The Power of Positive Thinking?

Anyone who knows me, or who reads this blog for that matter (which is probably why I don't get many comments) knows or has read that I am a glass is half empty kinda gal.  I am always negative.  Nothing is every right.  Nothing ever goes right.  I'm a mess, a disaster, and nothing good ever happens to me. 

I certainly feel that way right now.  This year has sucked so far.  I've had health issues.  My mum has died.  I've had academic issues.  My flat has been robbed, and belongings stolen.  I can't lose weight.  I was sick for over  a month.  I went to London and got spat on.  I could go on.

So while I am very aware of how negative I am, I wonder how much of this is the fault of negative thinking?  I mean I am sure I didn't have a cold/infection/whatever for a month + because I was upset about being ill.  I am sure my flat wasn't burgled because I am down on myself all the time, right? 

My question is, is that if I were more positive, would things go right?  Would finishing my dissertation be a breeze?  Will I meet David Tennant next week?  Will I get into the PhD programme or get a fab job offer?  Will I suddenly lose 20 pounds and get rid of this headache I've had for 5 years? 

Because I will be honest.  I am starting to panic.  My dissertation is due on 3 August.  (I had no idea what the due date was b/c I didn't see the attachment I was sent before today and I really thought I had more time.)  I still don't know what the deal will be with the PhD programme.  I was under the impression that all the document were received based on an email I received but I checked the online checker thing and it said it was on hold waiting for documents.  And if I don't get in, how am I going to get home?  Will I have a place to live, a job, anything?  I am really in a panic here.  People always say things will work out, but I don't want to go back home and be homeless and have nothing at all. 

So do I think positively and get on with it or do I keep with my negative (but realistic as I always thought) ways?  And that way I will be pleased when the outcome is positive, but not disappointed if it isn't. 


Ok.  Procrastination over.

New diet plan

While I was waiting to see the doctor the other day, I was thumbing through some magazine and there was a feature on the Dukan diet.  When I got home with my weeks worth of antibiotics I did some research on it, did up my profile, and decided that I would try this out.

What it entails:
A 4 phase plan where you start off with protein foods, then merge into the  next stage where you alternate protein days with protein and veggie days, and then into the last 2 phases where you begin to slowly add in "regular" foods and learn to eat in moderation.  (The website and book make this more clear than I am right now I am sure.)

The website gave me an idea of how long I would be on each phase and a target weight as well. (the target weight is higher than my ideal goal- but given my difficulty in even losing a pound, having something that may seem more attainable is good for me right now.)  I'm eating eggs, chicken, fish, yoghurt, low fat dairy, and oat bran.  I haven't felt really deprived, but I have been hungry.

Now, for some of you this may seem like a fad diet or not healthy or dangerous, or not Earth friendly with the addition of protein sources.  I know that this may not be a perfect solution.  I know that I may not even agree 100% philosophically with the increased protein and no veggies/carbs in the attack phase.  However, having PCOS, and knowing I need to be on a lower carb diet b/c of this (as I have been told)  it is a realistic plan that has set things that I can and cannot eat, and that is what I need right now.   I also know it is not forever.  If I get to the end of my attack phase (7 days) and I have not seen results, I will stop. Steph has even agreed to do this with me (and has already lost over 6 lbs!).  Unfortunately, I have not seen the results she has.

Day 1: -3 lbs (YAY)
Day 2 +2 (BOO)
Day 3: +0.4 (BOO)


I could make excuses for this, but I don't really have any.  I've been following the plan. Granted I am still sick and on antibiotics, not to mention that the painters are in right now (just what I needed!), and who knows what either/both of those things have done to my body right now.  I will just have to wait and see.  The site said I should lose 6 lbs in the induction phase.  I hope I do.  I need a boost to my waistline and my self-esteem so that I can keep going and fighting.

What I ask for right now is support, not flaming or criticism for making this choice.  Thank you.

PS:  I also put in for a dietician referral.  Given how long it took for the neuro/pt one, I expect to get it by my birthday.

Still sick

I'm still sick.  :(   This is getting really old.  I've been sick since the week before the 5K.  Granted gallavanting all over London town last weekend did me no favours.  However, it's been a month.  I should be feeling better.  I'm on antibiotics.  The doctor said after 48 hours I'd be feeling better.  It's been 4 days.  I still feel exhausted, drained, and miserable.  :(

I did manage to make it out of the house today to try and work on my dissertation.  (As you can see I am working hard.)

