I read a lot of blogs. Today's post by Bitch Cakes, really hit home, like a lot of blog entries sometimes do not. She talked about encountering and facing her childhood bully.
Now like many people out there who were "different," I was bullied, teased and made fun of. As a kid and teen, I was overweight, didn't have the right clothes, didn't know how to talk to others, and was pretty much a social recluse, to anyone other than my closest friends. I was an easy target, and I fell for it every time. I was miserable.
One day in 8th grade a group of girls who I considered friends left me a note at the lunch table we sat at telling me to go away, (in various languages) and said they had no more use for me. I was devastated. I fell into a deep depression. I didn't want to go to school, and was all but truant. When I went to school, I hid in the bathroom at lunchtime b/c I was scared, lonely, and ashamed. I even tried to commit suicide I was so upset and alone.
In the end I was caught hiding in the bathroom, things changed, I made new friends, and I grew to care less about what people thought of me, or at least pretended to on the outside.
But Bitch Cake's post made me think about my response to all of this and how I've plotted revenge over the years on the ringleader of the entire incident, of how I've wanted to even the score of those who hurt my feelings and made me a laughingstock later on in high school.
But now, a little part of me makes me wonder if that is worth it? I am sure I am have more education than all of them now (being on my second Masters and all and thinking of pursing my PhD.) While I may not have a husband and kids and a white picket fence, I do have something now, that they can't take away. And that is something to think about.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
16 April 2011
10 April 2011
another week gone
and another 2lbs up. :( I have no idea what is wrong with me. It makes me want to cry.
I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.
All I want to do is eat. Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.
That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts. Everything hurts. My shoulder, my head, my ankle.
I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.
All I want to do is eat. Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.
That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts. Everything hurts. My shoulder, my head, my ankle.
The scale keeps going up and up and up and it makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist. Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me. I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore. It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore. I have to look at myself to put it on. And I can't be bothered to put on a mask. I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.
I should be close my goal weight by now. Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.
Living sucks. I don't know how to do it anymore. I don 't know how to cope. I don't know how to be happy. I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it. Just walking to uni is exhausting. Just getting up is exhausting. Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.
I am just so drained and emotional. I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right. I just miss my mum..... no more phone calls or birthday cards. No more Red Sox games. I just want to hear her voice. I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself. And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok. Just one more time.
20 March 2011
Update
I've been back in Glasgow a week, but I really haven't had much to say. I left last Saturday afternoon, and my mum passed away a few hours after. :( I haven't really been in a "healthy" mindframe, nor have I been extremely off track. I've been on several walks since I got back, but I haven't made the best choices in snacks either. I've just been too distracted mentally not to mention jet lagged earlier in the week.
I am hoping this week is better for working out and eating. Of course I have some sort of cold thing that is making me run down as anything and I feel like crap, so the exercising might have to wait- again. Unless I wake up tomorrow and feel 100% better of course.
I have yet to weigh myself this week b/c I totally forgot today, but I did weigh last week and was up 2 lbs but considering the lack of healthy food and no $ at home and travel and the stress, that wasn't bad at all.
I am hoping this week is better for working out and eating. Of course I have some sort of cold thing that is making me run down as anything and I feel like crap, so the exercising might have to wait- again. Unless I wake up tomorrow and feel 100% better of course.
I have yet to weigh myself this week b/c I totally forgot today, but I did weigh last week and was up 2 lbs but considering the lack of healthy food and no $ at home and travel and the stress, that wasn't bad at all.
27 February 2011
Weigh in #2
Starting weight: 15 stone 4
Last week: 15 stone 3
This week: 15 stone
Horray me! Even with all this stress and whatnot, and my eating not being perfect and having not made it to the gym (0r even out of bed one day) I did lose weight. I know I didn't eat all of my 49'ers this week but came close. There were some things I had no idea now many points were in, and just made sure I mentally deducted like 15 points to give myself room, etc....
I also started several new meds and stopped some other ones for my headaches (now chronic migraines, or chronic daily headache with migranious tendencies). No idea how these will affect weight loss as I only started them mid week.
That being said I am worried about being home and still being able to be on track with the crap that is always there. Granted I am sure I will be stressed and when I get THAT stressed I feel to sick to eat.
I'm leaving Glasgow to head back to Boston tomorrow morning. I am scared and stressed out of my mind. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to lose my mum. :(
(So if there are no updates, that is why. )
Last week: 15 stone 3
This week: 15 stone
Horray me! Even with all this stress and whatnot, and my eating not being perfect and having not made it to the gym (0r even out of bed one day) I did lose weight. I know I didn't eat all of my 49'ers this week but came close. There were some things I had no idea now many points were in, and just made sure I mentally deducted like 15 points to give myself room, etc....
