I have a secret

Not only do I have a fabulous change to share very soon, but I also have a secret.   I really want to tell, but I'm afraid it may be too good to be true, so I am going to hang on to it just a little bit more.

I met with my advisor today.  He is pleased with my dissertation so far.   *phew*   I need to add a lot to my intro, and my chapters on policy, and add a total new one (that I will now have to research!) but it's all good.  He said I do not need 2 weeks to print and bind, so I have the rest of this month to get it done.  *double phew*  He even said to take the weekend off!  HAHAHAHAHA as if!  I did take the rest of today off to do household chores like cleaning, vaccumming, dishes, laundry, etc, and to take a glorious nap.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I was worried about oversleeping the alarm!


As I was cleaning and putting things away I managed to break my dresser.  

Who manages this?

WTF?

So now I have a pile of clothes on the floor, and no glue or tools to fix it.  *sigh*









I'm going to go read something unrelated to my research and relax.


What do you think my secret is?

Name change and an update

My blogs have had various incarnations over the years.  I started blogging at neophytegirl.net a long time ago, when I had my own domain.  This was many years ago.  I know I had a backup of it sometime ago, but I can't find it.....at least at the moment.  I've had my LJ and now recently I had toocurvyagain at wordpress and abostongirlinglasgow which I merged into one. 

But I think it is time for a change.  I'm still a Boston girl.  I'm still in Glasgow.  But that isn't who I am and it isn't what defines me.  I was going to have a vote or a suggestion entry about what I should change the name of my blog to.  And then I realized, having someone else name it, won't work.

Hence- Cindy's struggles.  That is my name, and well my life has been a series of struggles. 

So that is that.

The London trip was fun and packed and yes, I met David Tennant and Catherine Tate.  The play was brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant- I want to go back and see it again and again (and if I can get down there to see it again, I will- after my dissertation is done, of course!)  I hope to get to write up about the play ASAP.

As far as the healthiness journey goes, I'm working on eliminating gluten to see if it helps with the headaches.  I hope to get back to the gym this week as well.  If it doesn't happen, I am not going to stress too much over it as I believe I have about 2 weeks to finish my dissertation, and that has to come first.  I will have plenty of time afterwards.

How do you deal with stress, deadlines, and workouts?

The price of being female

Today I did something I never thought I would.  I got my legs waxed.

Now I've attempted home waxing before, and it was a pretty failed attempt.  Time has passed and while it should, I repeat should be summer here (RAIN RAIN GO AWAY) shaving my legs is something that must be kept up in the summer, at least for me.  However, my shower is wee, and trying to shave in it is like being a contortionist.  So I decided I would go and have my legs waxed.  I mean, how bad could it be.  Women have parts more delicate waxed every day.  (Which is now something I will never EVER contemplate)

OH. MY. FREAKING A.  OW.

NEVER AGAIN.

If my mum were still alive she would be laughing at me so hard right now.  In fact I am sure she is.

It hurt.  My legs still sting.  Not to mention that she missed a few spots I had to clean up on my own.  Not to mention I already feel like I am stubbly.  Hrm.  Do I need to exfoliate again?

So that added to a day where I went all the way to Southern General to find that my neuro appt is tomorrow and I got rained on and I still don't feel 100%.  F-.

Tomorrow- on the docket: The neuro appt and a hope to get a haircut as well.  My bangs are out of control!

New diet plan

While I was waiting to see the doctor the other day, I was thumbing through some magazine and there was a feature on the Dukan diet.  When I got home with my weeks worth of antibiotics I did some research on it, did up my profile, and decided that I would try this out.

What it entails:
A 4 phase plan where you start off with protein foods, then merge into the  next stage where you alternate protein days with protein and veggie days, and then into the last 2 phases where you begin to slowly add in "regular" foods and learn to eat in moderation.  (The website and book make this more clear than I am right now I am sure.)

The website gave me an idea of how long I would be on each phase and a target weight as well. (the target weight is higher than my ideal goal- but given my difficulty in even losing a pound, having something that may seem more attainable is good for me right now.)  I'm eating eggs, chicken, fish, yoghurt, low fat dairy, and oat bran.  I haven't felt really deprived, but I have been hungry.