I really hope I am back to myself soon.  I am tired of feeling this way and having everything be a federal project.  I put away laundry last night and it wiped me out. That, and I have booked in for Pilates on Tuesday and I want to be feeling well enough to go.

I hope you're all having a nice weekend!

A weekend of highs and lows (sorry it's long!)

This weekend was really awesome in some ways, and absolutely horrendous in others. I hope I can do justice in documenting it.


Thursday night: 
Steph and I took the overnight bus from Glasgow to London.  Let me warn you, folks.  Not a good idea.  While very cheap, it SUCKS.  We had hoped to spread out (like everyone else) but ended up having to sit together, which while fine, it just meant neither of us had much room.   It also meant I didn't sleep.  At all.  The bus itself was noisy, it was too light (for me), and the seats were uncomfortable.  The only good thing was the wi-fi.  Finally at 4ish I gave up trying to rest and listened to the Red Sox rout the Yankees, which gave me enough adrenaline to function once we arrived in London.


Friday: 
Once we arrived we set up camp in a Starbucks for a while (waiting for the commuter rush to be over) and had coffee and breakfast.  The pancakes were pretty good, IMO.  We hung out there for a while and then got on the Tube and headed to Leicester Square.  We walked around a bit, and then got more coffee at Costa and figured out the rest of the day.

We then got the tube and a train to Crystal Palace, where our hotel was.  Now, google maps really fucked up on this one and had us walk this RIDICULOUS way to the hotel up 2 massive hills where I was actually convinced I was going to have a heart attack and die.  My ankle was killing, I was starving, and I was walking up this hill that was insane.  And did I mention it was raining and I am carrying a heavy backpack?

We finally got to the hotel (early) and sat waiting for the room to be ready.  Finally, it was- all I wanted to do was sleep.  I didn't care that the restaurant that was advertised to be a part of the hotel didn't exist.  I just wanted to sleep.  I did just that. 

2 hours and change later, Steph woke me up.  Now, at this point, I really wish I had just told her to go on without me.  I was that tired.  (and in hindsight I wish I had).  I finally dragged myself into the shower and got ready.  We found an easier way to walk back to the train station and on the way stopped at a restaurant called the Grape and the Grain.  I had a falafel sandwich, and it was really, really good.  I was starving at that point and was planning on stopping at the first place we saw, I just needed to eat as it was a long time since those pancakes. 

We ate and then headed to the train station and took the train back into the city to go back into Leicester square.  It was our plan to wait for David Tennant and Catherine Tate after the evening performance of Much Ado.... (this was the backup plan in case when we see them later in the month that we had a chance for autographs).  When we got there the barriers were up, but no one was out waiting yet, so we figured we had some time to kill.  We wandered around and went to Amorino for gelato (the best gelato in the world IMO)


It was raining, so after the gelato, we found refuge in little shops, trying to stay dry.  It was at this point I began to get very panicked and nervous.  I have issues with social anxiety, which I think was the main contribution to being so panicked, and being exhausted- also a trigger.  When we arrived back at the barrier, Steph was so excited, I knew I couldn't ruin this for her, so I said I would just wait for her away from the theatre....

I paced around for a bit, and then decided so I went to get a coffee across from the theatre.  I ordered from the take away menu, but they had me sit down and they'd bring me my coffee.  They did and asked me to pay.  Now the menu said £1.80 and they now told me it was £2.70.  I explained I had asked for take away as I didn't have the £2.70 ( I had £2.66) and they didn't take cards either.  So the waitress went away to ask about it and came back and told me that they would have to take the coffee away and told me I needed to leave immediately.  (So they would rather lose 4 pence than put the coffee in a take away cup and give it to me?)  Humiliated, I walked away.  What I didn't know, was that this wouldn't be the most humiliating part of my evening yet.

