Sunday's workout

Today was supposed to be a practice dry run for my upcoming 5K.   It was not very promising.  I had got 5 minutes in my walk to the park and my hip was killing.  I tried stretching and all sorts of movement to get it to feel right, and I could just not get it aligned.

View of University of Glasgow from within Kelvingrove Park

Once I got to the park and began the running portion, it was not good.  I managed 1.5/4 out of the running portions of week 3 day 1 of C25K.  Granted I have not run outside in about a year and all the running I have been doing over the past 2-3 weeks has been on the treadmill, but I know I will be walking most of Sunday's 5K.

It will be so much easier if I can lose weight (quickly) and keep it off to run, and to do anything.

Tomorrow's workout is a pilates class and either walking or biking.  I also need to start to figure out a way to get to the gym once this bus pass runs out.  The bus pass costs more than the gym membership!

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Total mileage today: 5.79 miles

Rainy Monday

Today was a blech kind of day for many reasons.   The rain didn't help matters at all.  It just added to my general sad mood.

We did get grocery shopping out of the way and got plenty of grains and veggies, jammie dodgers and a fez. When we got back I had lunch and debated doing some work, which means I watched last night's L&O CI. (I'm so glad Goren and Eames are back!)

Finally I realized I needed to get to the gym if I was going to work out (which I really didn't want to, since it meant going out in the rain.)  I got my stuff together and got the bus.  Of course, I couldn't remember what stop I needed to get off at, and got off a mile too far away so I had to walk back the way I came in the rain (at least I had my wellies on).

As a result, nothing felt right.  I used the eSpinner and did 1/2 a downloaded spinning workout.  (I had to stop b/c of the time limits on these machines at key hours.)  I debated using the weights but the room was packed.  I had walked the mile + biked 10 miles on the eSpinner, so I called it a day and hit the hot tub.

Totals: appx 60 mins workout, 500 cals burned.  (I forgot to take a picture of my HRM.)

Tomorrow I am having my ankle looked at (again) and I am hoping that I won't have to stop working out now that I've started again.  Tomorrow's workout will probably be weights and Pilates class.

Right now I am just tired and cranky and I just sorted my journal articles by type for my dissertation.  Now if only I could get them all read, notes taken, and my chapter outline done for Thursday it would be very nice.

another week gone

and another 2lbs up.  :(  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.

The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me.  I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can't be bothered to put on a mask.  I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.

I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.

Living sucks.  I don't know how to do it anymore.  I don 't know how to cope.  I don't know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.

I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum.....  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

Bleurg

Bleurg.  This weight loss and exercise keeps getting derailed.  First, my shoulder (which still isn't back to normal), my ankle (which is starting to get better), and my never ending headaches.

My weight is up again- only a pound, but still.  I have now gained 30 pounds since my surgery in July.  NOT THE RIGHT WAY AROUND.

I'm trying a few things out to see if it helps.  I am starting to taper off on some of my meds to see if they are affecting my weight gain.  We got a stability ball and a mini trampoline that I can use at home.  I downloaded some Tae Bo and I am going to try to get to a spinning class this week.  I am walking more, as much as my ankle will let me- as it heals.

I would really like to be down to 200 by the end of the month- which is not likely to happen but I would like it before I go to London- to look and feel better about myself.

New new new new new neurologist

Yes, this was neuro #5.  He seemed pleasant enough, but did cut me off a few times when I was explaining some of the medical history and he also declined a copy of the records I had brought with me.

He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).

Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura).  I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines.  He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone.  Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache?  *shrugs*

I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced.  (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35.  Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.


So the plan is...

Continue Venlafaxine in am.  Currently continue ativan.  Add flunarizine as a preventative at night.  For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER.  He also wants me to stop the ativan.  I should be titrated off it, he said.  I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help?  He said there was nothing that could be prescribed.  So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it?  I don't believe that for a second.  I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area.  My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started.  I need help with the anxiety.  It isn't a joke.  He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin.  FUN TIEMS AHEAD.  (or not)

Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .

