Name change and an update

My blogs have had various incarnations over the years.  I started blogging at neophytegirl.net a long time ago, when I had my own domain.  This was many years ago.  I know I had a backup of it sometime ago, but I can't find it.....at least at the moment.  I've had my LJ and now recently I had toocurvyagain at wordpress and abostongirlinglasgow which I merged into one. 

But I think it is time for a change.  I'm still a Boston girl.  I'm still in Glasgow.  But that isn't who I am and it isn't what defines me.  I was going to have a vote or a suggestion entry about what I should change the name of my blog to.  And then I realized, having someone else name it, won't work.

Hence- Cindy's struggles.  That is my name, and well my life has been a series of struggles. 

So that is that.

The London trip was fun and packed and yes, I met David Tennant and Catherine Tate.  The play was brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant- I want to go back and see it again and again (and if I can get down there to see it again, I will- after my dissertation is done, of course!)  I hope to get to write up about the play ASAP.

As far as the healthiness journey goes, I'm working on eliminating gluten to see if it helps with the headaches.  I hope to get back to the gym this week as well.  If it doesn't happen, I am not going to stress too much over it as I believe I have about 2 weeks to finish my dissertation, and that has to come first.  I will have plenty of time afterwards.

How do you deal with stress, deadlines, and workouts?

Fitblog from June 7th

I'm still blog catchup from last week when I was sick.

Q1. What current thought keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

I feel currently like I am a failure.  I'm at my highest weight.  I can't seem to get on a routine.  Even when I am working out and eating well, I am not losing weight.  I have been to doctors and all they tell me is to keep trying, that there is nothing wrong with me.  Maybe there isn't but it doesn't make me any less frustrated when just going up stairs makes me want to collapse.

Q2. What current action/habit keeps you from being your healthiest right now?

"Not having time."  I am post grad student trying to finish my dissertation so I spend a lot of time doing research and writing.  I also can't seem to get out of bed most days before noon.  Both these things are keeping me from being on a "normal" schedule.

Q3. What do you need to change that action? How can we help?

I need to find a way to reset my sleep schedule, get myself up earlier, always  have healthy options in place (or to be on some sort of plan be it Tony Ferguson, SlimFast or low carb as I seem to work better when I am on a restrictive plan- even if it is isn't 100% reasonable long term.  That was how I lost 85 lbs before, and it looks like I am the kind of person who needs to be all or nothing.  I guess I need assistance in figuring what plan would be best for me, and having someone to help me implement and stay on track.  Having comments and people rooting for me also would help.

Q4. What one feat/challenge (big or small) will you try/do/work towards this month?

I will try to drink 100oz of water per day.  That is a goal I can easily achieve.

How do you do it?

Every day I read a lot of blogs (mostly when I should be working on my dissertation) and one thing I've noticed overall is how almost all the writers are up early working out or up early working (even if they aren't working in the workplace.)

As a grad student I make my own hours, and I find it difficult to get up before noon.  Getting up today at around 10:30ish was killer and required a nap later on. Even when on vacation in London when we had to get up for free breakfast (which is a real motivator in my books) we managed it twice. And that was only making sure we were up by 9:20, a feat which should be relatively easy.

Even when I was working full time and had to get up at 6ish, it was difficult and it took a lot of coffee to get me going.  Don't even get me started on trying to workout before.  The few times I attempted it left me red faced, sweaty and icky, and that was before dealing with the kids at school!

So, how do you do it?  Is sleeping late the cause of my weight gain and inability to lose weight?  Is it the wacky hours I keep?  Is it eating dinner at 9pm or later?  Or is it my laziness? Is it caused by being so far away from home and knowing that if I go out, when I come back I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs which makes my ankle hurt and my lungs want to collapse?  Is it a side effect of all those years of meds which never worked to try to fix my headache which still hasn't gone away, or from wrecking my body with Optifast in 2006?