I walked around back to the front of the theatre, but across the street to wait.  A group of quite possibly very drunk people came up to me and shoved me into the grate behind me, and walked away laughing.  Not much later, some random guy walked past me, said "fat bitch," and spit on me.  (Luckily I had a napkin in my pocket.)  I was humiliated and embarrassed, and I felt terrible- like I was back in high school being bulled and barked at on a daily basis.  And then of course (since I am doing my dissertation on bullying) began thinking of others who have had it so much worse and I realized I was getting a bit desensitized to this kind of behaviour, b/c when I tweeted about it so many people were in an outrage - (while I was blaming myself for how I looked, how I am, how I can't seem to get myself under control and lose weight and how painful doing some things is there by perpetuating the entire thing in a vicious cycle.)

Steph came back from getting Catherine Tate and David Tennant's autographs a little after, and I was very happy she was happy and glad she was done, b/c I just wanted to go back to the hotel- which we did after a bit of difficulty in trying to get a cab back to the hotel ( I was too tired and sore to walk the mile in the rain and dark.)

Saturday:
Saturday we had a big day planned.  We needed to check out of the hotel, go to Barking (on the other side of London) to Big Finish day to meet Colin Baker and Sophie Aldred, and then go back to the other side of London to Clapham Common to see INXS.  (When I made the original plans I was just going to the concert alone, and then when I won 2 tickets Steph decided to come with me and then we found out about Big Finish day, hence the back and forth.)

We headed out, got money and breakfast and took the overground, to the DLR, to the train to Barking.  We weren't 100% sure about the directions google maps gave us, so we took a cab to the location (good thing as the maps had it wrong).  We wandered around looking at merchandise and pictures and whatnot waiting for the celebs to come back from lunch. 

Finally we got a chance to talk to Colin Baker.  He was funny and gracious.  I told him we found his tweets funny, and he asked what my username was- I told him what it was and that I was the one who kept asking for the Bayban avatar.  He laughed and said he was trying to find a picture and would change it soon for me.  :)  He signed for us and then we went on our way to meet Sophie Aldred who took a picture with the Plushies for us!

She also signed for us and then we decided we had enough of the con and headed off to make our way to Clapham Commons.  We had time to kill, so we stopped at Starbucks to have a coffee before heading over.

We finally went over to the commons, and found a place to sit and relax.  It was nice out at that point, and there were plenty of people to watch and it was nice to just relax. 

Finally, INXS came on and I was so excited.  I jumped around and danced and sang along.  ( I am going to make a separate blog entry just for the show)

As soon as the show was over, we had to book it to the tube to get to Victoria station in time for the bus.  We made it just in time (had the tube not kept STOPPING for no reason, we would have had plenty of time.)  The bus driver was very rude to me and told me that usually they leave 5 minutes early (if you leave at 10 you should leave at 10) and that we should have gotten there earlier.  I explained that we got lost trying to find the bus area as it isn't attached to Victoria.  He didn't care and told us we couldn't bring dinner on as it was hot food.  (what is the friggin' difference between a hot and cold sandwich).  I didn't care, I shoved it in my bag and ate it anyway.  I was starving!

We couldn't even sit together on the bus b/c people were all spread out and wouldn't share or move so we could sit together.  It was extremely rude and I was really pissed off.  And the guy I ended up sitting next to kept spreading over into my seat- at one point I was sitting on the handle and had no where to move- I was going to sit on the floor in the aisle at that point!  I didn't sleep at all again, and I was SO glad when we got back to Glasgow. 

We got home at about 7ish, I changed and passed out until about 4 in the afternoon, got up and ate dinner, and went back to bed.  I am still tired now, but not as much. 

And how was  your weekend?

How do you do it?

Every day I read a lot of blogs (mostly when I should be working on my dissertation) and one thing I've noticed overall is how almost all the writers are up early working out or up early working (even if they aren't working in the workplace.)

As a grad student I make my own hours, and I find it difficult to get up before noon.  Getting up today at around 10:30ish was killer and required a nap later on. Even when on vacation in London when we had to get up for free breakfast (which is a real motivator in my books) we managed it twice. And that was only making sure we were up by 9:20, a feat which should be relatively easy.

Even when I was working full time and had to get up at 6ish, it was difficult and it took a lot of coffee to get me going.  Don't even get me started on trying to workout before.  The few times I attempted it left me red faced, sweaty and icky, and that was before dealing with the kids at school!