I also started several new meds and stopped some other ones for my headaches (now chronic migraines, or chronic daily headache with migranious tendencies). No idea how these will affect weight loss as I only started them mid week.
That being said I am worried about being home and still being able to be on track with the crap that is always there. Granted I am sure I will be stressed and when I get THAT stressed I feel to sick to eat.
I'm leaving Glasgow to head back to Boston tomorrow morning. I am scared and stressed out of my mind. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to lose my mum. :(
(So if there are no updates, that is why. )
Weigh in #2
Starting weight: 15 stone 4
Last week: 15 stone 3
This week: 15 stone
Horray me! Even with all this stress and whatnot, and my eating not being perfect and having not made it to the gym (0r even out of bed one day) I did lose weight. I know I didn't eat all of my 49'ers this week but came close. There were some things I had no idea now many points were in, and just made sure I mentally deducted like 15 points to give myself room, etc....
I also started several new meds and stopped some other ones for my headaches (now chronic migraines, or chronic daily headache with migranious tendencies). No idea how these will affect weight loss as I only started them mid week.
That being said I am worried about being home and still being able to be on track with the crap that is always there. Granted I am sure I will be stressed and when I get THAT stressed I feel to sick to eat.
I'm leaving Glasgow to head back to Boston tomorrow morning. I am scared and stressed out of my mind. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to lose my mum. :(
(So if there are no updates, that is why. )
Last week: 15 stone 3
This week: 15 stone
Horray me! Even with all this stress and whatnot, and my eating not being perfect and having not made it to the gym (0r even out of bed one day) I did lose weight. I know I didn't eat all of my 49'ers this week but came close. There were some things I had no idea now many points were in, and just made sure I mentally deducted like 15 points to give myself room, etc....
I also started several new meds and stopped some other ones for my headaches (now chronic migraines, or chronic daily headache with migranious tendencies). No idea how these will affect weight loss as I only started them mid week.
That being said I am worried about being home and still being able to be on track with the crap that is always there. Granted I am sure I will be stressed and when I get THAT stressed I feel to sick to eat.
I'm leaving Glasgow to head back to Boston tomorrow morning. I am scared and stressed out of my mind. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to lose my mum. :(
(So if there are no updates, that is why. )
16 December 2010
Emotional
(Again I ramble. My apologies. I'm writing from the heart here; all my logic has been lost on my 4000 word paper.)
I'm an emotional wreck today. The painters are in (LMAO I love that euphemism) and that has a lot to do with it. There is also this issue of a 4000 word paper due tomorrow that I feel is shite.
Alas, that is not the real reason I'm emotional. At least not 100% of it. I feel overwhelmed. I feel confused. I'm scared. I feel sad and lonely and I miss my family and my best friend and my other close friends. And unfortunately my gf ends up bearing the brunt of my irrationality. Which isn't right or fair. So I am trying to do all my sad song listening, Vale Decem sobbing, and more sobbing while she isn't home.
Fear and shame have driven me inside myself since June of 2004 and I am not sure I can ever find the person I was 4 years before that- the person who I liked (and perhaps was liked in return) and was confident and happy (I thought, at least somewhat happy) and while I was still as emotional and needy and whiny and whatnot then, I was thin and I had a great life ahead of me. So I thought. I also wasn't scared to go out in public, well in bigger public than the grocery store or be in a social situation. (Not that there have been many of them in the past few years- and every time there is one, there doesn't seem to be enough Ativan to cope.)
I found out then, that for the few months I was "thin," that it didn't change my life. I didn't have a million dollars. I didn't have a boyfriend who looked like Tom Brady with the humanity(and voice) of David Tennant and the humour of Dustin Pedroia. I had a nicer body that I worked hard for, but everything else stayed the same. I still had to pay the bills and take out the trash. I still made bad decisions. Really, really horrible, bad decisions. (One that I can't forgive myself for.) I still cried. I still was scared to be alone.
And here I am 10 years later. I may have achieved a lot (of weight gain once again) and I may have earned my M.Ed, but I still haven't found my place. Due to economics or me just being me, I haven't had a job longer than 2 school years. And now with cuts across the globe, I'm ever more worried about prospects after I finish my second Master's degree and where I will end up.
Will 2011 be my year? Will they find a reason and a fix for my headaches? Will I be able to go out to a social event without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me and laughing at me? (and can I do it sans meds?) And will I have to do it alone? I hope not.
I'm an emotional wreck today. The painters are in (LMAO I love that euphemism) and that has a lot to do with it. There is also this issue of a 4000 word paper due tomorrow that I feel is shite.