Am I just making excuses?
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I think I know I am frustrated.  I expected in the 2 weeks I worked out a lot to have lost at least a pound.  Right?  I was eating better, working out, I had more energy.  So of course I gained 3 pounds.

Being sick for the past 2 weeks hasn't really helped and I've managed a handful of workouts and the 5K b/c I haven't had the energy or been able to breathe from the coughing to workout.  (I've been to the doctor- they said it lasts 2-3 weeks, and there is nothing they can do, I just need rest and fluids, which I've been doing.)

I hope after my quickie trip to London this weekend I will be feeling more myself and back to working out and whatnot.  Because I certainly do not want to feel this way anymore.


How do you overcome setbacks?  


Are you a morning person?

Sunday's workout

Today was supposed to be a practice dry run for my upcoming 5K.   It was not very promising.  I had got 5 minutes in my walk to the park and my hip was killing.  I tried stretching and all sorts of movement to get it to feel right, and I could just not get it aligned.

View of University of Glasgow from within Kelvingrove Park

Once I got to the park and began the running portion, it was not good.  I managed 1.5/4 out of the running portions of week 3 day 1 of C25K.  Granted I have not run outside in about a year and all the running I have been doing over the past 2-3 weeks has been on the treadmill, but I know I will be walking most of Sunday's 5K.

It will be so much easier if I can lose weight (quickly) and keep it off to run, and to do anything.

Tomorrow's workout is a pilates class and either walking or biking.  I also need to start to figure out a way to get to the gym once this bus pass runs out.  The bus pass costs more than the gym membership!

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Total mileage today: 5.79 miles

All about me

After participating in last night's #fitblog on twitter (hosted beautifully by Skinny Emmie!) I got a ton of new followers.  Hopefully this will translate to new followers and commenters here!  So I figured I would post an about me.  If you know me, feel free to move along.

I don't know where to begin really.  I was born and raised in MA, USA.  Up until last September, I lived in Boston as a substitute teacher.  (I'm a licensed teacher in MA, in elementary education- but there are few jobs.) I am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland getting my second Masters in education.  I will be spending the summer working on my dissertation on school bullying.

I've applied to the PhD program here and am waiting on finding out if I've been accepted.  If so,  I will be researching bullying and its effects on upper primary grade children.  If I am not accepted, I will be having a nervous breakdown figuring out what I am going to do come September.

I've always been overweight.  In 1999 I started working out and eating better (and a lot less) and lost 85 pounds.  I didn't keep up the healthy lifestyle for a variety of reasons and over the past 10 years have gained all the weight back.

I tried several different diets, and in 2003 I went on Optifast.  I got really ill on this diet and didn't lose much weight at all (~10lbs), despite eating less than 900 calories a day and running 3 days a week.  Since then I have suffered from severe daily headaches that can leave me bedridden and miserable.  I have had countless tests and have seen 5 different neurologists.  The diagnoses range from chronic daily headache syndrome to chronic daily migraines.  Not one of the 5 doctors have had a definitive diagnosis or agreed with one another. It is frustrating, but I try to manage as best as I can.

Earlier last year I had been doing a lot better weight wise and right before I had breast reduction surgery in July.  After moving to Scotland and then losing my mum earlier this year, I've managed to gain a lot of weight despite trying various diet plans and recently going back to the gym.  I am assuming that this has to do with me eating my emotions and not dealing with how I am feeling over moving and losing my mum.  I mostly think I really like food and eating it- I just need to re-learn how to do it in moderation and not lose control.

Right now I am trying to get back into regular workouts as I love how it makes me feel (especially spinning), but I have a hard time staying motivated when I don't see any results.  (I know I shouldn't expect to see a lot of results in 2 weeks, but I had hoped to have found I hadn't *gained* even more weight.)

Questions?  Comments?  Fire away!

Rainy Monday

Today was a blech kind of day for many reasons.   The rain didn't help matters at all.  It just added to my general sad mood.