Now, for some of you this may seem like a fad diet or not healthy or dangerous, or not Earth friendly with the addition of protein sources.  I know that this may not be a perfect solution.  I know that I may not even agree 100% philosophically with the increased protein and no veggies/carbs in the attack phase.  However, having PCOS, and knowing I need to be on a lower carb diet b/c of this (as I have been told)  it is a realistic plan that has set things that I can and cannot eat, and that is what I need right now.   I also know it is not forever.  If I get to the end of my attack phase (7 days) and I have not seen results, I will stop. Steph has even agreed to do this with me (and has already lost over 6 lbs!).  Unfortunately, I have not seen the results she has.

Day 1: -3 lbs (YAY)
Day 2 +2 (BOO)
Day 3: +0.4 (BOO)


I could make excuses for this, but I don't really have any.  I've been following the plan. Granted I am still sick and on antibiotics, not to mention that the painters are in right now (just what I needed!), and who knows what either/both of those things have done to my body right now.  I will just have to wait and see.  The site said I should lose 6 lbs in the induction phase.  I hope I do.  I need a boost to my waistline and my self-esteem so that I can keep going and fighting.

What I ask for right now is support, not flaming or criticism for making this choice.  Thank you.

PS:  I also put in for a dietician referral.  Given how long it took for the neuro/pt one, I expect to get it by my birthday.

A weekend of highs and lows (sorry it's long!)

This weekend was really awesome in some ways, and absolutely horrendous in others. I hope I can do justice in documenting it.


Thursday night: 
Steph and I took the overnight bus from Glasgow to London.  Let me warn you, folks.  Not a good idea.  While very cheap, it SUCKS.  We had hoped to spread out (like everyone else) but ended up having to sit together, which while fine, it just meant neither of us had much room.   It also meant I didn't sleep.  At all.  The bus itself was noisy, it was too light (for me), and the seats were uncomfortable.  The only good thing was the wi-fi.  Finally at 4ish I gave up trying to rest and listened to the Red Sox rout the Yankees, which gave me enough adrenaline to function once we arrived in London.


Friday: 
Once we arrived we set up camp in a Starbucks for a while (waiting for the commuter rush to be over) and had coffee and breakfast.  The pancakes were pretty good, IMO.  We hung out there for a while and then got on the Tube and headed to Leicester Square.  We walked around a bit, and then got more coffee at Costa and figured out the rest of the day.

We then got the tube and a train to Crystal Palace, where our hotel was.  Now, google maps really fucked up on this one and had us walk this RIDICULOUS way to the hotel up 2 massive hills where I was actually convinced I was going to have a heart attack and die.  My ankle was killing, I was starving, and I was walking up this hill that was insane.  And did I mention it was raining and I am carrying a heavy backpack?

We finally got to the hotel (early) and sat waiting for the room to be ready.  Finally, it was- all I wanted to do was sleep.  I didn't care that the restaurant that was advertised to be a part of the hotel didn't exist.  I just wanted to sleep.  I did just that. 

2 hours and change later, Steph woke me up.  Now, at this point, I really wish I had just told her to go on without me.  I was that tired.  (and in hindsight I wish I had).  I finally dragged myself into the shower and got ready.  We found an easier way to walk back to the train station and on the way stopped at a restaurant called the Grape and the Grain.  I had a falafel sandwich, and it was really, really good.  I was starving at that point and was planning on stopping at the first place we saw, I just needed to eat as it was a long time since those pancakes. 

We ate and then headed to the train station and took the train back into the city to go back into Leicester square.  It was our plan to wait for David Tennant and Catherine Tate after the evening performance of Much Ado.... (this was the backup plan in case when we see them later in the month that we had a chance for autographs).  When we got there the barriers were up, but no one was out waiting yet, so we figured we had some time to kill.  We wandered around and went to Amorino for gelato (the best gelato in the world IMO)


It was raining, so after the gelato, we found refuge in little shops, trying to stay dry.  It was at this point I began to get very panicked and nervous.  I have issues with social anxiety, which I think was the main contribution to being so panicked, and being exhausted- also a trigger.  When we arrived back at the barrier, Steph was so excited, I knew I couldn't ruin this for her, so I said I would just wait for her away from the theatre....

I paced around for a bit, and then decided so I went to get a coffee across from the theatre.  I ordered from the take away menu, but they had me sit down and they'd bring me my coffee.  They did and asked me to pay.  Now the menu said £1.80 and they now told me it was £2.70.  I explained I had asked for take away as I didn't have the £2.70 ( I had £2.66) and they didn't take cards either.  So the waitress went away to ask about it and came back and told me that they would have to take the coffee away and told me I needed to leave immediately.  (So they would rather lose 4 pence than put the coffee in a take away cup and give it to me?)  Humiliated, I walked away.  What I didn't know, was that this wouldn't be the most humiliating part of my evening yet.