There is more to healthy than what is on the scale

While I find myself obsessing over the number all the time, I know there are other things I can do to help get me/keep me healthy.  Today I tackled one of them.

I went to the dentist.

Now, I hate the dentist.  I didn't really go much as a kid, and as an adult, once I had insurance I was there all the time making up for 15 years + of lost time.  Then in my early 20's I got braces to fully take care of my very damaged and crooked teeth.

Since then they have been ok, a few cavities here and there.  But when I lost full time employment in MA, I lost dental coverage.  So I hadn't been to the dentist in about 2 years.  I just couldn't afford the $60 + for cleanings, not to mention what fillings would cost out of pocket.

I had a consult and some xrays today and found that in one of my upper teeth there needs to be a major filling replacement.  It's loose and grimy and it is an issue I have had with this tooth before, so it is no surprise.   They are also going to fix my very chipped tooth in front, so finally after 7-8 years without braces, that last bit will be complete.   They are also offering a teeth whitening special, but there is no way I can afford it.  I can hardly afford the treatment I have to have now (169 quid!) but I can tell that the fillings are loose and need to be replaced ASAP before I have more problems.

Tomorrow's health adventure is my neuro consult (finally).  I got on the phone and called them today asking why I hadn't been contacted yet, and they had an opening for tomorrow, so I grabbed it.  Hopefully, whoever I see can fix this 4 year long headache, or at the very least, give me some good drugs.  ;)

Let's hope I can also get in touch with the physio people so I can have my shoulder professionally evaluated as well, so working out is easier, and far less painful.

Weigh in #1

Today was my first weigh in.  I lost 1 pound.  :(  I had hoped it would be more.

I am doing ok with the WW points.  I ate all the weekly points, but not all of the exercise points as I was not sure if I was making 100% entries since some things weren't on the lists and I didn't always have the calorie info.  Funny, after I entered my weight today, the online system told me I had one less point to eat per day now.

I feel like this will take forever, as WW has me ending up between 7-9 stone as a final weight.  *sigh*

Hopefully next week will be better.

I went to the gym twice, and took a long walk, and another long walk today.   We walked down Byres road, through the Arboretum, and then back up along Great Western Road and then through campus and back home.

Some pics from today's walk:

[gallery]

medical update

Tomorrow it will be six months since my breast reduction.  Scary.  They have healed nicely- some scarring, but I was never worried about that.  They are bigger than I hoped, but I hope some of that can be taken care of with exercise.

I went to the physio open house re: my shoulder today.  I am on the wait list for an assessment and a final determination as to whether or not this is frozen shoulder.    I have all the criteria.  So I have to wait on that.

My foot still isn't any better even with inserts and wearing trainers instead of fun boots.  *eyeroll*   I will give it another few days and then contact the GP and be like ok, this has gone on long enough.

Still waiting for neuro consult.  *eyeroll*

Weight so far this week is stable.  Yesterday sucked eating wise b/c I overslept and didn't have time to make anything (not that I had food to make) and had fast-ish food and then by the time I got home from school I was starving and then we fell asleep and ended up getting Chinese takeout.  Mine is noodles and veggies and of course they didn't listen to NO SAUCE AT ALL and did add it so I had to wash it all off as best as I can, take a ton of antihistamines and hoped for the best.

Right now all I want is a nap

frustrating week

This weight loss thing is just not working out for me.  I am trying.  I am eating FAR less, walking around more.  Yet, every day the scale goes up.

I know I shouldn't worry about the changes in one day but over a week......?  It is just frustrating and stressful.  And we are not talking tons of calories per day 1200-1600 on average which should be showing losses, small perhaps, but not a 6lb gain.

I hope this week is better than last.

