are no updates, that is why. )

Weigh in #1

Today was my first weigh in.  I lost 1 pound.  :(  I had hoped it would be more.

I am doing ok with the WW points.  I ate all the weekly points, but not all of the exercise points as I was not sure if I was making 100% entries since some things weren't on the lists and I didn't always have the calorie info.  Funny, after I entered my weight today, the online system told me I had one less point to eat per day now.

I feel like this will take forever, as WW has me ending up between 7-9 stone as a final weight.  *sigh*

Hopefully next week will be better.

I went to the gym twice, and took a long walk, and another long walk today.   We walked down Byres road, through the Arboretum, and then back up along Great Western Road and then through campus and back home.

Some pics from today's walk:

[gallery]

frustrating week

This weight loss thing is just not working out for me.  I am trying.  I am eating FAR less, walking around more.  Yet, every day the scale goes up.

I know I shouldn't worry about the changes in one day but over a week......?  It is just frustrating and stressful.  And we are not talking tons of calories per day 1200-1600 on average which should be showing losses, small perhaps, but not a 6lb gain.

I hope this week is better than last.

This weight loss thing is just not working out for me.  I am trying.  I am eating FAR less, walking around more.  Yet, every day the scale goes up.

I know I shouldn't worry about the changes in one day but over a week......?  It is just frustrating and stressful.  And we are not talking tons of calories per day 1200-1600 on average which should be showing losses, small perhaps, but not a 5lb gain.

I hope this week is better than last.

why can I never remember to update here?

I really need to update here.  It helps keep me accountable.

I went to the gym 3 times this week, which is 3 more times than the 2 weeks before it.  I didn't do any "hard" workouts.  I have to listen to my body and my pounding head.  

I think I gained a few pounds back, which is frustrating b/c I gained them back the week I ate the least and worked out the most.  *sigh*

I just feel so fat and ick and I need to do more cardio so I can lose the fat, but everything makes the head hurt more...... so everything fails.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I shouldn't let the scale define me, yet I do

I was up like 4 pounds today.  I've been working out and not eating crap this week and I gain weight.  Ugh.  I'm frustrated.  I am going to try to remember to track my food here again, and see if that helps, but then again I lost weight eating crap and not even trying.  I don't get it.  Maybe it was just a fluke.  I have no idea.  I just feel meh now.

breakfast:
iced coffee
multigrain bagel from Starbucks

at work: 20+ oz h20

snack:
luna bar

lunch:
6 inch subway turkey w/ lettuce and tomato
baked lays
more water

snack:
Fage yogurt

Dinner:
Strawberry smoothie- froz strawberries, 1 scoop protein powder, 1 cup ff milk, 2 tablespoons of activia yogurt
multigrain 100 cal English muffin
lots more water

Long time update

It's been a while since I have updated.  Whoa.

I'm still in the 180's.  I was 188 the other day; the lowest I have seen was 186.

I am fitting in a 10-12.  My clothes are definitely fitting better.  I had a top on today that usually gapes, and did not.  

I have been working out more, walking and finally getting back to the gym.

Sunday:  32 mins on the treadmill as part of the couch to 5K plan and then another half hour or so on the cybex
Monday:  Walked in and out of Coolidge corner, about 3-4 miles of walking
Tuesday: 40 mins on the elliptical [would have been longer, but time was short today]

I'm trying to eat less, get more protein and fiber.  Some days are better than others.  Working has kept me busy and I think that has a lot to do why I have been able to lose some weight.  Also more coffee LOL.  

I hope to be able to keep this up and lose more weight by the end of the school year.  I would be happy to get to 180 by then, since I lose weight so slowly with the PCOS and the headaches and whatnot.  I will take what I can get.  

EDIT:  Also when I was at work on Saturday I was asked how much I weigh- over 200?  I said no, and the kid was like what 199?  I joked it off but I was kind of ticked off.  *sigh*

finally

189

I've been working out more.  More is more than none, and I will take what I can get.  My  head has been KILLING again so I have been taking it easy the past 2 days and I have been working like crazy.  

But I am excited that the scale will keep going down.  

 Well it looks like the 193 I saw last week was a fluke.  That and I am all PMSy so I could be retaining water.  IDK.  I know it wasn't a great week exercise or food wise.  I would just like to not see 197 forever and ever and ever.  So I certainly hope that the scale will continue to move downward.

I signed up for the Maintain your weight challenge at my gym for a chance to win FREE personal training for a year.  NOW that would be awesome.  

I did Pilates on Saturday (my abs still hurt!) and 45 mins of spinning yesterday.

I know I need to start tracking what I eat again and stop with the extras I don't need, like the macaroni in my salad at work or the extra cheese on my quesedilla.  

I need to make sure I workout 4-5 times a week and get plenty of water.  
I need to make sure I get plenty of rest even when I am working.
I need to workout even on days I work.
I need to stop eating Clif Z bars like they are going out of style.
I need to use less butter on my sweet potatoes.
I need to watch my excess soy lecthicin (sp) intake.
I need to take my meds responsibly.

I also signed up for Motivational Matchups and my partner is Kerry!  The girls did a great job with the match up.  We are both teachers, and the same height and about the same age!

I will be posting today's food and exercise later.

Getting back into it

 Just trying to get back into it after not feeling so well.  I've missed the gym so much but I didn't want to push it.  Also my food has started to hurt again.  I've been icing, etc and have a bandage to wrap it before I take a boot camp class tomorrow.

today- 199 :)

SUCCESS

 This morning---- 200!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you everyone who has listened to me bitch and moan lately.  :)  It is much appreciated!  Your support is <3 <3 <3 <3 <3