I walked around back to the front of the theatre, but across the street to wait.  A group of quite possibly very drunk people came up to me and shoved me into the grate behind me, and walked away laughing.  Not much later, some random guy walked past me, said "fat bitch," and spit on me.  (Luckily I had a napkin in my pocket.)  I was humiliated and embarrassed, and I felt terrible- like I was back in high school being bulled and barked at on a daily basis.  And then of course (since I am doing my dissertation on bullying) began thinking of others who have had it so much worse and I realized I was getting a bit desensitized to this kind of behaviour, b/c when I tweeted about it so many people were in an outrage - (while I was blaming myself for how I looked, how I am, how I can't seem to get myself under control and lose weight and how painful doing some things is there by perpetuating the entire thing in a vicious cycle.)

Steph came back from getting Catherine Tate and David Tennant's autographs a little after, and I was very happy she was happy and glad she was done, b/c I just wanted to go back to the hotel- which we did after a bit of difficulty in trying to get a cab back to the hotel ( I was too tired and sore to walk the mile in the rain and dark.)

Saturday:
Saturday we had a big day planned.  We needed to check out of the hotel, go to Barking (on the other side of London) to Big Finish day to meet Colin Baker and Sophie Aldred, and then go back to the other side of London to Clapham Common to see INXS.  (When I made the original plans I was just going to the concert alone, and then when I won 2 tickets Steph decided to come with me and then we found out about Big Finish day, hence the back and forth.)

We headed out, got money and breakfast and took the overground, to the DLR, to the train to Barking.  We weren't 100% sure about the directions google maps gave us, so we took a cab to the location (good thing as the maps had it wrong).  We wandered around looking at merchandise and pictures and whatnot waiting for the celebs to come back from lunch. 

Finally we got a chance to talk to Colin Baker.  He was funny and gracious.  I told him we found his tweets funny, and he asked what my username was- I told him what it was and that I was the one who kept asking for the Bayban avatar.  He laughed and said he was trying to find a picture and would change it soon for me.  :)  He signed for us and then we went on our way to meet Sophie Aldred who took a picture with the Plushies for us!

She also signed for us and then we decided we had enough of the con and headed off to make our way to Clapham Commons.  We had time to kill, so we stopped at Starbucks to have a coffee before heading over.

We finally went over to the commons, and found a place to sit and relax.  It was nice out at that point, and there were plenty of people to watch and it was nice to just relax. 

Finally, INXS came on and I was so excited.  I jumped around and danced and sang along.  ( I am going to make a separate blog entry just for the show)

As soon as the show was over, we had to book it to the tube to get to Victoria station in time for the bus.  We made it just in time (had the tube not kept STOPPING for no reason, we would have had plenty of time.)  The bus driver was very rude to me and told me that usually they leave 5 minutes early (if you leave at 10 you should leave at 10) and that we should have gotten there earlier.  I explained that we got lost trying to find the bus area as it isn't attached to Victoria.  He didn't care and told us we couldn't bring dinner on as it was hot food.  (what is the friggin' difference between a hot and cold sandwich).  I didn't care, I shoved it in my bag and ate it anyway.  I was starving!

We couldn't even sit together on the bus b/c people were all spread out and wouldn't share or move so we could sit together.  It was extremely rude and I was really pissed off.  And the guy I ended up sitting next to kept spreading over into my seat- at one point I was sitting on the handle and had no where to move- I was going to sit on the floor in the aisle at that point!  I didn't sleep at all again, and I was SO glad when we got back to Glasgow. 

We got home at about 7ish, I changed and passed out until about 4 in the afternoon, got up and ate dinner, and went back to bed.  I am still tired now, but not as much. 

And how was  your weekend?

Mind games

A lot of the reasons for my lack of success (and self esteem) is because of all of the mind games I play with myself.  I still mentally see myself (sometimes) as the girl who lost 85 pounds, not the girl who lost 85 pounds and gained it all back.  While this should be good for my self confidence, all it takes is a look in the mirror, or an ill fitting top to change that mind set.  That and how I compare myself with others and just feel worthless and jealous, even when I do not mean to be.

