I'm Not Sorry

This blog post idea, stolen blatantly from Joanna.  Check out her blog.  She is a friggin' hoot!

I'm not sorry I changed the name of my blog.  Again.  A woman is entitled to change her mind.  :)  It needed a change, and I am glad I did it.  All the previous posts are still there, if you care to peruse.

I'm not sorry I have not drunk the correct number of glasses of water lately.  I need the caffeine to keep me going as I finish this dissertation.

I'm not sorry for bitching incessantly about this dissertation.  I am stressed to the gills and I need to let it out somehow, or I may explode.

I'm not sorry I haven't worked out.  Ok maybe a little bit sorry.  It would probably help with the stress.  But right now when I need to choose between writing and sleep or working out- well you know which one is going by the wayside.  (There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and in a week or 2 I will be back to the sane person I usually am HAHAHAHAHAHA!)

I'm not sorry about that really bad joke I just made.

I'm not sorry I went to London last week and got no work done.  How many times in life am I going to be able to say I saw David Tennant performing Shakespeare?

I'm not sorry I just spent 15 minutes writing this up.  Sometimes I need to get away from bullying, cyber bullying, and bullycide.  How I don't spend the entire time writing sobbing my eyes out is a miracle.

What are you not sorry for?

True Confessions Tuesday

Please do not read if you are offended by the liberal use of the f word (and all its cognates) or if you don't want to read about my screw ups and probably my terrible spelling b/c I am typing in a rage.

1.  I think I totally fucked up my dissertation.  I've never written one before and I was given no real guidelinews- I was told just to do it.  Well that is what I did.  And I have been writing it like an essay- actually more like how the book I hope to write using this as background would go.  Which apparently thanks to Steph and her finding a book on writing a dissertation, (PHEW) IS WRONG.

I'm supposed to have a research question and a method.  Well you see, after I came back from ther states there wasn't time to get my research approved, so I have just been doing it as an essay, not with the planned way I had with the research and the bunnies and everything.  (Ok no bunnies, but whatever). 

So now I need to figure out if I can salvage the 10K words I have written without having to start over when I have about a week, 2 at the most to finish. 

Of course my advisor is away until Friday.  FML.

2.  The above is all my fault.  I just have had such a hard time getting back in to it..since I came back from the states...and I just want to cry and yell and scream because I am very fucking angry.  I fucking miss her and I hate this and everything.  It is not fucking fair.  And before you ask, I have talked to someone, 2 someones in fact and it didn't help.  I am sorry but there is no in your time of need angel sitting on my fucking shoulder right now.  I think that is a load of bollocks- no disrespect to those of you who believe that, but I don't see it. 

3.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I have no idea what is going to happeb after this dissertation- if I can pull it off and get the degree and get into the PhD program.  Good.  Brilliant. Fantastic.  But if not....well I am not sure I even *passed* one of the classes b/c of the way the things are graded here, I just don't get.....

4.  I suck at asking for help.  I'm almost 36.  I should GET it by now.  I should be independent and have it down.  But I still manage to fuck it up- mainly b/c I don't know how to ask for help. 

5.  I'm terrified of what will happen if I have to go home.  I know I have talked about this before but where am I going to go?  What am I going to do?  Will I be able to find a job?

6.  I have sucked at eating well, drinking water, and haven't gone to the gym in ages.

7.  I haven't even had time to write about how I met David Tennant and how he is soft and smells like heaven, which sums it up really.

8.  Lastly, it would really be great if fucking grandpa would shut the fuck up about certain people.  No one wants to hear you shoot your gob off.  And now you are ruining one of my favourite shows.  NO LOVE.- me.

Name change and an update

My blogs have had various incarnations over the years.  I started blogging at neophytegirl.net a long time ago, when I had my own domain.  This was many years ago.  I know I had a backup of it sometime ago, but I can't find it.....at least at the moment.  I've had my LJ and now recently I had toocurvyagain at wordpress and abostongirlinglasgow which I merged into one. 

But I think it is time for a change.  I'm still a Boston girl.  I'm still in Glasgow.  But that isn't who I am and it isn't what defines me.  I was going to have a vote or a suggestion entry about what I should change the name of my blog to.  And then I realized, having someone else name it, won't work.