So, how do you do it?  Is sleeping late the cause of my weight gain and inability to lose weight?  Is it the wacky hours I keep?  Is it eating dinner at 9pm or later?  Or is it my laziness? Is it caused by being so far away from home and knowing that if I go out, when I come back I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs which makes my ankle hurt and my lungs want to collapse?  Is it a side effect of all those years of meds which never worked to try to fix my headache which still hasn't gone away, or from wrecking my body with Optifast in 2006?

Am I just making excuses?
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I think I know I am frustrated.  I expected in the 2 weeks I worked out a lot to have lost at least a pound.  Right?  I was eating better, working out, I had more energy.  So of course I gained 3 pounds.

Being sick for the past 2 weeks hasn't really helped and I've managed a handful of workouts and the 5K b/c I haven't had the energy or been able to breathe from the coughing to workout.  (I've been to the doctor- they said it lasts 2-3 weeks, and there is nothing they can do, I just need rest and fluids, which I've been doing.)

I hope after my quickie trip to London this weekend I will be feeling more myself and back to working out and whatnot.  Because I certainly do not want to feel this way anymore.


How do you overcome setbacks?  


Are you a morning person?

This delay brought to you by the letters D and T

Sorry for the blogging delay.  I have a lot of things I want to say, but I have been delayed by this cold, being achy from Pilates, pictures of David Tennant in MAAN, watching copious amounts of Lie to me doing my dissertation reading, and just life and being busy.

I should be back tomorrow evening or Friday day with posts on last night's #fitblog chat, how my workouts are going, and a possible weigh in.

Sunday's workout

Today was supposed to be a practice dry run for my upcoming 5K.   It was not very promising.  I had got 5 minutes in my walk to the park and my hip was killing.  I tried stretching and all sorts of movement to get it to feel right, and I could just not get it aligned.

View of University of Glasgow from within Kelvingrove Park

Once I got to the park and began the running portion, it was not good.  I managed 1.5/4 out of the running portions of week 3 day 1 of C25K.  Granted I have not run outside in about a year and all the running I have been doing over the past 2-3 weeks has been on the treadmill, but I know I will be walking most of Sunday's 5K.

It will be so much easier if I can lose weight (quickly) and keep it off to run, and to do anything.

Tomorrow's workout is a pilates class and either walking or biking.  I also need to start to figure out a way to get to the gym once this bus pass runs out.  The bus pass costs more than the gym membership!

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Total mileage today: 5.79 miles

All about me

After participating in last night's #fitblog on twitter (hosted beautifully by Skinny Emmie!) I got a ton of new followers.  Hopefully this will translate to new followers and commenters here!  So I figured I would post an about me.  If you know me, feel free to move along.

I don't know where to begin really.  I was born and raised in MA, USA.  Up until last September, I lived in Boston as a substitute teacher.  (I'm a licensed teacher in MA, in elementary education- but there are few jobs.) I am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland getting my second Masters in education.  I will be spending the summer working on my dissertation on school bullying.

I've applied to the PhD program here and am waiting on finding out if I've been accepted.  If so,  I will be researching bullying and its effects on upper primary grade children.  If I am not accepted, I will be having a nervous breakdown figuring out what I am going to do come September.

I've always been overweight.  In 1999 I started working out and eating better (and a lot less) and lost 85 pounds.  I didn't keep up the healthy lifestyle for a variety of reasons and over the past 10 years have gained all the weight back.

I tried several different diets, and in 2003 I went on Optifast.  I got really ill on this diet and didn't lose much weight at all (~10lbs), despite eating less than 900 calories a day and running 3 days a week.  Since then I have suffered from severe daily headaches that can leave me bedridden and miserable.  I have had countless tests and have seen 5 different neurologists.  The diagnoses range from chronic daily headache syndrome to chronic daily migraines.  Not one of the 5 doctors have had a definitive diagnosis or agreed with one another. It is frustrating, but I try to manage as best as I can.

Earlier last year I had been doing a lot better weight wise and right before I had breast reduction surgery in July.  After moving to Scotland and then losing my mum earlier this year, I've managed to gain a lot of weight despite trying various diet plans and recently going back to the gym.  I am assuming that this has to do with me eating my emotions and not dealing with how I am feeling over moving and losing my mum.  I mostly think I really like food and eating it- I just need to re-learn how to do it in moderation and not lose control.

Right now I am trying to get back into regular workouts as I love how it makes me feel (especially spinning), but I have a hard time staying motivated when I don't see any results.  (I know I shouldn't expect to see a lot of results in 2 weeks, but I had hoped to have found I hadn't *gained* even more weight.)