I also have issues when it comes to food.  I *know* I should eat well.  It is a no-brainer.  But that doesn't stop me from eating poorly or making bad choices.  People say to say to yourself that you don't need that cookie/ice cream/sweet/etc, and to remind yourself it is a bad choice and there are healthier choices out there.  And even when I remember to say that to myself, or remind myself that eating xyz is not going to help me lose weight, I STILL DO IT ANYWAYS.  I still do it.  Now why is that?  Is that a lack of self esteem? Is it not caring?  Is it being self destructive?  Is it just that it tastes good, and why shouldn't I eat xyz?

I just don't know.  Maybe it is a combination of all those things.  Maybe I just feel worthless about my life and  eating is a solution to my problems, at least temporarily- even if it isn't.

I try to remember how awesome I feel after spinning or running and keep that with me and let that inspire me to make better choices.  And for some reason it doesn't.  I could sit here and psychoanalyze myself until I am blue in the face.  I think about how I lost weight before, and well my life situation was a lot different.  I had a full time job where I could have my egg white omelette made for me every morning and a healthy salad bar to choose from every afternoon.  My diet was restrictive and boring and repetitive, but it worked.  I do wish I could go back to that way of eating and that mentality, but I worry that I will just end up doing the same thing I did before, which is to just go crazy after I lost the weight.

I try moderation now, but that doesn't seem to work for me.  I am so all or nothing it seems.

What I do know, is that I need to be more mindful, be more aware, and think now.  Otherwise.....I just don't know.

Fitblog questions in detail

I really enjoyed this week's fitblog questions to the point I wanted to expand on them considering it is hard to detail everything you want to say in one tweet.  

Q1. When you were younger, what did “fitness” mean to you? What does it mean now?


Well, when I was a kid I liked gym enough unless it was a picking teams kind of thing b/c I was always picked last even though I was good at kickball and softball.  In fact I had the best softball throw in the 6th grade and was supposed to go to the city wide tourney, but other kids said since I had no friends and was fat, that I should let the second place winner go instead since she would have people to be with and cheer for her.  So I let her go.  


I wasn't allowed to play sports as a kid b/c my parents were afraid I would get injured and we couldn't afford it.  The most I ever did was a few sessions of gymnastics and swimming.  Had I participated in sports, perhaps I wouldn't have been so overweight and had been healthier growing up.   I wasn't even allowed a bike until I was in the 4th grade and I had to have training wheels.  It was EMBARRASSING.  Not only was I fat, but I was a freak.


Once I got to middle and high school I did everything to avoid gym class b/c it meant changing and being overweight it was uncomfortable.  I hated the sports we played since I didn't know how to play since I didn't play team sports.


Now.....well I still don't like working out 100%.  I think if I were 100 lbs lighter it would be SO much easier to spin and do pilates and run and I would like it more.  I try to enjoy it as best as I can, but I feel very self conscious most of the time and try to stay out of the limelight and in the back and not stand out or talk or ask questions.


Q2. Was there anyone in the past who influenced your healthy lifestyle? Family, friends, celebrities, etc. Any influencers now?


Not as a kid considering, I hated to watch sports and I didn't participate in it so.....


Now, I am a HUGE Boston Red Sox fan so I enjoy watching them play.  It also influenced me a few years back when I played softball as an adult for the first time which was a dream come true.


I don't really have any celebs who influence me- I mean I would like to have a celebrity body LOL!  I get more inspiration from reading blogs by people who have lost weight and gained confidence; regular people like me who are doing it and working at it as hard as they can.


Q3. Are there any exercise trends that you wish would return? What have you secretly wanted to try?


I would like to return my Optifast experience, even though it wasn't an exercise trend.  A few years back, I got so frustrated trying to lose weight, I went on Optifast.  Optifast is a doctor monitored low calorie liquid diet where you consume 890 calories per day.  (I was also running 3 miles 3-4 times a week at the same time as I was training for a 5k)  I had few options on it besides the shake and one kind of bar due to my food allergies, but I stuck with it for 3 months despite the fact that it was RIDIC expensive and I was getting very ill, dizzy and having heart palpitations-nearly passing out several times. (I googled about Optifast and read how people had lost family members on this diet....and freaked.)  In fact I had my b/p taken during one of these spells and it was 60/40.  That was the last day I followed the diet.  I went home from work and ate a small pizza and felt much better.    I only lost about 10 pounds in total on this diet, which sucked considering at the group meetings we would have after weighing in, people were losing that in one week, and I was hardly losing weight at all and it was frustrating and a very bad experience and I would not recommend it to anyone at all, ever.