Hence- Cindy's struggles.  That is my name, and well my life has been a series of struggles. 

So that is that.

The London trip was fun and packed and yes, I met David Tennant and Catherine Tate.  The play was brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant- I want to go back and see it again and again (and if I can get down there to see it again, I will- after my dissertation is done, of course!)  I hope to get to write up about the play ASAP.

As far as the healthiness journey goes, I'm working on eliminating gluten to see if it helps with the headaches.  I hope to get back to the gym this week as well.  If it doesn't happen, I am not going to stress too much over it as I believe I have about 2 weeks to finish my dissertation, and that has to come first.  I will have plenty of time afterwards.

How do you deal with stress, deadlines, and workouts?

The Power of Positive Thinking?

Anyone who knows me, or who reads this blog for that matter (which is probably why I don't get many comments) knows or has read that I am a glass is half empty kinda gal.  I am always negative.  Nothing is every right.  Nothing ever goes right.  I'm a mess, a disaster, and nothing good ever happens to me. 

I certainly feel that way right now.  This year has sucked so far.  I've had health issues.  My mum has died.  I've had academic issues.  My flat has been robbed, and belongings stolen.  I can't lose weight.  I was sick for over  a month.  I went to London and got spat on.  I could go on.

So while I am very aware of how negative I am, I wonder how much of this is the fault of negative thinking?  I mean I am sure I didn't have a cold/infection/whatever for a month + because I was upset about being ill.  I am sure my flat wasn't burgled because I am down on myself all the time, right? 

My question is, is that if I were more positive, would things go right?  Would finishing my dissertation be a breeze?  Will I meet David Tennant next week?  Will I get into the PhD programme or get a fab job offer?  Will I suddenly lose 20 pounds and get rid of this headache I've had for 5 years? 

Because I will be honest.  I am starting to panic.  My dissertation is due on 3 August.  (I had no idea what the due date was b/c I didn't see the attachment I was sent before today and I really thought I had more time.)  I still don't know what the deal will be with the PhD programme.  I was under the impression that all the document were received based on an email I received but I checked the online checker thing and it said it was on hold waiting for documents.  And if I don't get in, how am I going to get home?  Will I have a place to live, a job, anything?  I am really in a panic here.  People always say things will work out, but I don't want to go back home and be homeless and have nothing at all. 

So do I think positively and get on with it or do I keep with my negative (but realistic as I always thought) ways?  And that way I will be pleased when the outcome is positive, but not disappointed if it isn't. 


Ok.  Procrastination over.

Still sick

I'm still sick.  :(   This is getting really old.  I've been sick since the week before the 5K.  Granted gallavanting all over London town last weekend did me no favours.  However, it's been a month.  I should be feeling better.  I'm on antibiotics.  The doctor said after 48 hours I'd be feeling better.  It's been 4 days.  I still feel exhausted, drained, and miserable.  :(

I did manage to make it out of the house today to try and work on my dissertation.  (As you can see I am working hard.)

I really hope I am back to myself soon.  I am tired of feeling this way and having everything be a federal project.  I put away laundry last night and it wiped me out. That, and I have booked in for Pilates on Tuesday and I want to be feeling well enough to go.

I hope you're all having a nice weekend!

Thank you

Thank you to everyone who posted comments about my trials and tribulations and everyone who offered support over Facebook and Twitter re: our break in.

We have had the police check for fingerprints (no go) and they did take some DNA swabs from the computer cables.  So far no news.  I honestly am not expecting any.  This way I don't get my hopes up and magically hope my computer arrives back in perfect condition.  So I am buying a new one today (despite the fact I'm low on funds) b/c I cannot live here at the library 24/7 every time I need to use a computer and using my iPhone as much as I love it, is not conducive to doing work.

I'm still sick.  :(  This has been going on a month and I am going back to the GP today and I am begging for something b/c I am so tired of feeling ill.  I didn't sleep well last night, half on the couch, half in bed, alternating from freezing and sweating and being unable to breathe through my nose.  :(  My sinuses feel like they have cement inside them.  :(

I also plan on asking about a dietician referral.