This weight loss thing is just not working out for me.  I am trying.  I am eating FAR less, walking around more.  Yet, every day the scale goes up.

I know I shouldn't worry about the changes in one day but over a week......?  It is just frustrating and stressful.  And we are not talking tons of calories per day 1200-1600 on average which should be showing losses, small perhaps, but not a 5lb gain.

I hope this week is better than last.

Starting over: Day 1

7/1/11

Had a nice lay in and finally got up and went to a place that does half priced lunches.  I had a veggie/chic pea sandwich which was delish.  It came with fries, and I didn't eat them all.

After we checked out charity shops, finding lots of goodies, got groceries and came home.



I made some grilled veggies and then I was tired so I ended up napping for a bit, and got up and made us some boring pizza, for dinner.  Steph is working on her paper and I watched the Tom Petty documentary on BBC4.  I had some crumpets and then some crisps b/c I am so hungry right now.  My eating/sleeping schedule needs to get back on track!

Emotional

(Again I ramble.  My apologies.  I'm writing from the heart here; all my logic has been lost on my 4000 word paper.)

I'm an emotional wreck today.  The painters are in (LMAO I love that euphemism) and that has a lot to do with it.  There is also this issue of a 4000 word paper due tomorrow that I feel is shite.

Alas, that is not the real reason I'm emotional.   At least not 100% of it.  I feel overwhelmed.  I feel confused.  I'm scared. I feel sad and lonely and I miss my family and my best friend and my other close friends.  And unfortunately my gf ends up bearing the brunt of my irrationality.  Which isn't right or fair.  So I am trying to do all my sad song listening, Vale Decem sobbing, and more sobbing while she isn't home.

Fear and shame have driven me inside myself since June of 2004 and I am not sure I can ever find the person I was 4 years before that- the person who I liked (and perhaps was liked in return) and was confident and happy (I thought, at least somewhat happy) and while I was still as emotional and needy and whiny and whatnot then, I was thin and I had a great life ahead of me.  So I thought.  I also wasn't scared to go out in public, well in bigger public than the grocery store or be in a social situation. (Not that there have been many of them in the past few years- and every time there is one, there doesn't seem to be enough Ativan to cope.)

I found out then, that for the few months I was "thin," that it didn't change my life.  I didn't have a million dollars.  I didn't have a boyfriend who looked like Tom Brady with the humanity(and voice) of David Tennant and the humour of Dustin Pedroia.  I had a nicer body that I worked hard for, but everything else stayed the same.  I still had to pay the bills and take out the trash.  I still made bad decisions.  Really, really horrible, bad decisions. (One that I can't forgive myself for.) I still cried. I still was scared to be alone.

And here I am 10 years later. I may have achieved a lot (of weight gain once again) and I may have earned my M.Ed, but I still haven't found my place.  Due to economics or me just being me, I haven't had a job longer than 2 school years.  And now with cuts across the globe, I'm ever more worried about prospects after I finish my second Master's degree and where I will end up.

Will 2011 be my year?  Will they find a reason and a fix for my headaches?  Will I be able to go out to a social event without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me and laughing at me? (and can I do it sans meds?) And will I have to do it alone?  I hope not.

Day 11

No weight today.  I had a bad night's sleep and I wasn 't thinking when I woke up as a blizzard was raging outside.

Headache is not good and my chest is sore.  Either I pulled something when I slipped on the ice, my surgery site is swelling, or I have PMT.  Or all 3.

GLASGOW PLOW YOUR FRIGGING STREETS AND GRIT YOUR SIDEWALKS!

/end rant

Now it isn't my place to tell a foreign city how to run themselves, but for the love of Rasillon, they need to do something soon before someone gets hurt.  Namely me. I shouldn't be risking my life for some bloody crumpets.

I was walking down Byres Rd, minding my own business, drinking my latte and trying not to fall on the icy, slushy sidewalk when out of the blue a car jumps the curb and nearly runs down the pedestrians, myself included.

