New new new new new neurologist

Yes, this was neuro #5.  He seemed pleasant enough, but did cut me off a few times when I was explaining some of the medical history and he also declined a copy of the records I had brought with me.

He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).

Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura).  I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren't migraines.  He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone.  Doesn't everyone want to do that when they have a headache?  *shrugs*

I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn't convinced.  (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I'm only 35.  Oh God I'm 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn't want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.


So the plan is...

Continue Venlafaxine in am.  Currently continue ativan.  Add flunarizine as a preventative at night.  For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER.  He also wants me to stop the ativan.  I should be titrated off it, he said.  I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help?  He said there was nothing that could be prescribed.  So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it?  I don't believe that for a second.  I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area.  My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started.  I need help with the anxiety.  It isn't a joke.  He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin.  FUN TIEMS AHEAD.  (or not)

Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .

Emotional

(Again I ramble.  My apologies.  I'm writing from the heart here; all my logic has been lost on my 4000 word paper.)

I'm an emotional wreck today.  The painters are in (LMAO I love that euphemism) and that has a lot to do with it.  There is also this issue of a 4000 word paper due tomorrow that I feel is shite.

Alas, that is not the real reason I'm emotional.   At least not 100% of it.  I feel overwhelmed.  I feel confused.  I'm scared. I feel sad and lonely and I miss my family and my best friend and my other close friends.  And unfortunately my gf ends up bearing the brunt of my irrationality.  Which isn't right or fair.  So I am trying to do all my sad song listening, Vale Decem sobbing, and more sobbing while she isn't home.

Fear and shame have driven me inside myself since June of 2004 and I am not sure I can ever find the person I was 4 years before that- the person who I liked (and perhaps was liked in return) and was confident and happy (I thought, at least somewhat happy) and while I was still as emotional and needy and whiny and whatnot then, I was thin and I had a great life ahead of me.  So I thought.  I also wasn't scared to go out in public, well in bigger public than the grocery store or be in a social situation. (Not that there have been many of them in the past few years- and every time there is one, there doesn't seem to be enough Ativan to cope.)

I found out then, that for the few months I was "thin," that it didn't change my life.  I didn't have a million dollars.  I didn't have a boyfriend who looked like Tom Brady with the humanity(and voice) of David Tennant and the humour of Dustin Pedroia.  I had a nicer body that I worked hard for, but everything else stayed the same.  I still had to pay the bills and take out the trash.  I still made bad decisions.  Really, really horrible, bad decisions. (One that I can't forgive myself for.) I still cried. I still was scared to be alone.

And here I am 10 years later. I may have achieved a lot (of weight gain once again) and I may have earned my M.Ed, but I still haven't found my place.  Due to economics or me just being me, I haven't had a job longer than 2 school years.  And now with cuts across the globe, I'm ever more worried about prospects after I finish my second Master's degree and where I will end up.

Will 2011 be my year?  Will they find a reason and a fix for my headaches?  Will I be able to go out to a social event without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me and laughing at me? (and can I do it sans meds?) And will I have to do it alone?  I hope not.

Day 11

No weight today.  I had a bad night's sleep and I wasn 't thinking when I woke up as a blizzard was raging outside.

Headache is not good and my chest is sore.  Either I pulled something when I slipped on the ice, my surgery site is swelling, or I have PMT.  Or all 3.

GLASGOW PLOW YOUR FRIGGING STREETS AND GRIT YOUR SIDEWALKS!

/end rant

Now it isn't my place to tell a foreign city how to run themselves, but for the love of Rasillon, they need to do something soon before someone gets hurt.  Namely me. I shouldn't be risking my life for some bloody crumpets.

I was walking down Byres Rd, minding my own business, drinking my latte and trying not to fall on the icy, slushy sidewalk when out of the blue a car jumps the curb and nearly runs down the pedestrians, myself included.

I love how pretty the snow looks and all the festiveness and whatnot, but I would like to be able to enjoy it without breaking my neck.

It would be nice now that I want to workout to be able to get to the gym.  I need to see if I have big, old books or a milk crate to use as a stepper so I can step and watch tv.  I need to get moving b/c if this ice doesn't melt I'm never leaving the flat again.

Food/Exercise log 12/7/09

Today was a good day. I finally got back to the gym. I was bummed b/c the whirlpool was out for cleaning but I still made it. I took kickboxing and the power abs (15 mins) after it. I know I will be feeling it tomorrow. I wish this class didn't fall right AFTER I go to the chiropractor; I could feel my hip protesting.

Today was not good foodwise. I must be going to get my period (yes TMI I KNOW) any second now b/c all I have been doing is eat, eat, eat today. My food log was out of control by 10 am.

I think I might try following WW points for the rest of the month and see how that goes. I know how many I should be eating so.....

I have plans to spin tomorrow night.

Here is today's horrendous food log.

Breakfast:
skinny vanilla latte
low fat coffee cake

snack:
clif z bar
small bag of Stacy's pita chips

lunch:
leftover chicken in a pot
small cup of digestive health yougurt

snack:
clif bar

snack 3: (I was really hungry before the gym and I had lunch at 11 and it was 3 and class was at 4:30 and I didn't want to not have energy)
clif z bar

dinner:
left over chicken in a pot; it was mostly carrots and tomato with a small piece of chicken
steamed veggies
handful of crackers

Food/exercise log 8/20

Today I had personal training.  I got weighed and had my body fat % measured (nearly half of me is fat awesome sauce!) Ugh.  And measurements were done.  Damn.  I don't remember being this large even when I weighed 25 more pounds.  Ugh.  

Anyways I am supposed to do weight training 3-4 times per week and cardio interval training 4-5 times a week and regular cardio . . .and I am like when I am supposed to do it all and take classes I want to try?  Well I will have plenty of time on my hands after tomorrow when I am no longer working.  Granted I am going to go away for a few days, but still I will be able to work out plenty when I get home and all.

I soaked in the hot tub again but I'd kill for a massage.  My back is killing.

breakfast
viviano smoothie
iced coffee

snack:
cereal bar

lunch:
mc chicken sandwich (i have my period ok, TMI yes, but I wanted something fried)
small fries

snack:
swedish fish (I needed sugar!)

dinner:
salad
1/2 turkey sandwich