Right now I wish I could play softball again!  As far as what is popular right now, I suppose I wish I was coordinated enough to take a Zumba class, but I am lucky I can walk without falling over in sneakers, and most of the time don't know my left from my right so..... me in a Zumba class would be dangerous!


Q4. Fast forward 5 years into the future. What will you have accomplished fitness or blogging wise by then?


I would like to have a successful blog by then, where I actually have readers and commenter's. Right now that is really bringing me down.


I would like to have done several more 5K's and at least one 10K.


I hope to have written a book/journal article on bullying (this is what my second post grad degree, and my potential PhD is on).   

All about me

After participating in last night's #fitblog on twitter (hosted beautifully by Skinny Emmie!) I got a ton of new followers.  Hopefully this will translate to new followers and commenters here!  So I figured I would post an about me.  If you know me, feel free to move along.

I don't know where to begin really.  I was born and raised in MA, USA.  Up until last September, I lived in Boston as a substitute teacher.  (I'm a licensed teacher in MA, in elementary education- but there are few jobs.) I am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland getting my second Masters in education.  I will be spending the summer working on my dissertation on school bullying.

I've applied to the PhD program here and am waiting on finding out if I've been accepted.  If so,  I will be researching bullying and its effects on upper primary grade children.  If I am not accepted, I will be having a nervous breakdown figuring out what I am going to do come September.

I've always been overweight.  In 1999 I started working out and eating better (and a lot less) and lost 85 pounds.  I didn't keep up the healthy lifestyle for a variety of reasons and over the past 10 years have gained all the weight back.

I tried several different diets, and in 2003 I went on Optifast.  I got really ill on this diet and didn't lose much weight at all (~10lbs), despite eating less than 900 calories a day and running 3 days a week.  Since then I have suffered from severe daily headaches that can leave me bedridden and miserable.  I have had countless tests and have seen 5 different neurologists.  The diagnoses range from chronic daily headache syndrome to chronic daily migraines.  Not one of the 5 doctors have had a definitive diagnosis or agreed with one another. It is frustrating, but I try to manage as best as I can.

Earlier last year I had been doing a lot better weight wise and right before I had breast reduction surgery in July.  After moving to Scotland and then losing my mum earlier this year, I've managed to gain a lot of weight despite trying various diet plans and recently going back to the gym.  I am assuming that this has to do with me eating my emotions and not dealing with how I am feeling over moving and losing my mum.  I mostly think I really like food and eating it- I just need to re-learn how to do it in moderation and not lose control.

Right now I am trying to get back into regular workouts as I love how it makes me feel (especially spinning), but I have a hard time staying motivated when I don't see any results.  (I know I shouldn't expect to see a lot of results in 2 weeks, but I had hoped to have found I hadn't *gained* even more weight.)

Questions?  Comments?  Fire away!

A grown up approach

I read a lot of blogs. Today's post by Bitch Cakes, really hit home, like a lot of blog entries sometimes do not. She talked about encountering and facing her childhood bully.

Now like many people out there who were "different," I was bullied, teased and made fun of. As a kid and teen, I was overweight, didn't have the right clothes, didn't know how to talk to others, and was pretty much a social recluse, to anyone other than my closest friends. I was an easy target, and I fell for it every time. I was miserable.

One day in 8th grade a group of girls who I considered friends left me a note at the lunch table we sat at telling me to go away, (in various languages) and said they had no more use for me. I was devastated. I fell into a deep depression. I didn't want to go to school, and was all but truant. When I went to school, I hid in the bathroom at lunchtime b/c I was scared, lonely, and ashamed. I even tried to commit suicide I was so upset and alone.

In the end I was caught hiding in the bathroom, things changed, I made new friends, and I grew to care less about what people thought of me, or at least pretended to on the outside.

But Bitch Cake's post made me think about my response to all of this and how I've plotted revenge over the years on the ringleader of the entire incident, of how I've wanted to even the score of those who hurt my feelings and made me a laughingstock later on in high school.

But now, a little part of me makes me wonder if that is worth it? I am sure I am have more education than all of them now (being on my second Masters and all and thinking of pursing my PhD.) While I may not have a husband and kids and a white picket fence, I do have something now, that they can't take away. And that is something to think about.