Today's eats

I am not sure if I am feeling so lethargic due to still being sick or the low carb diet.  I didn't get nearly enough done, napped, and not much else.

I wasn't as hungry today- but right now I am SO sick of chicken.  Ugh.  I just want a huge salad.  I may not make it through the all protein phase and just go right to protein + veggies and limit carbs.  I need energy for my brain to get my dissertation done, so maybe this wasn't the BEST time to try to cut carbs cold turkey.

Tomorrow I have a neuro appt.  With my 6th neuro. :(

Breakfast:
2 scrambled eggs
oat bran pancake
coffee

lunch
can of tuna
1/2 chicken breast
cucumber stuff that Steph made and I didn't want it to go bad

dinner
2 chicken breasts
1/2 pancake Steph didn't eat earlier

dessert
activia yogurt + some fat free plain yogurt

And with that- bedtime!

Catch up Friday

I've been feeling so miserable the past few days I haven't done much of anything.  I feel a tiny bit better today and finally feel hungry, so hopefully whatever this is is finally leaving my system.  It also may explain why the practice 5K I did on Sunday was so miserable and I had no energy.  It did help me to lose 3 pounds!  


1.  I did manage to go to Pilates on Tuesday which kicked my ass.  That is the only formal workout I've had this week and may be the only one until Sunday.  It sucks, but when I'm sick and feeling achy and miserable the last thing I want to do is exercise.  


2.  #Fitblog chat.  Since I am in Glasgow, this means the chats are at 3am for me.  I sometimes am awake, but this week, being under the weather, I was asleep.  Here are my responses.

Q1) 75% give up on New Year's Resolutions within weeks. Let's discuss our goals for the second half of the year and how we plan to stick to them.


-keep going to the gym as much as I can while writing my dissertation 
-don't give into temptation for take out b/c it is easier and means I don't have to do the dishes
-eat more whole grains
I plan to do this, by just DOING it, and not saying I am going to do it.


Q2) What are your goals for the rest of the year?
-lose a minimum of 20 lbs
-go to the gym/workout a minimum of 3 times/ week
-finish dissertation without losing my mind


Q3) How do you set goals?
I set goals by looking at my current habits and finding ways that I can change them positively.


Q4) What resources do you use to help you stick to your goals
Other blogs, health and fitness magazines, tracking my weight and activity and looking for trends.


3.  Goals for this weekend?
-feel better, do as best as I can do on the 5K, and read for my dissertation


What are your weekend plans?

Clean eating assistance

I am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland.  I am looking for ideas and places to shop and things to eat that are healthy and more "clean."

1.  I am a student so it needs to be reasonable.
2.  I am allergic to nuts, soy, and peas.  I can't have soy/almond milk, etc.  This also limits bread products found in typical stores; they all have soy flour.
3.  I do not eat red meat or much pork (sometimes I have bacon).
4.  There are no Whole Foods type stores in Glasgow that I know of.

Any ideas/suggestions for finding stevia based products, whey protein powders, etc on a budget?

Mind games

A lot of the reasons for my lack of success (and self esteem) is because of all of the mind games I play with myself.  I still mentally see myself (sometimes) as the girl who lost 85 pounds, not the girl who lost 85 pounds and gained it all back.  While this should be good for my self confidence, all it takes is a look in the mirror, or an ill fitting top to change that mind set.  That and how I compare myself with others and just feel worthless and jealous, even when I do not mean to be.

I also have issues when it comes to food.  I *know* I should eat well.  It is a no-brainer.  But that doesn't stop me from eating poorly or making bad choices.  People say to say to yourself that you don't need that cookie/ice cream/sweet/etc, and to remind yourself it is a bad choice and there are healthier choices out there.  And even when I remember to say that to myself, or remind myself that eating xyz is not going to help me lose weight, I STILL DO IT ANYWAYS.  I still do it.  Now why is that?  Is that a lack of self esteem? Is it not caring?  Is it being self destructive?  Is it just that it tastes good, and why shouldn't I eat xyz?

I just don't know.  Maybe it is a combination of all those things.  Maybe I just feel worthless about my life and  eating is a solution to my problems, at least temporarily- even if it isn't.

I try to remember how awesome I feel after spinning or running and keep that with me and let that inspire me to make better choices.  And for some reason it doesn't.  I could sit here and psychoanalyze myself until I am blue in the face.  I think about how I lost weight before, and well my life situation was a lot different.  I had a full time job where I could have my egg white omelette made for me every morning and a healthy salad bar to choose from every afternoon.  My diet was restrictive and boring and repetitive, but it worked.  I do wish I could go back to that way of eating and that mentality, but I worry that I will just end up doing the same thing I did before, which is to just go crazy after I lost the weight.

I try moderation now, but that doesn't seem to work for me.  I am so all or nothing it seems.

What I do know, is that I need to be more mindful, be more aware, and think now.  Otherwise.....I just don't know.

Not myself

I'm not feeling like myself today.  I haven't really felt like myself since we came back from London.  Even though my feet hurt, I had a lot of energy and felt good.  Recently, I just feel tired and sluggish and blah and whatnot.  I think it may have to do with the fact I'm out of my vitamin D supplement.

I think I am going to have to find a new and better GP if I am planning on staying here longer.  The last time I went and had my ankle looked at, about 30 seconds was spent on examination.  It just made me feel dismissed, like my issue wasn't real.

Anyways, I just feel blah.  Not depressed (well not anymore than usual), not anxious, just blah.  Maybe it is the weather, since it has been raining for what seems like forever now.  It rains, we get a bit of sun, it rains.  Repeat.

So I have no idea.  I'm excited to work out, but can't get the motivation to do it.  I have things I need to do and people to call etc, and can't "find the time."  I just wish I was at the point where everything came easy; healthy living and eating and working out and working on my dissertation.  Someday, some day soon I hope.

Today I had some me time and got my nails done and then I met Steph for lunch.  We walked around a bit after and then we came back and I ran a load of laundry and took a nap.  I meant to only sleep for a bit but it ended up being way longer than I wanted and missed spinning.  :(  Bad Cindy.

I also took a few photos of some of the damage that occurred in our neighborhood from the ridic winds here yesterday.  Not that it even makes any comparison to what has happened in the US, but it was crazy what some wind can do.

Tomorrow is a new day- hopefully with better choices.

another week gone

and another 2lbs up.  :(  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can't get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I'm bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don't want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.

The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can't even want to be with me.  I don't even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It's why I don't bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can't be bothered to put on a mask.  I'm too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.

I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.

Living sucks.  I don't know how to do it anymore.  I don 't know how to cope.  I don't know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I've ended up but I don't have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.

I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don't even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum.....  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

Bad choices

Today did not go as planned. I forgot my breakfast so I ate a muffin.

I brought my gym clothes with me but by the time class was over my shoulder was killing, I was tired and hungry.

I then ate crappy snacks making my calorie total double what it should be.

Why do I keep sabotaging myself? I want to be thin and healthy, yet I keep eating poorly and avoiding the gym. Why do I choose bad foods? What makes me make those choices?

Tomorrow I have class from 9am to 7 pm. Not much time for fun especially when I have 1000 words left to write on a paper due on the 10th.

But for now, sleep.