Questions?  Comments?  Fire away!

Yesterday/today catchup

1. Workout- I had no desire to do anything yesterday but I needed to pick up my prescription at uni, so I had to go out.  I walked to uni and then got the bus to the gym.

I did about 25 mins of upper body and then C25K.  I was VERY sweaty at the end.  I wanted to spin some but both bikes were being used and the class was full so I walked to the bus and then headed home.  Not bad.  :)

I ordered a new Polar HRM that is more up to date and will help me better train.  I can't wait to get my Polar FT7 HRM!


2. Grad school-I did meet with my professor on Thursday and he was totally fine that I hadn't gotten very far.  We discussed some changes and I will be making for the paper and what else needs to be done.  I also ran into some of my classmates and they hadn't done anything really either, so I don't feel bad or behind anymore.  So I have 20,000 words to write for it.  Good times.  I have a TON of research done already.  Just need to read it all.

3. Stephanie finished a big paper yesterday so we went out for dinner.  I had grilled chicken and it came with a grilled veggie tart.  It was delish.  I also had some chips- b/c the chips at the Curler's Rest are so delish.  And as a treat we had ice cream at the only Coldstone in Glasgow.  I had tiramisu.  Yum.   :)

4.  Today it's raining.  It's miserable out and I have no desire to go out in it.  I did walk a quick 2 miles to Boots and back to get my prescription and some coffee.  My ankle is really tender today so staying off it seems like a good idea.  Tomorrow I booked into a Body Pump class and that should be a good workout.

As for the rest of today- Doctor Who at 6:45 and some reading.  A nice, quiet, lazy day.

Anxiety ridden

I woke up this morning filled with anxiety.  I am so worried about the next few months and what exactly is going to happen.

1.  I have applied for my PhD.  So I either get accepted or not.  I've already been preliminarily approved for funding via loans (so that is good).

1a.  If I get accepted, then all is well, and the anxiety will be over.  Other than writing 70 billion words over the next 3 years.

1b.  If I don't......then what.  I obviously have 3 options.

      2a.  Stay here in Glasgow and find a job (hopefully).  I can stay 2 years on my student visa if I find employment, which may not be easy.  It would also give me a chance to apply to other schools if I decided to go that route.

      2b.  Apply into a teach in the UK/Scotland program (not sure if I would be eligible, since I already have a teaching licence and experience- I need to go to career services and find out).

     2c.  Go back to the US.  If this is the only option, I have no idea what I am going to do.  I don't even know if I will have enough money for a plane ticket home, never mind finding a place to live, a job, etc.  This is my biggest fear b/c if I go back to the US, well...... I don't even know if I can find employment nor will I be eligible for any unemployment, etc as far as I know.  Which means I would probably have less than $100 and that certainly won't last very long.

Granted I should have thought about this a year ago, but I would be in the same position if I still wasn't working or employed full time (last year I was substitute teaching due to the lack of jobs).  I am sure I could get my p/t job back, but that would mean living in or as close to Boston as possible so I could work the p/t job and that is just 3 hours on a Saturday.

*sigh*

I know worrying doesn't help, but these are the realities I am facing.  I just really hope this all works out.

Rainy Monday

Today was a blech kind of day for many reasons.   The rain didn't help matters at all.  It just added to my general sad mood.

We did get grocery shopping out of the way and got plenty of grains and veggies, jammie dodgers and a fez. When we got back I had lunch and debated doing some work, which means I watched last night's L&O CI. (I'm so glad Goren and Eames are back!)

Finally I realized I needed to get to the gym if I was going to work out (which I really didn't want to, since it meant going out in the rain.)  I got my stuff together and got the bus.  Of course, I couldn't remember what stop I needed to get off at, and got off a mile too far away so I had to walk back the way I came in the rain (at least I had my wellies on).

As a result, nothing felt right.  I used the eSpinner and did 1/2 a downloaded spinning workout.  (I had to stop b/c of the time limits on these machines at key hours.)  I debated using the weights but the room was packed.  I had walked the mile + biked 10 miles on the eSpinner, so I called it a day and hit the hot tub.

Totals: appx 60 mins workout, 500 cals burned.  (I forgot to take a picture of my HRM.)