I really hope I feel better soon b/c I miss Pilates and spinning!

Catch up Friday

I've been feeling so miserable the past few days I haven't done much of anything.  I feel a tiny bit better today and finally feel hungry, so hopefully whatever this is is finally leaving my system.  It also may explain why the practice 5K I did on Sunday was so miserable and I had no energy.  It did help me to lose 3 pounds!  


1.  I did manage to go to Pilates on Tuesday which kicked my ass.  That is the only formal workout I've had this week and may be the only one until Sunday.  It sucks, but when I'm sick and feeling achy and miserable the last thing I want to do is exercise.  


2.  #Fitblog chat.  Since I am in Glasgow, this means the chats are at 3am for me.  I sometimes am awake, but this week, being under the weather, I was asleep.  Here are my responses.

Q1) 75% give up on New Year's Resolutions within weeks. Let's discuss our goals for the second half of the year and how we plan to stick to them.


-keep going to the gym as much as I can while writing my dissertation 
-don't give into temptation for take out b/c it is easier and means I don't have to do the dishes
-eat more whole grains
I plan to do this, by just DOING it, and not saying I am going to do it.


Q2) What are your goals for the rest of the year?
-lose a minimum of 20 lbs
-go to the gym/workout a minimum of 3 times/ week
-finish dissertation without losing my mind


Q3) How do you set goals?
I set goals by looking at my current habits and finding ways that I can change them positively.


Q4) What resources do you use to help you stick to your goals
Other blogs, health and fitness magazines, tracking my weight and activity and looking for trends.


3.  Goals for this weekend?
-feel better, do as best as I can do on the 5K, and read for my dissertation


What are your weekend plans?

Not myself

I'm not feeling like myself today.  I haven't really felt like myself since we came back from London.  Even though my feet hurt, I had a lot of energy and felt good.  Recently, I just feel tired and sluggish and blah and whatnot.  I think it may have to do with the fact I'm out of my vitamin D supplement.

I think I am going to have to find a new and better GP if I am planning on staying here longer.  The last time I went and had my ankle looked at, about 30 seconds was spent on examination.  It just made me feel dismissed, like my issue wasn't real.

Anyways, I just feel blah.  Not depressed (well not anymore than usual), not anxious, just blah.  Maybe it is the weather, since it has been raining for what seems like forever now.  It rains, we get a bit of sun, it rains.  Repeat.

So I have no idea.  I'm excited to work out, but can't get the motivation to do it.  I have things I need to do and people to call etc, and can't "find the time."  I just wish I was at the point where everything came easy; healthy living and eating and working out and working on my dissertation.  Someday, some day soon I hope.

Today I had some me time and got my nails done and then I met Steph for lunch.  We walked around a bit after and then we came back and I ran a load of laundry and took a nap.  I meant to only sleep for a bit but it ended up being way longer than I wanted and missed spinning.  :(  Bad Cindy.

I also took a few photos of some of the damage that occurred in our neighborhood from the ridic winds here yesterday.  Not that it even makes any comparison to what has happened in the US, but it was crazy what some wind can do.

Tomorrow is a new day- hopefully with better choices.

In which another day passes and nothing gets accomplished

I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow regarding my dissertation.  We met when I got back from the US after my mom died.  That was about 2 months ago.  In that time, I had 2 other papers to write, and I took a holiday.  I have done some research on my dissertation.  In fact I spent 2 days at the library looking up books and journal articles.  (Not that I have actually *read* them.)

I honestly have no idea what I am doing.  I found a template online to assist me in writing, but I am not really sure what I am supposed to be writing.  I mean do I just go all in and do this- or is there some sort of formulaic way- like the way a Law and Order episode is drawn out?   I hope my advisor isn't pissed that I have no idea what I am doing- I just felt really foolish asking at this point in the academic year.  (I've never had to write such a paper for my previous degrees so......)

So I am stressed and not feeling 100% and didn't work out again today and this isn't good since I had been doing so well.  I am going to the gym right after my meeting with my advisor in the morning to get it out of the way.

I also need to go to the public library and pick up a book.  I found a book group that meets in a coffee shop I love, and I really need to do something that isn't my dissertation this summer.