We did get grocery shopping out of the way and got plenty of grains and veggies, jammie dodgers and a fez. When we got back I had lunch and debated doing some work, which means I watched last night's L&O CI. (I'm so glad Goren and Eames are back!)

Finally I realized I needed to get to the gym if I was going to work out (which I really didn't want to, since it meant going out in the rain.)  I got my stuff together and got the bus.  Of course, I couldn't remember what stop I needed to get off at, and got off a mile too far away so I had to walk back the way I came in the rain (at least I had my wellies on).

As a result, nothing felt right.  I used the eSpinner and did 1/2 a downloaded spinning workout.  (I had to stop b/c of the time limits on these machines at key hours.)  I debated using the weights but the room was packed.  I had walked the mile + biked 10 miles on the eSpinner, so I called it a day and hit the hot tub.

Totals: appx 60 mins workout, 500 cals burned.  (I forgot to take a picture of my HRM.)

Tomorrow I am having my ankle looked at (again) and I am hoping that I won't have to stop working out now that I've started again.  Tomorrow's workout will probably be weights and Pilates class.

Right now I am just tired and cranky and I just sorted my journal articles by type for my dissertation.  Now if only I could get them all read, notes taken, and my chapter outline done for Thursday it would be very nice.

How Cindy got her gym groove back (or at least attempted to)

I will be honest.  The uni gym is not all that it's cracked up to be.  Which is why it's 40 pounds a year.  Granted, I can't complain about spending that money for pretty much 3 workouts.  Whatever.  No worries.  And I haven't gone regularly because 1.  I'm lazy and 2.  it sucks.  It has none of the classes I like and it has like 7 treadmills.  So.......

After walking around London I found I had more energy and felt better and actually lost like 6 pounds on vacation (eating mostly 99's and random food).  So I decided to give Glasgow Club a try.  They have locations all over the city, and some have hot tubs.  (Thank God.)

I headed to the Scotstoun location (a 2 mile walk from home, or a short bus ride).  I signed up and had my induction so I can use the equipment right away.  They have pilates and spinning and I am SO excited.  What was even cooler, is they have an eSpinner.  An eSpinner is a spin bike that you can plug your iPod into and use your own spin workouts/podcasts/or just your own music.  Or you can use a pre-embedded video workout.  I did a bit of both kinds to see what it was like.  I wish Bob Harper did the videos.  The guy doing it is kind of douchey.  But YMMV.

After I walked on the treadmill for a bit to calibrate my Nike+.  (It was already calibrated right!)

And then I soaked in the hot tub.  This is where I miss my old gym, Healthworks and their plushy, clean, plushy, high end, all women, beautiful, perfect club.  (If you live in the Boston area, check them out!!!)  With the giant jacuzzi and shower gel and shampoo in clean showers and the large vanities.... oh I could go ON!  No gym will ever compare to Healthworks, and that is ok.  Beacuse I found a place for a reasonable price for the time being where I can get my spinning and hot tub fix, and hopefully be skinnier in the process.

another week gone

and another 2lbs up.  :(  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.

The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me.  I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can't be bothered to put on a mask.  I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.

I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.

Living sucks.  I don't know how to do it anymore.  I don 't know how to cope.  I don't know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.

I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum.....  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

Bleurg

Bleurg.  This weight loss and exercise keeps getting derailed.  First, my shoulder (which still isn't back to normal), my ankle (which is starting to get better), and my never ending headaches.

My weight is up again- only a pound, but still.  I have now gained 30 pounds since my surgery in July.  NOT THE RIGHT WAY AROUND.

I'm trying a few things out to see if it helps.  I am starting to taper off on some of my meds to see if they are affecting my weight gain.  We got a stability ball and a mini trampoline that I can use at home.  I downloaded some Tae Bo and I am going to try to get to a spinning class this week.  I am walking more, as much as my ankle will let me- as it heals.