Tomorrow I am having my ankle looked at (again) and I am hoping that I won't have to stop working out now that I've started again.  Tomorrow's workout will probably be weights and Pilates class.

Right now I am just tired and cranky and I just sorted my journal articles by type for my dissertation.  Now if only I could get them all read, notes taken, and my chapter outline done for Thursday it would be very nice.

Saturday's workout

I had a great workout on Saturday.  I did weights for 20 minutes (upper body), 30 minutes on the elliptical, and then another half hour on the treadmill doing C25K. 

The C25K was the hardest by far.  My ankle/foot was not happy about it, and it being the end of the workout, I was getting tired.  At the end as I cooled down, I had taken off my headphones.  I was feeling grumpy and frustrated over how difficult I found doing C25K.  And playing at the gym was the song that had been my mom's ringback tone.  And suddenly I felt a lot better.  :) 

I hope that I will have improved a lot by the time my first 5K comes about on 5th June.  Stephanie and I are doing the Race for Life.  If you are so inclined you can sponsor us here. 

Today is being spent at the library working on my dissertation and research.  My ankle needs the day off. 

How have you gotten  your workout on this weekend?  Are you running any races soon?

And my fellow Whovians, what did you think of The Doctor's Wife?  I thought it was brilliant and the best episode since the Tennant years!

How Cindy got her gym groove back (or at least attempted to)

I will be honest.  The uni gym is not all that it's cracked up to be.  Which is why it's 40 pounds a year.  Granted, I can't complain about spending that money for pretty much 3 workouts.  Whatever.  No worries.  And I haven't gone regularly because 1.  I'm lazy and 2.  it sucks.  It has none of the classes I like and it has like 7 treadmills.  So.......

After walking around London I found I had more energy and felt better and actually lost like 6 pounds on vacation (eating mostly 99's and random food).  So I decided to give Glasgow Club a try.  They have locations all over the city, and some have hot tubs.  (Thank God.)

I headed to the Scotstoun location (a 2 mile walk from home, or a short bus ride).  I signed up and had my induction so I can use the equipment right away.  They have pilates and spinning and I am SO excited.  What was even cooler, is they have an eSpinner.  An eSpinner is a spin bike that you can plug your iPod into and use your own spin workouts/podcasts/or just your own music.  Or you can use a pre-embedded video workout.  I did a bit of both kinds to see what it was like.  I wish Bob Harper did the videos.  The guy doing it is kind of douchey.  But YMMV.

After I walked on the treadmill for a bit to calibrate my Nike+.  (It was already calibrated right!)

And then I soaked in the hot tub.  This is where I miss my old gym, Healthworks and their plushy, clean, plushy, high end, all women, beautiful, perfect club.  (If you live in the Boston area, check them out!!!)  With the giant jacuzzi and shower gel and shampoo in clean showers and the large vanities.... oh I could go ON!  No gym will ever compare to Healthworks, and that is ok.  Beacuse I found a place for a reasonable price for the time being where I can get my spinning and hot tub fix, and hopefully be skinnier in the process.

How am I supposed to feel?

I am so full of a litany of emotions lately. I have no idea how I am supposed to feel. What were those 5 stages of grief House gave to Cameron? (not that I relate to Cameron at all but I kind of did then.) I think I am somewhere between anger and depression. IDK.

I feel lonely and isolated and filled with regret. No one seems to be talking to me, it seems. I don't know if it is because people do not know what to say to me, or feel that I made a mistake in not going back home for the funeral, that I am a bad daughter/sister/friend/anything under the sun.

I don't know if I making the right decisions anymore. I don't know anything anymore.


I don't even know how I'm supposed feel anymore. I didn't expect to feel so empty.

Edinburgh

Yesterday, despite a late start, kyrina and I went to Edinburgh.  Considering what has gone on lately and my professors told me to relax this week and I have wanted to see more of Scotland, we decided that we'd start off in Edinburgh.  (in a week or 2 we are going to St. Andrews)

We took the train in and I wanted to take a bus tour of the city.  I like the views and it was a nice day.  We decided to get off at the first stop for tea and to go to the weaving museum (where we got to see a LOT of tartans including MacDonald (and Fraser) LOL) and kilts and all things Scottish.