Oh!  And the one thing I did actually get done today (besides watching Timelash) was to book my mini trip to London to see INXS in June.  I am taking the overnight bus (cheap) and staying one night in London, and then busing back the night of the show.  It sucks and I will be tired but it is the cheapest option.  (I'd rather have the money for when we go see MAAN later in June!!!!)

Sorry if this is a totally random post- I'm not focusing at the moment.

Oh, and if you are reading this, please take a moment to say "hi" in the comments.  I <3 comments.

Ok I am really going to sign off this post and get work done.  Really.

Rainy Monday

Today was a blech kind of day for many reasons.   The rain didn't help matters at all.  It just added to my general sad mood.

We did get grocery shopping out of the way and got plenty of grains and veggies, jammie dodgers and a fez. When we got back I had lunch and debated doing some work, which means I watched last night's L&O CI. (I'm so glad Goren and Eames are back!)

Finally I realized I needed to get to the gym if I was going to work out (which I really didn't want to, since it meant going out in the rain.)  I got my stuff together and got the bus.  Of course, I couldn't remember what stop I needed to get off at, and got off a mile too far away so I had to walk back the way I came in the rain (at least I had my wellies on).

As a result, nothing felt right.  I used the eSpinner and did 1/2 a downloaded spinning workout.  (I had to stop b/c of the time limits on these machines at key hours.)  I debated using the weights but the room was packed.  I had walked the mile + biked 10 miles on the eSpinner, so I called it a day and hit the hot tub.

Totals: appx 60 mins workout, 500 cals burned.  (I forgot to take a picture of my HRM.)

Tomorrow I am having my ankle looked at (again) and I am hoping that I won't have to stop working out now that I've started again.  Tomorrow's workout will probably be weights and Pilates class.

Right now I am just tired and cranky and I just sorted my journal articles by type for my dissertation.  Now if only I could get them all read, notes taken, and my chapter outline done for Thursday it would be very nice.

back to it

Apparently my last post has vanished.  I hope it comes back soon.

I went shopping this morning and spent WAY too much money!  Oops.  I got things that I needed and my niece her 5th birthday present.

After coffee and getting caught in the rain, I came home so I could get work done and ended up searching for travel options for my weekend trip to London next month.

Then, I went to spinning today for the first time since my surgery, which was almost 10 months ago! (In fact this was my first real HARD workout since then.  I have been walking and things, but nothing overly exerting, hence the weight gain.)  I wish I hadn't waited so long because it was wonderful.  It was easier without the extra sports bra, and liberating as well!  I am sure I will be sore tomorrow!  I hope I can walk as it is Farmer's Market day!

So for an hour and nine minutes....
I thought it might be more, and it may be.  I think my HRM needs a new battery.

I'm tired but energetic, and part of me wants to go out to the store, but the other part of me has no desire to put on not my jim jams and go out.  It can wait until tomorrow.  No one needs yogurt that badly.

I should be working on my dissertation right now as well, but it is Friday night.  I do need to get a lot done in the next few days before my appt with my advisor.

Cheerio!

Update

I've merged my 2 blogs here to this location. It was getting silly trying to have 2 blogs and keep them separate, when it is my life and my life isn't divided into 2 pages.

Yesterday we walked a lot and picked up a few things and saw a rainbow.



I also got a paper back with a VERY bad grade. Very bad to the point it could put my graduating in jeopardy. I am not sure what the passing grade level is for the overall class and I can't seem to find that information on line. I may have to resubmit it, but even then, even if I got bumped up a letter I am not sure that would change the over all grade enough. I know it is my own fault. I totally blew through that paper and I was upset and worried about my mum. I also found that class a complete waste of time and that didn't really help my attitude toward the paper. I need to contact the professor and ask what the next step should be. (it also doesn't help that there isn't exactly a shit ton of research on what I wrote on either) I also gave my very frank opinion on the class and how I found it kind of a waste of time. I am not going to be all nice, if I feel that it doesn't serve its purpose.

Today I have my massage w/ R, and then I need to get a fair amount done on my Columbine paper. That is due in less than a week and I am about half way done.

Also Dice-K? WTF. :(