I would really like to be down to 200 by the end of the month- which is not likely to happen but I would like it before I go to London- to look and feel better about myself.

Emotional

(Again I ramble.  My apologies.  I'm writing from the heart here; all my logic has been lost on my 4000 word paper.)

I'm an emotional wreck today.  The painters are in (LMAO I love that euphemism) and that has a lot to do with it.  There is also this issue of a 4000 word paper due tomorrow that I feel is shite.

Alas, that is not the real reason I'm emotional.   At least not 100% of it.  I feel overwhelmed.  I feel confused.  I'm scared. I feel sad and lonely and I miss my family and my best friend and my other close friends.  And unfortunately my gf ends up bearing the brunt of my irrationality.  Which isn't right or fair.  So I am trying to do all my sad song listening, Vale Decem sobbing, and more sobbing while she isn't home.

Fear and shame have driven me inside myself since June of 2004 and I am not sure I can ever find the person I was 4 years before that- the person who I liked (and perhaps was liked in return) and was confident and happy (I thought, at least somewhat happy) and while I was still as emotional and needy and whiny and whatnot then, I was thin and I had a great life ahead of me.  So I thought.  I also wasn't scared to go out in public, well in bigger public than the grocery store or be in a social situation. (Not that there have been many of them in the past few years- and every time there is one, there doesn't seem to be enough Ativan to cope.)

I found out then, that for the few months I was "thin," that it didn't change my life.  I didn't have a million dollars.  I didn't have a boyfriend who looked like Tom Brady with the humanity(and voice) of David Tennant and the humour of Dustin Pedroia.  I had a nicer body that I worked hard for, but everything else stayed the same.  I still had to pay the bills and take out the trash.  I still made bad decisions.  Really, really horrible, bad decisions. (One that I can't forgive myself for.) I still cried. I still was scared to be alone.

And here I am 10 years later. I may have achieved a lot (of weight gain once again) and I may have earned my M.Ed, but I still haven't found my place.  Due to economics or me just being me, I haven't had a job longer than 2 school years.  And now with cuts across the globe, I'm ever more worried about prospects after I finish my second Master's degree and where I will end up.

Will 2011 be my year?  Will they find a reason and a fix for my headaches?  Will I be able to go out to a social event without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me and laughing at me? (and can I do it sans meds?) And will I have to do it alone?  I hope not.

Day 11

No weight today.  I had a bad night's sleep and I wasn 't thinking when I woke up as a blizzard was raging outside.

Headache is not good and my chest is sore.  Either I pulled something when I slipped on the ice, my surgery site is swelling, or I have PMT.  Or all 3.

GLASGOW PLOW YOUR FRIGGING STREETS AND GRIT YOUR SIDEWALKS!

/end rant

Now it isn't my place to tell a foreign city how to run themselves, but for the love of Rasillon, they need to do something soon before someone gets hurt.  Namely me. I shouldn't be risking my life for some bloody crumpets.

I was walking down Byres Rd, minding my own business, drinking my latte and trying not to fall on the icy, slushy sidewalk when out of the blue a car jumps the curb and nearly runs down the pedestrians, myself included.

I love how pretty the snow looks and all the festiveness and whatnot, but I would like to be able to enjoy it without breaking my neck.

It would be nice now that I want to workout to be able to get to the gym.  I need to see if I have big, old books or a milk crate to use as a stepper so I can step and watch tv.  I need to get moving b/c if this ice doesn't melt I'm never leaving the flat again.

Weight loss chart

I finally finshed my weight loss chart, one like the one Skinny Me made. The picture is crap since my roommate still has my camera. I will try to take a better picture soon. I wish I could colour in more numbers. I need to get on the ball and get focused. I just need to get out of this BLAH funk. That and not having a headache every five minutes or this cold, which has made me all run down.....

Any suggestions on how to get motivated?