When we went back to get the bus we found that we were too late for the last bus :(  (maybe next time, even though Steph doesn't like bus tours - I think they are fun and are a nice way to see the city and then decide where to go.)

We walked around, popped in lots of little shops and then went to the World's End.  I was excited b/c I had read about this pub in the Outlander series, and I tried to imagine Jamie, Claire, Ian, and Rollo sitting by the fire, enjoying a drink.

We walked around some more and took a haunted tour given by Burke of Burke and Hare.  It was fascinating, if a bit cheesy, but delightful all the same.  I was exhausted after that so we headed back home.  (I couldn't believe it cost 30p to have a pee at the train station!)  LMAO!

Pictures are here!  :)

New new new new new neuro

Yes, this was neuro #5.  He seemed pleasant enough, but did cut me off a few times when I was explaining some of the medical history and he also declined a copy of the records I had brought with me.

He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).

Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura).  I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines.  He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone.  Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache?  *shrugs*

I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced.  (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35.  Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.


So the plan is...

Continue Venlafaxine in am.  Currently continue ativan.  Add flunarizine as a preventative at night.  For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER.  He also wants me to stop the ativan.  I should be titrated off it, he said.  I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help?  He said there was nothing that could be prescribed.  So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it?  I don't believe that for a second.  I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area.  My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started.  I need help with the anxiety.  It isn't a joke.  He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin.  FUN TIEMS AHEAD.  (or not)

Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .

Sunday walk

Steph and I took an almost 5 mile walk today, down Byres Rd, through the Botanic Gardens, up Great Western Road, and back around campus.  We stopped at little shops, for lunch, and then the library, before the final stop at M&S Food for dinner noms (cod and Greek salad).

Pictures from today's walk....you can even see flowers starting to poke up from the ground!

 

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Sunday blues and what I got up to Saturday

I've had this headache for what seems forever, only getting minor relief.  All week going to the workshop was torture.  I wasn't sleeping b/c of the pain (that and my shoulder) which made getting up at 7 not so fun.  I am glad it is over.  I really didn't get much out of it, until Thursday and I still have no idea what my assignment is going to be on.

I managed to struggle out to the shops w/ Steph yesterday.  First, we went to the farmers market down the hill and it was very cute and I had a lovely fresh scone.  We got some all natural soaps and oat bars as well.

Then we went to Buchanan b/c I needed to pick up my new glasses.  They were there, and I also picked up some makeup and more meds and other assorted things.

We poked around the area for a bit, popped into Forbidden Planet and then headed home.  On the way home I convinced her to stop and be all girly and get a manicure.  :)

I had a plan to finish my paper last night, but my head was being unreasonable in the evening so I spent half the time in the dark, and the other half we watched the first 2 episodes of Sherlock (again).

Today I have to finish my research proposal and read for Tuesday.  Neither of which are at the top of my list.  I hope I can get through at least finishing the paper without my head exploding.

 

Update

It's been a busy week, starting off with a Burns night supper, lectures and meetings with classmates, and appointments.  I got my big assignment back related to my dissertation and did very well!  I am very pleased.  Now I must finish my proposal and move on to contacting schools and whatnot to get started!

I did finally get an update on my mum.

Ok.  So.  She has undefined carcinoma.  They were unable to find the primary site of the cancer- so the liver seems to be the secondary.  It is very early, but cannot give a stage b/c they can't find the primary site.  They believe that it was "female cancer" to begin but that it stopped growing and moved on to the liver.  All the other tests are fine and clean and etc.

Chemo will begin 1x/week starting next week.  After they see how that goes it will be 2x/week every 3 weeks.

She seems ok with this, and no one said that there should be any worry at this stage.  Of course it would be nice if they could find the primary site, but..... they are continuing to lool but everything continues to be normal.

So......yeah.

 

Keep on keeping on...

Life is complicated.  My mom is in the hospital back home.    So I have been rather stressed about all of this, obviously.  Some of you are in the loop, and some are not and I am trying not to think about it at the moment, b/c I just get too overwhelmed.  I'm waiting to hear a definite definite and then I can commence freaking out again.

Not to mention the fact I have a ton of school work to deal with and that isn't helping stress levels.  Part of me wants to jump on the first plane home, but until I have all the facts, it isn't reasonable.  But the first sign of any issue I will.

So I am just keeping on keeping on.