Alas, that is not the real reason I'm emotional. At least not 100% of it. I feel overwhelmed. I feel confused. I'm scared. I feel sad and lonely and I miss my family and my best friend and my other close friends. And unfortunately my gf ends up bearing the brunt of my irrationality. Which isn't right or fair. So I am trying to do all my sad song listening, Vale Decem sobbing, and more sobbing while she isn't home.
Fear and shame have driven me inside myself since June of 2004 and I am not sure I can ever find the person I was 4 years before that- the person who I liked (and perhaps was liked in return) and was confident and happy (I thought, at least somewhat happy) and while I was still as emotional and needy and whiny and whatnot then, I was thin and I had a great life ahead of me. So I thought. I also wasn't scared to go out in public, well in bigger public than the grocery store or be in a social situation. (Not that there have been many of them in the past few years- and every time there is one, there doesn't seem to be enough Ativan to cope.)
I found out then, that for the few months I was "thin," that it didn't change my life. I didn't have a million dollars. I didn't have a boyfriend who looked like Tom Brady with the humanity(and voice) of David Tennant and the humour of Dustin Pedroia. I had a nicer body that I worked hard for, but everything else stayed the same. I still had to pay the bills and take out the trash. I still made bad decisions. Really, really horrible, bad decisions. (One that I can't forgive myself for.) I still cried. I still was scared to be alone.
And here I am 10 years later. I may have achieved a lot (of weight gain once again) and I may have earned my M.Ed, but I still haven't found my place. Due to economics or me just being me, I haven't had a job longer than 2 school years. And now with cuts across the globe, I'm ever more worried about prospects after I finish my second Master's degree and where I will end up.
Will 2011 be my year? Will they find a reason and a fix for my headaches? Will I be able to go out to a social event without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me and laughing at me? (and can I do it sans meds?) And will I have to do it alone? I hope not.
18 October 2009
Less I've been lax in my posting
I've been really down on myself since the dr visit that wasn't, so I haven't been to the gym and I haven't really been in the mood to think about anything actually. I know I shouldn't let a number on the scale dictate my life. I do know that, but I have just been bummed out and depressed and I need to get out of this funk I'm in. I have a gym plan for the week, and I am going to achieve it. I know I can. And hopefully, that will help get me out of this funk/depression/mess I'm in. I'm also going to be setting up a few sessions with my trainer and have her kick my ass, hard!
This week's weigh in at home: 200.5. The past 2 days I know I have not been drinking enough water, it was also TOM, and I know I am still off from that. There is also the side effects of the meds as well. I also know I've been not the best on the food front, and I have no one to blame but myself this week. I think that just being so unhappy is not helping matters overall. And only I can change that.
And no more pumpkin spice latte's! Skinny Cinnamon Dolce all the way! Thanks !
This week's workout plan of attack:
Monday:
-spinning 6:30
Tuesday:
-possibility of winning training sessions at the gym
-6:30 yoga and or spinning?
Wednesday:
-wear Healthworks tank and get a free focus session!
-4:30 body pump
Thursday:
-running or elliptical
Friday:
-complimentary chair massage;
5:30 pilates or spinning
today's food log: not very good. I have got to do better.
I didn't wake up until 1:30 pm so I missed breakfast since I slept soooo poorly last night.
lunch:
bagel w/ butter
coffee
dinner:
Ceasar salad (I asked for a garden salad no dressing and I didn't look in the bag until a few hrs after I got home) *eyeroll*
turkey burger patty
2 small breadsticks that came with my salad
This week's weigh in at home: 200.5. The past 2 days I know I have not been drinking enough water, it was also TOM, and I know I am still off from that. There is also the side effects of the meds as well. I also know I've been not the best on the food front, and I have no one to blame but myself this week. I think that just being so unhappy is not helping matters overall. And only I can change that.
And no more pumpkin spice latte's! Skinny Cinnamon Dolce all the way! Thanks !
This week's workout plan of attack:
Monday:
-spinning 6:30
Tuesday:
-possibility of winning training sessions at the gym
-6:30 yoga and or spinning?
Wednesday:
-wear Healthworks tank and get a free focus session!
-4:30 body pump
Thursday:
-running or elliptical
Friday:
-complimentary chair massage;
5:30 pilates or spinning
today's food log: not very good. I have got to do better.
I didn't wake up until 1:30 pm so I missed breakfast since I slept soooo poorly last night.
lunch:
bagel w/ butter
coffee
dinner:
Ceasar salad (I asked for a garden salad no dressing and I didn't look in the bag until a few hrs after I got home) *eyeroll*
turkey burger patty
2 small breadsticks that came with my salad
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