I love how pretty the snow looks and all the festiveness and whatnot, but I would like to be able to enjoy it without breaking my neck.

It would be nice now that I want to workout to be able to get to the gym.  I need to see if I have big, old books or a milk crate to use as a stepper so I can step and watch tv.  I need to get moving b/c if this ice doesn't melt I'm never leaving the flat again.

Day 10

208 ugh fml

Today I went out and did some Christmas shopping and walked around Buchanan.  On my return I got off at Hillhead and went and got fresh veggies and fruit and walked home from there, popping into the charity shops on the way.

 

I got some adorable things for my girlfriend and have a few more things I need to get, but my hands were full as it was with the other packages and the fruit and veg.

 

I hope this week is better for me, and I get back to feeling more like me.

Feeling a little better

I'm feeling a little better today.  The sun was out and despite the wind and the pollen, I felt better overall.

I did wake up really early at 4, my back and stomach hurting and I couldn't get comfortable.  Ugh.

My food intake was ok; other than the school cookies {I need to go on another cookie ban!} I had a great turkey salad for dinner.  I did a lot of housework; cleaning, vacuuming, moving stuff, recycling old stuff and sorting stuff I don't need or am going to sell.  

Weight was back down a few today.  Phew.

I hope to get to spinning tomorrow!

breakfast:
iced coffee
multigrain bagel

lunch:
clif bar
fat free yogurt
3 small choc. chip cookies

dinner:
turkey salad
1/2 small pita bread

Long time update

It's been a while since I have updated.  Whoa.

I'm still in the 180's.  I was 188 the other day; the lowest I have seen was 186.

I am fitting in a 10-12.  My clothes are definitely fitting better.  I had a top on today that usually gapes, and did not.  

I have been working out more, walking and finally getting back to the gym.

Sunday:  32 mins on the treadmill as part of the couch to 5K plan and then another half hour or so on the cybex
Monday:  Walked in and out of Coolidge corner, about 3-4 miles of walking
Tuesday: 40 mins on the elliptical [would have been longer, but time was short today]

I'm trying to eat less, get more protein and fiber.  Some days are better than others.  Working has kept me busy and I think that has a lot to do why I have been able to lose some weight.  Also more coffee LOL.  

I hope to be able to keep this up and lose more weight by the end of the school year.  I would be happy to get to 180 by then, since I lose weight so slowly with the PCOS and the headaches and whatnot.  I will take what I can get.  

EDIT:  Also when I was at work on Saturday I was asked how much I weigh- over 200?  I said no, and the kid was like what 199?  I joked it off but I was kind of ticked off.  *sigh*

Still trying to make this right

I'm still trying and struggling.  I have lost 20 pounds since August, which is great.  I need to get focused and stop eating crap with no value in it.  I need to try harder.  I know I do.  I have been working so much and when I get home I cant get motivated to do a thing.  

So this week I am going to try to work out more and eat better.  I'm going to make sure I eat fruits and veggies and less processed foods and try green monster smoothies. 

Knowing you can do something and choosing to do it are such different things. 

*sigh*

Update

I've been amiss posting here again. I was sick from Black Friday until yesterday, so I wasn't eating so there wasn't much to say.

Thanksgiving was ok, I didn't eat a lot. The most I ate was sweet potatoes, and I suppose there are worse things to eat a little too much of.

I'm hoping to workout today, but I am not going to beat myself up if I still feel too weak and lightheaded.

My goal for December is to do Jillian Michael's 30 day shred.

194, at least the scale moving in the right direction.

drive by post

 I've been sick the past 2 days so not much of eating I didn't puke up TMI I know.

In srs pain and anxiety with it..... a lot of withdrawl symptoms.  :(

It was a mess.

I ended up in the from 4 yesterday until 2 this morning.  What a nightmare.

Today: 199.5 :)

I feel better now and  I hope to get back on track tomorrow.